Ten Things the Door Guy Hates About You

Your Stinginess
You're thirsty. You're ready to drink. It's a crowded show, you're really excited about the band, and you get a round for you and your two friends. You hand the bartender your credit card. She smiles and says, "You want to start a tab?" Quick hint: The answer is always yes. Do not ask a busy bartender in a nightclub or rock venue to run your card every time you order a round. You know you're having more than one drink. The bartender knows you're having more than one drink. This weird game of "Oh, maybe just ONE MORE" is just a passive-aggressive attempt to make it someone else's problem that ultimately, you cannot be trusted to drink a reasonable amount. Don't make your friendly bartender run your card six times. It kills fun. Why do you want to kill fun?

Photo by Erik Hess
We know you're going to order more drinks, OK?

Your Need for Attention
You're at the show to have a good time. Great. Cut loose, bro. But you constantly shouting "TURN UP!" is a red flag to the Door Guy that you need to calm down. You're basically broadcasting to the room that you've come out of the apartment tonight to be a nuisance. Which brings us to another reason the Door Guy hates you...

Your Puke
Did you and your bros have dinner before you hit the rock show? No? Why didn't you eat something before you went to a hot, crowded room to drink for five hours? That's just common sense.

Photo by Anna Gulbrandsen
Did you really just ask if we still have tickets?

Your Dumb Music Questions
Door Guy is much easier to talk to than a bartender. It's quieter at the door, and his job entails talking to people as they come in. And if you wander back over, he'll talk to you some more to be polite and give you a good customer experience -- as much as the busy line will allow. He'll even give you advice on your love life or plumbing, so feel free to check in with me, but please understand: He doesn't know anything about the music playing. A few bands play at Door Guy's venue every night. He doesn't know them all. He didn't read the band's Wikipedia page as research to get ready for the show. He will cringe if you ask him if the people onstage have more of a "classic psych" or "Americana" influence, and he certainly doesn't know when they're playing again.

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