Six Ways to Ruin Everyone's Lives with Karaoke

Categories: Nitpick Six

karaokenightmares.jpg
Kevin Burkett, Flickr
It's the holidays! Time for you and your dopey friends from high school to reunite and tear up the town. What'll it be this evening: pouring manure on your hated gym teacher's front door step and then urinating on it? Getting trashed and picking a fight with the bully who became the bouncer at whatever bar that Denny's restaurant turned into?

Or maybe you could do something really wild, like go out and sing some karaoke! It'll be great -- you can lust after other despicable empty-headed twits with business degrees while you ignore your server because you already sent Big Dave-O to the bar to order the drinks. It'll be a blast! For only you guys!

See Also: Our "Ask a Karaoke Host" Archives

While you're out, make sure you ruin everyone else's chances of enjoying ourselves by obeying these six rules for screwing up karaoke for the rest of us.

6. Sing "Sweet Caroline" by Neil Diamond

Why would you put this song on? Is karaoke some sort of formulaic game to you? Do you also yell out "Free Bird" at concerts and start clapping when someone drops their tray in the cafeteria at work? Or are you just a big fan of the Boston Red Sox? Or the movie Beautiful Girls with Matt Dillon? Please, just sit down. Forever.

karaokegroup.jpg
Justin Seabrook-Rocha, Flickr

5. Have Four of You Sing at Once (and all suck)

It's the same every time you do it. There's the shy one who got dragged up there with no intention of ever actually singing. There's a woman dancing so hard she can't even hold the microphone in front of her face. And the superstar with the constipated face, focusing too hard on actually singing something no one cares about. But who could forget the real crowd pleaser -- the awkward wallflower that doesn't know the song but makes noises and adds commentary. Brilliant.


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61 comments
Geneva Sue Young
Geneva Sue Young

Harsh article. What happened to having fun? Remind me not to sing where you go. And I'm pretty sure Sweet Caroline (while I do not sing it) is a crowd favorite. Otherwise, why would the whole bar sing along?

Cat Skyfire
Cat Skyfire

Karaoke is like AA..."Hi, my name is Cat...and I'm going to sing a song." Afterwards, applause regardless. Karaoke is about having fun. You wait through the bad ones, enjoy the good ones, and leave it at that.

Amanda Arney Cunningham
Amanda Arney Cunningham

Freebird. Bohemian Rhapsody. Anything by Mariah, Whitney, Xtina...I'll stop here. My list is rather voluminous.

Heather Girone
Heather Girone

speaking on behalf of all the karaoke hosts around town, hands down The Song to NOT sing: PICTURE!

Kurt Wise
Kurt Wise

"Fat Bottomed Girls" chunky girls think it is cute to sing about a child molesting nanny.

Jen Nahlik
Jen Nahlik

An RFT blogger trashing One Direction -- So brave!

Casey Hahn
Casey Hahn

Emily Michelle, this made me laugh.

Kayleigh Vogelgesang
Kayleigh Vogelgesang

I'm beginning to think Drew Ailes is the most miserable SOB on the face of the planet...

Barry Bean
Barry Bean

I'm an orthodox musician and have long recognized that karaoke is a bad thing that kills jobs, encourages mediocrity, and is likely carcinogenic. Nothing moves me out of a bar or party quicker than the presence of karaoke!

Mike Moreno
Mike Moreno

gotten into a couple of fights like that, this seems to be a problem with guys in softball leagues.

Mike Moreno
Mike Moreno

Songs that should be banned, Love Shack, Picture, Don't Stop Believin (yeah that's quite enough), anything enjoyed by the teen set, especially if the bar is full of thirtysomethings, Tool (the songs are 7 minutes plus, unmelodic, and only enjoyed by guys who wear all black and play Warcraft), and for fuck's sake if you're a regular at a place, mix it up a bit, don't sing the same songs EVERY TIME YOU GO.

Alex Ramatowski
Alex Ramatowski

Or there's the ones that run around in the crowd acting like they are really a super star

Alex Ramatowski
Alex Ramatowski

Even worse is doing the same songs you ruin every week for two years every week.

wingarri
wingarri

The best way for you to ruin the karaoke experience for everyone is to pretend like it is your own private American Idol audition. We are not there to vote for you to win, we want to drink and sing fun songs.

Kevin Kreitner
Kevin Kreitner

8. Don't upstage and don't be terrible. If you're a semiprofessional singer, get the hell out of the dive bar. If you're absolutely awful, sit back and enjoy the show. Leave it to to the in betweeners.

Kevin Kreitner
Kevin Kreitner

7. Don't hop up and grab a mic just cause you think it would be fun to sing my song, too. Sit down.

John Zimmermann
John Zimmermann

My favorite is the guy who shows up to the bar (aka his gig), and drinks a water. He can't wait to rock everyone's socks off.

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