36 New Year's Resolutions for an Awful Music Journalist

Categories: Nitpick Six

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Will music journalism always suck? Probably. MTV will always feature at least three Justin Bieber articles on its news page, and NME will continue their 1:4 ratio of articles about members of Oasis. And of course, people like me will still write articles about botching interviews and how cool nu-metal is.

But with a new year brings new hope. As part of the constant effort to create a better site and become a better music journalist, I multiplied six by six to give you the ultimate sixlist: 36 New Year's Resolutions for an Awful Music Journalist.

1. Say "yeah" more times than Rob Zombie but less times than Nelly
2. Never find Kreayshawn attractive again

Press Photo
Looking back, I'm kind of mystified that I ever did.

3. Put my arms around Mark McGrath, just like he asked
4. Actually Imagine Dragons, because somehow it is less nerdy than listening to them
5. Create and manage a new music superstar named Doug Step
6. Create and manage a sexy pop superstar infant named "Baby Goo Goo" to tour with "Lady Gaga"
7. Finally pitch the show Danzig With the Stars
8. Replace the remaining members of the Misfits with three KISS Pez dispensers

Robert Couse-Baker / Flickr
It would be a lateral move, at the very least.

9. Figure out if Geddy Lee from Rush is really Les Claypool from Primus' grandmother
10. Remind myself when I am renewing my license that at least the DMV does not stand for Dave Matthews Van
11. To incubate in Steven Tyler's chest and then burst out of it with a tinier version of me that comes out of my mouth
12. Continue not listening to ska, even though I am impressed by a band calling themselves the Ska-Skank Redemption

Continue to page two for more New Year's Resolutions.

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Um… I do believe Mumford and Sons is an insurance agency in Duluth.


"Never find Kreayshawn attractive again" seems more than a little sexist and just kind of shitty of you to put out there. 

Sex appeal is a big part of popular music, but it's not the only part -- I haven't ever heard a Kreayshawn song before, but just making a flippant, dismissive comment solely on her looks? At best, it sells her musical output short and at worst makes the writer come off like a dude-bro drinking beers around a bon fire; either scenario should result in a massive, reflexive "Fuck You" from the reader and an immediate exit back to Facebook. 

andrewrobertailes topcommenter

@What pretty sure her musical output sells her musical output short. if you'd like, i can write more than a flippant dismissive comment solely on her music.

i dont think feeling ashamed of being attracted to someone who sucks is a gender specific thing. 

then again, i'm going to triumphantly smash a can of Busch Lite on my head after i'm done writing this comment - because that's what males who make statements about being attracted to people always do.


@andrewrobertailes  Sure. Comment on her music. Ostensibly that's why people read music blogs. 

Why didn't you just write a list called "Ten Female Musicians I Thought Were Attractive But Don't Anymore"? Because you've already got your first one.

Just own it that you come off as a bit sexist and get back to writing about metal bands.

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