Six Reasons I Won't Dance At Your Wedding
2. Seriously, I Ate Too Much
I ate all of the appetizers. Then I ate the entire main course. And part of your food when you went to the bathroom. Then I ate four desserts. You need to understand, I am a caveman, so I forget that I have money and can buy food whenever I want or need it. I still gorge myself with the idea that I will never eat again. Please don't make me flop my gigantic body around in this suit that I bought when I was fifteen pounds lighter. I don't want to get in a fight after I cover some spiky-hair sideburns bro in a mixture of bile, cake and bloody marys.
1. I Am Psychologically Unraveling in Public
All of these people are religious, and they think I am weird. That guy said all of my stories involve people on drugs. Is he right? I am 30 years old and a freshman in college. I am insane and purposeless and people like me were not meant to dance or have fun. I will be alone forever. The Earth's temperature will rise by two degrees in 50 years, and the planet will be capable of only supporting a fraction of the life currently on it. If we were able to view our lives from a greater dimensional plane, they would probably have the same kind of obvious order as snowflakes or crystals, or the fractal art generator on my parents' old computer. I cannot dance because all things have been predetermined from the beginning of the creation of all existence, so really, the choice to dance or not is not really a choice at all. I am simply not dancing right now.
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