Katy Perry's "Roar": Why This Song Sucks

Categories: Serrano Time

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[Editor's Note: In this new column, award-winning music critic/goofball (and hip-hop coloring-book purveyor) Shea Serrano writes about his life and times. Better put on your shoes because your socks are about to be blown off.]

History: Katy Perry was born in 1984, except back then people called her "Katy Hudson" because that's her real name. In 2001 she was like, "You know what? I'm gonna release a Christian album," so that's what she did. It flopped.

Then she was like, "You know what? God can't take me to the top, bro, but I know what can," and so she changed her name to Katy Perry and swapped out our Lord and Savior for a bra that squirts out whipped cream. She's since sold approximately 10 million albums. "Roar" comes from her new album, Prism. It's not that great, but because she's not talking about Jesus Christ it was able to top the charts. Pretty cool world. Here's why it sucks.

Atmospherics: It sounds like Katy Perry heard "Brave" by Sara Bareilles and really, really liked it a lot and so she tried to make it herself.

It's not unlike the time one of my sons watched a video of a crocodile eating a deer and was like, "OH FUCK, DADDY! I WANNA BE A CROCODILE!" And so he ran upstairs, and two minutes later screamed for me to come, and when I got there he was standing all the way naked except for the plastic bag that he had hanging betwixt his butt cheeks. "I'M A CROCODILE," he shouted. "DO YOU SEE MY TAIL?" He wasn't a crocodile, and that wasn't a tail. He was a jackass with a grocery bag wedged into his tiny butt.

"Roar" is basically that: a plastic bag wedged into Katy Perry's butt. That's a little thing called a perfect metaphor.

Analysis: The song is about standing up for yourself, which I guess is fine enough. But three pretty dark and nasty things get revealed about her in the video:

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1. Katy Perry is ungrateful

She and a handsome man are in the jungle following a plane crash. The handsome man is boldly leading Katy Perry through the jungle, attempting to find help. Katy Perry is for some reason not feeling him. So she begins to sing about never arguing or causing any sort of fuss in the relationship.

That's when a tiger springs out and eats the handsome man. Katy Perry is barely shaken at all. As she more or less sings: "HAHAHAHAHA. In your face, bitch. Oh, by the way, I'm standing up for myself now! Because you're dead. Because that tiger just ate you."

Lady bros, just a quick tip: If your boyfriend/fiance/husband is doing something you don't like -- watching a dumb TV show or not putting his dirty dishes away or whatever -- you don't have to feed him to an animal. Just be like, "Yo, homie. Can you not do that please?" He'll be like, "All right, cool." Boom. Relationship fixed, and nobody dies.

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2. Katy Perry isn't that great at hunting

Katy Perry makes friends with a monkey. The monkey's like, "Yo, why don't you use your heel to make a spear," which is pretty goddamn smart, really. She's like, "Good idea." She makes the spear and the monkey is like, "Fuckin' a, bro. We're eating good tonight." Then Katy Perry goes hunting...

Continue to page two for more on why this song sucks.


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40 comments
Kasandra Tinajero
Kasandra Tinajero

I enjoyed the blog. He did make some good points as to why the video was retarded, not so much of why the song isn't good though. I bought the CD, and did not like it. I only liked two songs on it (although I loved her prior 2 albums). Left feeling disappointed by the CD. Wish I could get my money back..it is that bad.

Kristy Lytle
Kristy Lytle

A) Awful article in general. See above comments from like-minded folk who have summed it up very well thus far. B) The perfect metaphor part, however, was funny. I lol'ed. C) Yes, I typed "lol'ed". D) I'm not a fan, but Firework is catchy as hell (and you may or may not find it and Peacock on my music player). This song, though... I have nothing nice to say so I won't say anything.

jay smith
jay smith

"Snooty, elitist music rag dislikes a Pop song.

STORY AT 10!"

jsnunn78
jsnunn78

Based on the arguments presented here, shouldn't this article be titled "Why this video sucks" and not "Why this song sucks"?  I mean, your primary arguments all have to do with elements of the music video and a strange metaphor about your kid shoving a plastic bag in his ass.  There's plenty here to make fun of musically, so why the cop out?

Virginia Superwolf
Virginia Superwolf

agree... it's a horrrrible song and I was shocked it was even on the billboard top 10 for a while.

Rachael King
Rachael King

I can't believe so many people are getting so defensive about a stupid pop song/singer. Some tits need calming in here, pronto.

Tori Schubert
Tori Schubert

Can I have the 2 minutes back that I wasted reading this crap blog and the title should have read "Katy Perry's video for Roar sucks" because all the author did was complain about the video and it was by far well done

Rachel Roach
Rachel Roach

WOW! This page used to be pretty outstanding, these articles are ridiculous, and like Jimmy said...way too much negativity on this page lately, hey admin...you suck, im about done with this page.

Rachel Roach
Rachel Roach

Me too, this page has really gone down hill.

Steve Mincer
Steve Mincer

huh...i don't see ms. perry wearing too many rubber dresses with the obama logo on it these days.

Stacy Mariebeck
Stacy Mariebeck

Ha! I get it :-) (that song is stuck in my head, btw lol).

AshSpiv
AshSpiv

Must have been a slow news day at the RFT.

April Starr
April Starr

I like it and so does most a Of the world fail try again...

Mark Bland
Mark Bland

He also wrote this amazing piece of journalism.... http://blogs.laweekly.com/westcoastsound/2013/10/girls_i_dated.php ... Let me cut through this article to and explain why they all broke up with you... Because girls don't want to ride a recumbent bike everywhere. And having that cool iPhone tool that plugs into the phone and replicates a 1970's touchpad phone isn't cool either.

Laura Inlow
Laura Inlow

If you don't like Katy Perry, fine, but this article is completely worthless. Not funny at all.

Ted Banta
Ted Banta

What was the point of this whiny blog entry? I'm dumber now for having read it.

Trent Harvey
Trent Harvey

This article really rustled my jimmies. I think we can agree that Katy is a mediocre artist. That being said, the author of this post is what really sucks. This is just piss poor writing and a mindless rant that makes no actual arguments as to why the song isn't good. I'm also amused at the article's disclaimer about it being from an "award winning music critic" ... What award? The mindless dribble award? The "most uncared for opinion" award? C'mon RFT. At least get some classy guest contributors.

Tom Diveley
Tom Diveley

I like it..but only because shes a foxxx

Mark Bland
Mark Bland

Let me cut through the article and give your opinion.... Katy Perry's Roar sucks cause it wasn't a hit for Arcade Fire or Mumford and sons.

Joan Reeves
Joan Reeves

""Roar" is basically that: a plastic bag wedged into Katy Perry's butt. That's a little thing called a perfect metaphor." LOLOLOLLOLOL.

Michaela Scattone
Michaela Scattone

wow, this is extremely dumb...and pointless. the writer is trying waaaaay too hard to be an edgy badass. Cursing doesn't make the article anymore interesting when you're not saying anything of substance to begin with...ya dig "bro"? is anybody else wondering why this person felt the need to write such a nonsensical, ridiculous piece of crap? katy perry is, indeed, a little annoying..but she's got nothing on this article. i mean, you called your child a jackass, only after admitting that he uses the f-bomb...so that's awesome. even though there are much more important things going on, i'm not one to dismiss the pleasure of reading good pop-culture material. i love smart ass critics, too. but seriously? reading this is a complete waste of time. much like writing this comment. sigh. but sometimes ya just gotta.

Cheryl Thomas
Cheryl Thomas

I can't stand Katy Perry's music. When Firework was really popular I lived in California where there are NO radio stations like the Point and it drove me nuts. Formulaic and boring.

Jim Phillips
Jim Phillips

Normally I do agree with you all, but not on this subject.

Anthony Doria
Anthony Doria

Unless this article is written as a sarcastic slap in the face mockery of people blog-bitching about famous people in an attempt to draw attention to themselves, then it is most certainly NOT well written OR funny.

David Biernbaum
David Biernbaum

I like the song and I like Katy Perry but this article is well done. Funny stuff!

Lanie Dattilo
Lanie Dattilo

So the RFT is bitter about Katy Perry...and you called your own son who sounds like he's probably 4 or 5 a jackass?? I think you're the jackass here.

Katy
Katy

Seriously, wtf?

Jimmy McMinn
Jimmy McMinn

Hey guys, find a song you like and talk about why it's good... So much negativity! :D happy Wednesday!

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