Ten Things the Door Guy Hates About You
The Door Guy. He's seen and heard it all. Pukes puking. Bros fighting. Liars lying about the guest list to get by him. Drunks falling. Your "Turn up!" is his "Calm down!" Frankly, he hates you. Here are ten reasons why you can't blame him.
Photo: Erik Hess
Your Public Sex
Seriously. It happens. And, ew. It's worst in big clubs with lots of nooks and crannies. Nobody wants to glance over to a private, discreet dark corner during their favorite band playing and see people banging. But people's definition of "private" and "discreet" get pretty loose by the end of an evening, and suddenly, that naughty turn-on you might experience finding a hidden spot to get dirty just turns into people averting their eyes and pretending they aren't seeing what they're actually seeing. For real. Ew.
But more important than the total ew factor is that when people go to bars and night clubs, they drink. And sometimes they drink until they make bad decisions, and sometimes they drink until they aren't capable of making decisions. Which means that when you and your special friend for the next five minutes get caught awkwardly trying to maintain an erection while not knocking over a barstool, any door guy or bouncer in town isn't going to know if what's happening is two people having consensual (but totally gross) sex or something else. Yuck. Don't do it. If you see it, tattle.
Your Impossible Expectations
On the topic of tattling, the Door Guy is not omnipotent, and he cannot be everywhere at once. There's no such thing as instant response time, and sometimes things that shouldn't happen still happen. When it does, it is absolutely not a negative reflection on the venue or its staff. Random acts of oral or violence are exactly that -- random.
Photo by Erik Hess What's right with this picture? No one is using their face as a wallet. Thank you.
Your Icky Mouth
It doesn't matter if it's the hottest day of summer or the deadest day of winter -- if your hands are full of your fixie's saddle bags or you're just trying to peel off seven layers of gloves, please, for the love of God, don't put your ID, your ticket, or your money in your mouth. Your mouth is not a convenient caddy when your hands are otherwise occupied. It is a disgusting germ factory full of filth. When you put something in it that is going to be in the Door Guy's hand five seconds later, yeah, THIS IS WHY THE HE HATES YOU.