Celebrity Clothing Lines Are Terrible: A Study
Like Macklemore says, this is fucking awesome.
Confession: We bent the rules a little and threw together an outfit that's not by any single musician. The jacket and shirt are by Sean John, the tie is by Jerry Garcia and the pants are...actually, they're just some random pants we grabbed. But, hey, doesn't Wicentowski look snazzy?
"Somehow the shitnado of combining a Sean Jean dress shirt, blazer, Jerry Garcia tie and some random pants resulted in me looking dashing as fuck. I have no explanation for this." Wicentowski says. "I am breathlessly awaiting a Vatican emissary who will surely confirm the miraculous nature of this ensemble."
Celebrity: Singer Madonna
Clothing Line: Material Girl
Brand promise: "The Material Girl is spontaneous and fearless. She loves to shop and she mixes her fast fashion with designer pieces. She invents her own fashion trends and is never afraid to make a bold creative statement. Influenced by her eclectic taste in music, dance and Hollywood."
Though Madonna has pretended to be a classy British broad for a decade, people still view her as the boundary-pushing singer-fashionista she was in the '80s. Back in the day, she wore eyeliner that would make Avril Lavigne jealous, sported lace everything and desacralized wedding dresses. Madge definitely wore some awesomely risque (read: tawdry) outfits that some of us still use for inspiration today. Ahem. Anyway, that's the kind of stuff her collection at Macy's promises.
And, boy, does Material Girl deliver on that promise! We've hit the jackpot of horrifically ugly and cheaply made treasures! But first, a not-so-bad item:
The studs on the dress show how punk rock we are.
All in all, this isn't horrendous stuff. Make no mistake: The dress isn't quality. It's made from some kind of itchy poly-blend and has a really cheap zipper and stupid metal studs that likely will rust after a few washes, but looks-wise, it's not awful. Those leggings, on the other hand... eeeek. They look somewhat OK in the photo, but up in person, they're hideous.
And now for the good stuff:
Double your displeasure, double your fun.
Let us lay it out for you: The Material Girl line is all about fake leather, itchy fabrics, shoddy workmanship, garish prints, ill-fitting boob cups and strange cutouts. The spaghetti straps give these dresses a tiny bit of sweetness, but overall, they're terrible.
For the dress on the left, we got tangled up in the crisscrossing straps that require a Mensa membership to figure out, and though the photo doesn't show it well, our leopard-print boobs don't gel with the bargain-basement denim. And yes, that's a gold purse we're holding -- BY ITS BRASS KNUCKLES HANDLE. As for the dress on the right, our torso was sweating buckets during the three minutes we had the outfit on. That fake leather feels clammy, and no matter how much we adjusted the straps, we couldn't get the boob cups to rest anywhere flattering. Don't even ask us what in the hell the skirt was made of.
But this is the big winner:
This definitely is not the sassy pink evening gown from the "Material Girl" video.
Folks, you're looking at a godawful jumpsuit, with black polyester pants attached to a shirt-thing made from sheer leopard-print scratchy stuff. It has a halter neck, and if you look closer at the chest area (savor the moment), you'll see that the sheer material is broken up by black diagonal patches. On top of that, we're sporting an olive-green jacket that's riddled with gold metal studs.
We have no words, really. This monstrosity is the reason celebrity fashion lines often come off like jokes. And we're not about to pay $78 for a rimshot.
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