36 New Year's Resolutions for an Awful Music Journalist

Categories: Nitpick Six

13. Take better care of my body now so that I can sell it to Vince Neil for more drugs later
14. Blow the lid off the Internet with a list of "Rappers Who Look Like Cats"

Topping the list, obviously.

15. Get extremely overweight and then accidentally kill Chris Cornell during sex
16. Convince my father that it is pronounced "Bong Iver"
17. Turn Mumford and Sons into a hardware store
18. Stop shopping at co-ops if it means I don't have to watch a woman sing Blues Traveler to a baby
19. Rationalize my deteriorating good looks by remembering that the guy from Coldplay is going bald, too.
20. To never forget that the guy from Avenged Sevenfold is no longer going bald because he is rich enough
21. Actually listen to the Arctic Monkeys so I can find a reason to hate them aside from their name

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...as well as their hair, clothes and faces.

22. Find a strip club where all the dancers are Rob Zombie and all the music is made by sad, beautiful women
23. Force-feed Carlos Santana breast-milk pizza
24. Meet a member of the band Autograph and ask him for his autograph while nudging him with my elbow over and over again

Continue to page three for more New Year's Resolutions.

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Um… I do believe Mumford and Sons is an insurance agency in Duluth.


"Never find Kreayshawn attractive again" seems more than a little sexist and just kind of shitty of you to put out there. 

Sex appeal is a big part of popular music, but it's not the only part -- I haven't ever heard a Kreayshawn song before, but just making a flippant, dismissive comment solely on her looks? At best, it sells her musical output short and at worst makes the writer come off like a dude-bro drinking beers around a bon fire; either scenario should result in a massive, reflexive "Fuck You" from the reader and an immediate exit back to Facebook. 


@What pretty sure her musical output sells her musical output short. if you'd like, i can write more than a flippant dismissive comment solely on her music.

i dont think feeling ashamed of being attracted to someone who sucks is a gender specific thing. 

then again, i'm going to triumphantly smash a can of Busch Lite on my head after i'm done writing this comment - because that's what males who make statements about being attracted to people always do.


@andrewrobertailes  Sure. Comment on her music. Ostensibly that's why people read music blogs. 

Why didn't you just write a list called "Ten Female Musicians I Thought Were Attractive But Don't Anymore"? Because you've already got your first one.

Just own it that you come off as a bit sexist and get back to writing about metal bands.

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