Ten Things the Door Guy Hates About You

Your Stinginess
You're thirsty. You're ready to drink. It's a crowded show, you're really excited about the band, and you get a round for you and your two friends. You hand the bartender your credit card. She smiles and says, "You want to start a tab?" Quick hint: The answer is always yes. Do not ask a busy bartender in a nightclub or rock venue to run your card every time you order a round. You know you're having more than one drink. The bartender knows you're having more than one drink. This weird game of "Oh, maybe just ONE MORE" is just a passive-aggressive attempt to make it someone else's problem that ultimately, you cannot be trusted to drink a reasonable amount. Don't make your friendly bartender run your card six times. It kills fun. Why do you want to kill fun?

doorguy3.jpg
Photo by Erik Hess
We know you're going to order more drinks, OK?

Your Need for Attention
You're at the show to have a good time. Great. Cut loose, bro. But you constantly shouting "TURN UP!" is a red flag to the Door Guy that you need to calm down. You're basically broadcasting to the room that you've come out of the apartment tonight to be a nuisance. Which brings us to another reason the Door Guy hates you...

Your Puke
Did you and your bros have dinner before you hit the rock show? No? Why didn't you eat something before you went to a hot, crowded room to drink for five hours? That's just common sense.

doorguy4.jpg
Photo by Anna Gulbrandsen
Did you really just ask if we still have tickets?

Your Dumb Music Questions
Door Guy is much easier to talk to than a bartender. It's quieter at the door, and his job entails talking to people as they come in. And if you wander back over, he'll talk to you some more to be polite and give you a good customer experience -- as much as the busy line will allow. He'll even give you advice on your love life or plumbing, so feel free to check in with me, but please understand: He doesn't know anything about the music playing. A few bands play at Door Guy's venue every night. He doesn't know them all. He didn't read the band's Wikipedia page as research to get ready for the show. He will cringe if you ask him if the people onstage have more of a "classic psych" or "Americana" influence, and he certainly doesn't know when they're playing again.

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17 comments
scrumly1
scrumly1

Also to people commenting with pictures, you do realize that most industry people I know have read this and now have faces to memorize.  Good luck with that....

scrumly1
scrumly1

In the bar industry it's not "The customer is always right", It's more "The customer is not only wrong, but an asshole and drunk as well"  Most staff that is not actually serving drinks is there to make sure you have a safe and clean time.  Not be your friend, get you a deal, or take your abuse.  Be polite, don't hassle the staff(service or otherwise), pay for your drinks, and don't fight. or in short 'Don't be a dick"  

Benjamin A. Snow
Benjamin A. Snow

ANd of course, you got people here saying crap like "this dude need to get over himself". Gotta love entitled people tho

Christopher Dugas
Christopher Dugas

Fantastic. Except there's one thing he forgot to mention: the "I just printed this $20 out today, it's totally fake!" joke every fucker paying a cover charge makes.

Justin Curia
Justin Curia

guys like james, adrian, josh--what sort of utopia do you live in that cynicism can't penetrate? the rest of us are in the shitty midwest, where laughing at the general public is an intrinsic pastime.

Joshua Steinmetz
Joshua Steinmetz

The door guy doesn't have a job without those people, he should be a little more humble.

rickythunder
rickythunder

The same sort of loser reads it and then comments how lame it is?

Daniel Sexauer
Daniel Sexauer

I guess "Your Stinginess" would cover one of those areas, except the description is only about bartenders

Terrence
Terrence

What sort of insecure loser cares, much less would read a list, about what the "door guy" thinks? Or the waiter. Or the bartender. Or the chef. Or any of the other subjects of these asinine lists for that matter? Sure, be polite and not obnoxious, but y'all seem to be angling for the role of downmarket Miss Manners for the hipster set. It's lame, and kinda creepy. 

Adrian Gandara
Adrian Gandara

Why, when your mother is always dripping like a faucet?

Daniel Sexauer
Daniel Sexauer

As a doorguy, this is missing some big ones. ID's/Cash in bras and Haggling/complaining about cover off the top of my head

Adrian Gandara
Adrian Gandara

Fuck what a door guy thinks! If anyone gave a fuck about what he thought he wouldn't be THE DOOR GUY! Haha! Shut the fuck up, check the ID and keep it moving! SMDH!

Berk Lee Jay
Berk Lee Jay

how about the classic "oh well I know the owner" or " come on I'm only going to have one drink and leave"

James Daegele
James Daegele

last i checked the doorguy is in the service industry and therefore should be prepared for all of these.

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