Six Reasons I Won't Dance At Your Wedding
4. There's Not Enough Disco
Movies taking place in the '70s and '80s such as Detroit Rock City and Freaks and Geeks have all taught me one thing -- disco sucks. But riddle me this, Batman: If disco sucks so much, why is the only good KISS song a disco song? I don't even care if it's Gloria Gaynor's "I Will Survive" -- just give me some goddamn music with laser sounds in it and maybe I'll get out of my seat.
3. I Am Too Angry
The guy next to me is a 32-year-old doctor, talking about ending welfare and capping his opinion off with, "If people need to eat, they'll find something." If I enter the dance floor at this moment, it will become a one-man Slayer mosh pit mixed with the battle of Gettysburg. Brother would lay dying next to brother, the song ending with a pile of wounded parents with dislocated hips, broken reading glasses littering the dance floor. Tables would be flipped over and children would forever weep upon hearing the opening keyboards of "The Macarena." The reason I am not dancing at your wedding is because I value human life too much.