Why This Song Sucks: Lorde's "Royals"

Categories: WTF

lorde3.jpg
Song: "Royals" by Lorde

History: Some time between year 1250 and 1300 Eastern Polynesians settled on (what we now know as) New Zealand. In 2007 Flight of the Conchords had a show on HBO. Then the one guy from Flight of the Conchords (not the curiously handsome one, the one with the weird mouth) was the bad guy in Men In Black III. And then now Lorde has a song that a lot of people like. That's the entire history of New Zealand in about 70 words.

Atmospherics: Pretty much perfect.

Analysis: While this song is of course adorable, and while Lorde is of course is massively talented, there are just too many inaccuracies and oddities to ignore. Example:

I've never seen diamonds in the flesh

You've never seen the Twilight movies? If I remember correctly, young master Edward had a ton of diamonds in his flesh.*

*Like I'm not 100 percent that Edward had sparkle skin. I may appear to be a grown man, but am actually a 13-year-old girl typing this all out right now while lying on my belly on my bed. My legs are kicked up at the knees and intertwined. I'm wearing a nightgown. And Drake's "Hold On, We're Going Home" is playing on repeat in the background. I wish those were lies. Sadly, they are not.

This line is particularly odd:

But everybody's like crystal, Maybach, diamonds on your time piece

The Roc is in the building!

And this:

Jet planes, islands, tigers on a gold leash

That actually sounds kind of amazing. Like, TIGERS? Plural? Bro, I just want for one day to be like, "Nah, no. You know what? Fuck this single tiger bullshit. What am I, a peasant? I need multiple tigers on this gold leash. SEVERAL tigers."

The most problematic part though, the part that just cannot be overlooked, is the clear erroneousness of the premise:



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94 comments
ibanezrg50
ibanezrg50

What in the HELL was the point of this piece? So... because Lorde is not buddy buddy with you guys, you blast her home country and chastise the artist's LABEL when gaining $90 Million off of one song? Either you have NO clue how the music industry works or you lack basic intelligence which has resulted in your status of not being gainfully employed (quite obvious by your inability to put gas in your late model car). If this is anything at all, it's a poor attempt at a joke. If you are going to write an article about an artist, perhaps research their financial status before they moved into mainstream. This girl was broke off her ass before anything took off. Now she probably has less than a fourth of what was profited from this song's success. Christ you guys suck. I know some of you and I hope to god someone pans your shit music here soon but within your own toilet paper rag of a newspaper.

Tommy Mac
Tommy Mac

He was right about one thing, he's a hack.

Martin Gilbertson
Martin Gilbertson

What has happened to you, RFT? Good thing your mag is free....because you suck! And this article was a waste of my time...

Greg Stinson
Greg Stinson

on second thought, genius move RFT. but now i hate your tricky skills.

Jen Nahlik
Jen Nahlik

Not even Beyonce can make $90M on one hit single. And without touring and selling merch, you will probably only make negative dollars. I remember back when one needed a college degree and journalism experience to write for the RFT. I guess those days are long gone.

Matt Blind
Matt Blind

Why this "paper" sucks: Riverfront Times

Jonezy
Jonezy

I've met some cool people that work at the RFT, but for the most part, everything I read lately is AWFUL.  For someone to get that big off a song saying those types of things, says a lot about the growth of our culture.  Maybe people are realizing pop culture iconicism and status symbols are stupid......finally.  You listen to St. Louis radio and all you hear is cookie cutter crap of all genres, so if this type of music somehow becomes the new cookie cutter, I'm completely fine with that.

steven.fuller
steven.fuller

A horribly written piece, of what I hope is an attempt at satire, that in no way analyzes a piece of music a very talented artist created which speaks poignantly on the state of modern pop music

Annie Macheca
Annie Macheca

i don't even 'like' the riverfront times, but of course this came up on my feed as an advertised post. this is just rude. this young woman is very talented.

Kara Kirchherr
Kara Kirchherr

This article is meant to be a SATIRE. One easy listen to the lyrics of this song makes it pretty clear what it's about. Now whether the article is well written, successful, funny, or coherent satire is another question entirely...

LE Eponine Tetley
LE Eponine Tetley

You're article is poorly written. The song is a good song, catchy.. fun to sing along to - I like it. Right now I'm trying to decide which singer makes me change the station faster; Katy Perry or Kesha. This song has not advanced to the immediate omg NO switch

Brian Blood
Brian Blood

I think it is a good song. Very original.

Dean Preacher Lonnie Dunham
Dean Preacher Lonnie Dunham

I've never had much respect for the RFT but it is very obvious that they have taken a serious nose dive on the content that they are willing to put in their paper.

Kevin Schroeder
Kevin Schroeder

I couldn't agree more with her sentiments in this song. People crying racism over this song are the reason real racists like Rush Limbaugh can say that people cry racism when there is none. He will cite these types of articles a thousand times now.

Yvonne Irvin Kramer
Yvonne Irvin Kramer

The writer is a jealous dumb-ass. Lorde's Royals is AWESOME!! Best song I've heard in years!

Michael Zen Brooks
Michael Zen Brooks

I like it. It calls to me on a strange level. As to the article tl;dr

Jeff Willett
Jeff Willett

It's supposed to be humorous, calm down people.

Dana Workes
Dana Workes

I miss the old days of RFT articles. They used to be better. No purpose or substance here.

Joshua Fournier
Joshua Fournier

This song single-handedly made me stop listening to the Point. Horrible song. Am I on an island here?

Christine Wamble
Christine Wamble

I really like this song and feel this article could have visited an editor or two before publishing.

Sheldon Menezes
Sheldon Menezes

I cant believe you guys get paid to write shit like this?

Kevin Gales
Kevin Gales

song rules! Lorde rules! RFT is all ad's anyways...yeah, i'm a 13 year old girl.

Joe Ryan
Joe Ryan

My kids and I love it. She's talented

Chet Logue
Chet Logue

Did a 13 yr old actually write this? Poorly written, highly opinionated article. You're better than this, RFT

Christina Toth
Christina Toth

Can't say I love the song but this article was kinda lame.

Russ Squeaky
Russ Squeaky

I rather like that song. Good show Jazmin!

evillerocker
evillerocker

It's the kind of catchy sound that I wouldn't admit I like in public (whoops)....kind of like Prince

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