Some Joker Calling Himself "Chim Richards" Has Been Messing with Us

chim-richards.jpg
The only evidence of said maniac's existence.
Here at RFT Music, we're dedicated to keeping track of all the great concerts going on in town, so you don't have to. From scouring the calendars of the area's best venues and snatching up flyers to collecting event submissions via carrier pigeon and this thing called the Internet, we get all kinds of show information every single day. Sometimes, though, we get trolled and rickrolled so dang good. We ain't even mad though, 'cuz we're no strangers to love. You know the rules, and so do I. A full commitment's what I'm thinking of. You wouldn't get this from any other guy.

Quick reminder: this is how you should submit shows to us if you want to make sure we cover what matters to you. Check it out and tell us what's going on. We're happy to help in whatever ways we can. Alternatively, you could follow the model of some maniac who has been submitting shows to us in somewhat unconventional ways. His name is Chim Richards, he is a madman and we, at RFT Music, genuinely salute him.

SUBMITTOR'S NAME:
Monsignor Richards

EVENT:
"Event of Uncertain Origin"

DATE:
2014-2-18

TIME:
When the Bough Breaks

COST:
your last cup of sorrow

VENUE NAME:
Lil' Mix-Ups Gender Dysmorphic Paintball Dungeon

CONTACT NAME:
Heike Schlagzeug

SUBMITTOR'S E-MAIL:
ChimXRichards@gmail.com

DESCRIPTION:
Warring Factions of St. Louis:

It is I, Chim Richards. Wizard-slayer, danger-maker, crud-fudger and corn-popper to the stars.
For far too long has this city been divided by the invisible boundaries of hirsutism. The hairless youths and Washington Avenue party poopers rule the more vacuous quarters of the night; The lushly-furred wunderkinder of the underground hold sway over the bizarre nether-realm. Around them, the city sinks into the clawed grasp of Ennui and her lap-dog, Doldrums.
Only a god-king could bridge the gap that separates your sects. I am that god-king, but I have been busy with my puzzles and placemat mazes.
In my stead I send to you the might and mystery of Meistereseichenreichenessefussegesangen, Nuerenberg's most popular bassist. Only through the sonic wreckage wrought by this most primordial of tunesmiths can the fault lines of your home be healed. Not by welding shut the breach -- nay, not at all. Meistereseichenreichenessefussegesangen will shatter and smash and melt all that stands before it, leaving only a bubbling ooze that will cover your city to a depth of 17 leagues. In time that sludge sea will birth a new lifeform, one that percolates first, then swims, then crawls, then walks, then flies, then flickers ceaselessly through all realms and worlds. But that is untold millennia from now.
You call for a god? I send you a sky beast, an earth titan, a fire storm, a celestial wind, a monster. I send you Meistereseichenreichenessefussegesangen. All shall fall. All shall die. All shall be remade in the image of Meistereseichenreichenessefussegesangen.

Don't forget to visit the merchtable.

CATEGORY/GENRE:
Toyotathon

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18 comments
Kayleigh Vogelgesang
Kayleigh Vogelgesang

That was the mist beautiful thing I have ever read. Bless you, Chim Richards.

Samuel W. Mulholland
Samuel W. Mulholland

I love the absolute pessimism of that Norwegian post. How absolutely fucking fantastic.

Laura Cox
Laura Cox

Um...Milton McDaniel...are you Chim Richards ?!

Richard Kyles
Richard Kyles

Denmark Laine , Sir have you been having a bit of fun?

David Lee Smithson
David Lee Smithson

This "Chum" and his surname Richards derives from the same ilk of loitering foul mouths, and bar room tricksters. Those same that scratch ceaselessly at their groins soothing the V disease their fathers bestowed on them. A harbinger of masturbation and leaking phallus, this traitor of Wizards will meet his disheveled corpse face to bod when his melon sized head is loped off. If Chim "Chum" Dicks is spotted, please report to the Hall of Wizing for The Wiz, in downtown Atlantis, 30 leagues under the sea due North West by West North. Sincerely Put Out, Earl Erroneous, First Class Dr.

mattstuttler
mattstuttler

Mindwipes, Brain Blast, and Dreaded Ego Whip. All awesome band names. 

Person
Person

My vote for the mystery writer goes to... your very own Paul Friswold! Yes, he may currently be banished to the journalistic Siberia of theater review, but only the P-Frizz could (and would) write stuff this awesome.


Now contrast his writing to the insufferable, millennial pop culture clickbait of Drew Ailes and you'll be convinced the Arch is a giant frown.


So rock on, Pope John Paul the Friswold. Even though you'd probably never, ever, EVER in a million years admit to doing this, you are loved that much more for it.

Pwnzorrz
Pwnzorrz

<3  Hire Him. Immediately.

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