Millennials: You Don't Know How to Party

Categories: Fiesta!, WTF

millenialsdontparty.jpg
Ian Witlen
The stage is THAT way. Jeez.

Millennials, you still do all the drugs and have all the sex, but I have to break it to you -- #realtalk -- you do not know how to party.

And it's bringing me down. Heading over to what's supposed to be the "jam," hosted by 24-year-old "scenesters," I always hope that there won't be finger foods but that the fridge will be so packed with Miller High Life that it won't totally close. But then I get there, and there's artisan, sprouted, gluten-free hummus with homemade organic cheese sticks and vegan crackers for dipping. And no one looks like they're having fun.

Meanwhile, partying with Gen Xers is the best ever. There's never any food beyond a bag of Doritos, an old pizza or Taco Bell someone grabbed at the end of the night. There are bongs everywhere, but people are dancing, and someone's getting a blowie in the bathroom. There's going to be a fight. Not just skinny straight guys throwing shade, but a bloody nose, "bitch, I'ma kill you" fight. There's nothing good to drink, but there always something to drink. There is a naked guy at the party, and you're probably going to make out with his friend. You will talk to strangers, and there's always good music.

Rip me to shreds in the comments, but someone had to say it. For the Millennials who want to party right, here are some new rules for you.

Booze is more important than appetizers.
Yes, you're all foodies. You "do it yourself." So cool. But for fuck's sake, save the gourmet snacks for your next dinner engagement. Parties are for sex and boozing and breaking shit. Half the Millennial festivities have almost no alcohol. And yeah, pot'll get you high, and molly'll make you rubby, but booze will make you fun.

BTW, when I was a kid (#old), dinner parties were for parents. Take a page from Iconz's book and "Get Fucked Up."

Dance, bitches!
God, there's nothing more pathetic than a party at 3 a.m., where everyone's in little clusters chatting quietly while some like Bon Iver song drags in the background. Wait! There is something more pathetic! When it's 3 a.m. and 2 Live freaking Crew is on the iPad and no one's moving. Get up and dance. It's a party. I hate you.

Parties are for meeting new people.
I swear, every time I hit up a Millennial event, no one is meeting anyone new. It's all the same old people talking to their same old peoples. Go home with someone all your friends didn't bone yet, for once.

And remember the Girl Scout song: "Make new friends but keep the old/one is silver and the other's gold."

YouTube isn't party entertainment.
For the love of God! Please, please, please do not put YouTube on at a party. Just, no.

No one wants to see that "really funny" viral piece of crap, stupid kung-fu underground video you want to put on 'cause you're stoned. If everyone were a better conversationalist, there would be less need for Internet visuals. Actual art visuals are OK, as is anything super trippy, or The Big Lebowski. But get off the Internet. It isn't real life.

Continue to page two for more party tips.

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64 comments
lazlototh64
lazlototh64

Whoever wrote this made a few valid points, yet is a complete and total faggot nonetheless.

CatBlade
CatBlade

I'm a gen X'er, and this article is riddled with douche-bro-ness in the highest. (The writer's gender is irrelevant.) Furthermore, whining about how certain people choose to party is lame. Did you write this out at a party? This is not news, nor is it even accurate. It just perpetuates agism, douche-ism, alcoholism, fat assery, and all around pointlessness. If I could slap you for wasting my time on this article - I would. Then I'd slap you again for compelling me to even respond to it. 

TallBlondeSTL
TallBlondeSTL

While I, a Millennial, agree to a certain extent, you fail to acknowledge the vast differences in our respective childhoods and young adult-hoods. While the youngest X-er's faced the 2001 recession, all of us have faced the worst recession since the Great Depression. To put it mildly, we just don't have the cash required to be able to live up to your "boozing and breaking shit" party mentality. Also while I am sure dealing with 9/11 as an adult was difficult, the oldest of us were seniors in high school. I am pretty sure if I spent my childhood without terror alert levels, and "see something, say something", I might be more inclusive and venture out of my friend group. Though we not be able to party, somebody has to be the no fun adults who clean up the mess left by the Baby Boomers.

Amber Davis
Amber Davis

Yet another story just for ratings. Nothing ground breaking, like you used to be.

Lydia Abigail
Lydia Abigail

Hence the "in case you missed it" headline ^^

Eric Nathan Lich
Eric Nathan Lich

This is so true! I miss the old days and every party I go to now is just like this. I'm not anti-social your parties and friends just suck

arruiz2011
arruiz2011

I <3 everything you just said! There is hope if some of these whine bags actually realize there is life beyond the cell phone.

Gretchen Neff Piofcyk
Gretchen Neff Piofcyk

Hey I made my contributions. I took my 15 yr. old to see The Urge. Some of are raising our kids right \m/ ...party on Wayne.

Dan Porter
Dan Porter

Didn't this get posted yesterday?

Andee Rose Shymama Gagliano
Andee Rose Shymama Gagliano

okay, i've alrdy read this article, and others in the past...but i always wonder, what does "ICYMI" stand for?

mikeappelstein
mikeappelstein

I truly don't care how millennials party or don't party. Just don't kill me with your cars afterward.

trauschs
trauschs

yawn.  stop moralizing your nostalgia and write a real piece.  this article could have been written by anybody at any time, ever. "you gen Xers don't know how to party, back in my day we would hunt men and drink paint thinner."  see?  i did it.  

also, putting the words "actual art visuals"  next to "anything super trippy" and "the big lebowski" should result in your license to opine on anything being immediately and permanently revoked.  

My suggestion to you is to take your own advice and get off the internet.  

Lydia Abigail
Lydia Abigail

As a member of the Millenials, I am conflicted about this. It's true to an extent, but mostly it depends on your crowd. Good lord is it true that we need new people in our group! I think the more annoying bad habit of my generation is Beer Pong. It's fun every once in a while, but not at every fucking party!!

Lex Mitchell
Lex Mitchell

Not mad it's just irrelevant, bias, and another shitty article written by the RFT. Not to mention you're making a universal claim about a whole generation.

Jeff Fortner
Jeff Fortner

good article i rather booze it up and meet new homies yo!!! lol

ut_4_me
ut_4_me topcommenter

Sounds like someone is getting old.

Lex Mitchell
Lex Mitchell

You've obviously never partied with Akshaya Sharma

Samuele Vincenzo Baiamonte
Samuele Vincenzo Baiamonte

I just imagine the editor at RFT Music sitting at his desk, sadly looking out the window as some asshole walks into his office to hand him this article for submission. He slowly tilts his head down to make sure there are words, and he sadly gives him the thumbs up. Publish whatever, I don't care. What a sad, sad day.

Tictic Bump
Tictic Bump

Sounds like the author needs to quite hanging around with dbags to me.

alexm.hd.2012
alexm.hd.2012

Only in St. Louis.. the city where you can get drunk from the fumes just walking down the street in South City.. will you see a trashy excuse for an article such as this.  It's time to grow up StL hipsters, maybe write some real articles, about real events, and musicians that are relevant for reasons besides being the ones you're shacking and shagging at the time your writing. Then, maybe we'll have an actual music and art scene again and not just a bunch of herpes infected gutter slums.

Couch Pig
Couch Pig

The bathsalt zombie revolution

Lex Mitchell
Lex Mitchell

Does the RFT even write relevant articles?

Steves Pro Photos
Steves Pro Photos

I agree up until the point where you expect me to buy you beer! Bring your own fucking beer. Bring too much. The only beer i share is the Pabst that have been sitting in the cooler out back from the camping trip three months ago. If you know you're going to a party the plan is to get Drunk so bring shit to do that! Don't depend on other people to do it for you.

hoobajoob
hoobajoob

Wow, this is incredibly douchey.

Deb Woods
Deb Woods

Maybe we should have 1 giant blowout STL party & show them how it's done. Put a cellphone jammer on the roof so they actually have to TALK to someone!

Bobbette Bequette
Bobbette Bequette

Yep, this article is right on. I'm 54 - millennials wouldn't even begin to know how to keep up with me - even now.

Michael Wall
Michael Wall

This generation is lost... I'd rather party with generation Z!!! I'm reading these excuses by the Millennials as to why they can't hang and they sound like a bunch of pussies. Since when did everyone who parties in STL live in the suburbs? and my generation yells FUCK THE POLICE!!!!

Cory Higgins
Cory Higgins

Wow. y'all are fucking stupid and this article is fucking stupid

Andy Wright
Andy Wright

Dan Brown nailed it! Most people are AFRAID to party. I'm too old for it now, but good grief, the punishments handed out will ruin a person...just for having a wild time. I can't blame theses poor kids for their lame party techniques.

Shannon_L
Shannon_L

This was spot on Liz. Love it.

Theirry Less
Theirry Less

Lol! Isn't that the truth? Most of these kids are product of Gen Xer parties, ( Ha! ) and they think they can party harder. Reality is, they are so SUPER SOCIAL MEDIA intoxicated that they don't need booze. Even in the picture here ^^ front row gal with her iPad, ( at a concert? whoa ) so worried about that oh-so-perfect duckface pics with her friends that she missed the awesome stage slide dude just did before the song ended. ( providing that the musicians in the bands of their listening pleasure even rock out like that anymore ( my guess is they do not ).

Stancy Tarheel
Stancy Tarheel

Nailed It in this article....Not only instagramming at parties but texting the entire time...lol..

Courtney Ringle
Courtney Ringle

take off your stupid huge rimmed fake hipster glasses and skinny jeans, because You. Look. Dumb. take a toke, or a shot of tequila and challenge someone to a game of Duck Hunt for crying out loud.

rfg.wwe
rfg.wwe

@alexm.hd.2012  check out the Beggar's Carnivale, the burlesque scene and the life on Cherokee Street. The Casa Loma still rules the night. We have a fantastic art and music scene here in the City. Go find it. 

Shannon_L
Shannon_L

@Courtney Ringle   LMAO @ Duck Hunt

alexm.hd.2012
alexm.hd.2012

@rfg.wwe @alexm.hd.2012 Well, that's all from your perspective.  I personally don't particularly have much interest in burlesque and got bored with Cherokee Street pretty quick because of it's disorganization and lack of anything new..  What you may see as a thriving music and art scene, I see as a tattered bunch of fragments from groups and cliches that have all past and cannot be recollected.  On top of that, there isn't much linking all these particulates to anything of substance inside or outside of the dull outreaches of our city; and before you backlash with something towards that specifically, I don't think that a friend of a friend knowing someone or some band that's "really big" counts..  There's a reason why a good majority of touring bands don't play shows in St. Louis; I've played plenty of shows with plenty of musicians/bands and at least 2/3 of all the people with which I've played (and a good number of awesome folks I've seen play) do not come back because there are slim turn outs and a general douchey attitude expressed much like the one in this article.  Not everyone wants to get wasted and party, some of us would rather try to change this city and in turn make ripples into the rest of the world.

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