Six People to Avoid When Forming a Band

Categories: Nitpick Six

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All illustrations by Dave Watt
Being in a band is hard. Assembling a band is almost impossible. As anyone who's been through a few bands can tell you, meeting a self-proclaimed "musician" should instill about as much enthusiasm in you as meeting someone who is going to college for a career in law enforcement. You're either about to talk to a caring, compassionate, intelligent person or a psychotic, self-serving demon. By the analogy, you can probably guess which is more common.

Despite the intense joy we all take in watching a singer refuse to take the stage until the drummer changes his silk Western-style shirt, there comes a time we must rise up and take a stand. So furrow your brow and focus as we save your sanity by providing six people to avoid when forming a band.

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Dave Watt

6. Attractive Tattoo Asshole

We all know this person -- the charismatic, almost accidentally fashionable and uncompromising artist who poetically suffers by refusing to adapt to society. And has a shitload of tattoos, for some reason.

Truth be told, Attractive Tattoo Asshole is a great social companion. Their flashy appearance and gregarious nature makes them a constant spectacle. If you've ever wanted to get into a hundred conversations with a hundred people you'll never want to see again, Attractive Tattoo Asshole is your greatest ally.

Unfortunately, the narcissism they've cultivated to protect their fragile egos usually leads to some sort of nuclear friendship fallout as you learn they're the kind of person that will ditch you at the bar to go have sex with one of your friends. In your bed. Eventually, you'll start to wonder how such a struggling artist managed to get thousands of dollars of ink all over their body. That's when you notice you're missing some of your guitar pedals.

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Dave Watt

5. Americana Reject

I could write a long and articulate passage on the problem with the Americana Reject, but I'm just going to stick to the initial notes I penned when writing up the first draft of this article:

"Boring coffee-drinking ass, hang out in your artisan cocktail bar. Can't even play the accordion. Fedoras suck."


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52 comments
joelgentry5577
joelgentry5577

I picture this drew guy a little of all these people......

rafilo7
rafilo7

Aren't bands, duos and solos made up of Truly Talented ? Why did you included them on such a list ?

John Parker
John Parker

great article but i sort of feel like if you avoided all these people there wouldn't really be anyone to work with...

Jamie M. George
Jamie M. George

The "yeah I'm a drummer.... uhhh do you have a kit i could use......and can you pick me up for practice......and haul my gear to shows" drummer.

tonytribolet
tonytribolet

Forgot about the Talentless Delusional Despot. The one that thinks that the band has a serious future in the music business and will make a million dollars only if the rest of the band accepts the Despot's leadership as the only one with the raw talent to take the band somewhere. they are either lead guitar players that can't improvise and the rest of the band is off tempo or they are lead singers and the rest of the band is off key.

Jack Semelsberger
Jack Semelsberger

Yes, by all means, avoid having a talented person at all costs!!! Not even one!

__SineadMc
__SineadMc

@szrcha I wonder if I'm attractive tattoo asshole, without the selfish dick tendencies that it O_o

Stephen Haake
Stephen Haake

I've seen some of those however, have been lucky enough to have avoided most of them.... there are maybe 1 or 2 more that could be added to that list tho. I would fall under the music school one lol... I guess... or maybe the truly talented...

Metalmoccha
Metalmoccha

@BenOrum I'm not really any of them. But I'd be the "John Bonham" if I were in a band. And nobody would want that.

Winston Dunbar
Winston Dunbar

Been through all of these. Several times, perhaps.

FastLoudKarl
FastLoudKarl

@BenOrum I'm neither of them. Closest would be truly talented, but I'm not at all talented.

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