Pitbull's "Timber" featuring Ke$ha: Why This Video Sucks
2:00: Do this: Pause the video right at the 2:00 mark. I'm not the only one who's a little disappointed with Pitbull's lack of muscle tone, right? I mean, a guy waits years to see Pitbull with his shirt off and this is the reward. You know what nvm bye.
2:19: I'm pretty sure those are nurse sharks that Pitbull is fussing with. My sons are super into sharks right now, which is why I know that nurse sharks are basically the pussiest of all sharks (not counting the whale shark, of course, which is barely even a shark). That said, I'm still not too interested in getting very close to anything that swims and has teeth. (This is also why I've never gotten into the water with Rihanna.) (Rihanna was not expecting to take such a beating in this column, I'm sure.)
2:22: How long do you think Ke$ha could actually last on a mechanical bull? Ewww, do you remember that joke about how witches hold onto brooms? Gross, gross. Sry. :/
2:42: Oh fuck. Pitbull is in the water, and that's perilous enough since there are probably sharks around, but more impressive is that he's swimming with his eyes open. That shit is the worst. I tried that while swimming in the Gulf of Mexico once. It was like trying to look through battery acid*. Pitbull is a boss.
*The Gulf of Mexico ain't exactly the cleanest body of water. I swear to God one time I watched a stingray swim up onto the shore, stand up on its end, wipe itself clean of the mucky water, then mutter "Come the fuck on already with this water." I swear to God.
3:08: I'll say this. Pitbull always looks like he is enjoying himself.
3:24: True: I actually met Pitbull once. He was appearing at this backbeat club in Houston to celebrate a thing that was being celebrated by a record label he had ties with. The PR person tried to make it a very formal affair. There was a red carpet setup and everything, only except it was done right in the middle of the parking lot outside the club. I was one of the only journalists, so when one of the artists would arrive, the PR person would say, "Shea, do you want to interview this guy?" and I would either say yes and she would introduce me or I would say no and she would make a frump face.
The two people I said yes to: Baby Bash, a semi-famous regional artist that had a guest verse on South Park Mexican's wonderful Never Change album that I wanted to ask Bash about, and Pitbull. Pitbull was very polite and very short and very well dressed (even back before he was truly famous he only ever wore suits) and smelled like how I imagine very successful people smell (they also mention that in the interview above). I can say no bad things about him as a person. That said: This song is the pits. No change there.
Oh, super important sidenote: Former NBA player Robert Horry was there too. I was very excited about that because this wasn't too long after he hit a mega-three pointer in Game 5 of the NBA Finals that helped the Spurs, my favorite everything, win the NBA Championship. I had 6,000 things I wanted to say him. I was so truly amped up. And I said exactly zero words to him. Instead, I just made eye contact with him, felt my stomach fall out of my butthole, then made this strange gargle noise at him. He looked at me, looked off to the side, looked back at me, then walked into the club. It was my favorite moment of the night.
But anyway anyway: Yeah, the song still isn't good. Sorry, Pitbull.
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