Ten Things the Door Guy Hates About You

doorguy1.jpg
Photo: Erik Hess
The Door Guy. He's seen and heard it all. Pukes puking. Bros fighting. Liars lying about the guest list to get by him. Drunks falling. Your "Turn up!" is his "Calm down!" Frankly, he hates you. Here are ten reasons why you can't blame him.

See Also: The Top Ten Ways to Piss Off Your Bartender at a Music Venue

Your Public Sex
Seriously. It happens. And, ew. It's worst in big clubs with lots of nooks and crannies. Nobody wants to glance over to a private, discreet dark corner during their favorite band playing and see people banging. But people's definition of "private" and "discreet" get pretty loose by the end of an evening, and suddenly, that naughty turn-on you might experience finding a hidden spot to get dirty just turns into people averting their eyes and pretending they aren't seeing what they're actually seeing. For real. Ew.

But more important than the total ew factor is that when people go to bars and night clubs, they drink. And sometimes they drink until they make bad decisions, and sometimes they drink until they aren't capable of making decisions. Which means that when you and your special friend for the next five minutes get caught awkwardly trying to maintain an erection while not knocking over a barstool, any door guy or bouncer in town isn't going to know if what's happening is two people having consensual (but totally gross) sex or something else. Yuck. Don't do it. If you see it, tattle.

Your Impossible Expectations
On the topic of tattling, the Door Guy is not omnipotent, and he cannot be everywhere at once. There's no such thing as instant response time, and sometimes things that shouldn't happen still happen. When it does, it is absolutely not a negative reflection on the venue or its staff. Random acts of oral or violence are exactly that -- random.

doorguy2.jpg
Photo by Erik Hess
What's right with this picture? No one is using their face as a wallet. Thank you.

Your Icky Mouth
It doesn't matter if it's the hottest day of summer or the deadest day of winter -- if your hands are full of your fixie's saddle bags or you're just trying to peel off seven layers of gloves, please, for the love of God, don't put your ID, your ticket, or your money in your mouth. Your mouth is not a convenient caddy when your hands are otherwise occupied. It is a disgusting germ factory full of filth. When you put something in it that is going to be in the Door Guy's hand five seconds later, yeah, THIS IS WHY THE HE HATES YOU.


My Voice Nation Help
17 comments
scrumly1
scrumly1

Also to people commenting with pictures, you do realize that most industry people I know have read this and now have faces to memorize.  Good luck with that....

scrumly1
scrumly1

In the bar industry it's not "The customer is always right", It's more "The customer is not only wrong, but an asshole and drunk as well"  Most staff that is not actually serving drinks is there to make sure you have a safe and clean time.  Not be your friend, get you a deal, or take your abuse.  Be polite, don't hassle the staff(service or otherwise), pay for your drinks, and don't fight. or in short 'Don't be a dick"  

Benjamin A. Snow
Benjamin A. Snow

ANd of course, you got people here saying crap like "this dude need to get over himself". Gotta love entitled people tho

Christopher Dugas
Christopher Dugas

Fantastic. Except there's one thing he forgot to mention: the "I just printed this $20 out today, it's totally fake!" joke every fucker paying a cover charge makes.

Justin Curia
Justin Curia

guys like james, adrian, josh--what sort of utopia do you live in that cynicism can't penetrate? the rest of us are in the shitty midwest, where laughing at the general public is an intrinsic pastime.

Joshua Steinmetz
Joshua Steinmetz

The door guy doesn't have a job without those people, he should be a little more humble.

rickythunder
rickythunder

The same sort of loser reads it and then comments how lame it is?

Daniel Sexauer
Daniel Sexauer

I guess "Your Stinginess" would cover one of those areas, except the description is only about bartenders

Terrence
Terrence

What sort of insecure loser cares, much less would read a list, about what the "door guy" thinks? Or the waiter. Or the bartender. Or the chef. Or any of the other subjects of these asinine lists for that matter? Sure, be polite and not obnoxious, but y'all seem to be angling for the role of downmarket Miss Manners for the hipster set. It's lame, and kinda creepy. 

Adrian Gandara
Adrian Gandara

Why, when your mother is always dripping like a faucet?

Daniel Sexauer
Daniel Sexauer

As a doorguy, this is missing some big ones. ID's/Cash in bras and Haggling/complaining about cover off the top of my head

Adrian Gandara
Adrian Gandara

Fuck what a door guy thinks! If anyone gave a fuck about what he thought he wouldn't be THE DOOR GUY! Haha! Shut the fuck up, check the ID and keep it moving! SMDH!

Berk Lee Jay
Berk Lee Jay

how about the classic "oh well I know the owner" or " come on I'm only going to have one drink and leave"

James Daegele
James Daegele

last i checked the doorguy is in the service industry and therefore should be prepared for all of these.

Now Trending

From the Vault

 

Clubs

St. Louis Event Tickets
Loading...