20 Signs You Spend Too Much Time in the Loop

Categories: LOLZ

Paul Sableman
Loop-dwellers have a different skill-set than regular visitors to other parts of the city. Their brains are wired differently now, with random thoughts and tidbits of information that could only come from too much time spent on the bustling stretch between the Church of Scientology and the Pageant.

How do we know? Well, RFT Headquarters is nestled on Delmar as well; right in the thick of it. We are living it, baby. Here are twenty signs you spend too much time in the Loop (like us).

1. You have a mental map of the flute busker's location, and plan your route to lunch accordingly.

2. The mere sight of a crosswalk gives you symptoms of PTSD -- memories of near-misses and close calls still keep you up at night.

Crosswalk etiquette in the Loop dictates that this man will soon be flattened by that car, which will neither stop, slow down or even recognize what those lines in the road mean.

3. Drunky McToots (the guy who mouth-rapes that trumpet in fifteen-second bursts) has stopped "playing" for you when you walk by.

4. If you need a cop, you know to go to Smoothie King.

5. Having learned a painful lesson once, you no longer step on the stars after rain or snow.

Seriously, what did they make these things out of? Motor oil and banana peels?

6. Speaking of the stars, you spend too much time thinking about John Goodman's illustrious film career -- and his brief but explosive role on Treme -- because you walk past his every day.

7. Oh, and also you reflexively tell the "You know what Susan Blow invented?" joke to tourists who stop at her star.

8. You've purposely foiled the Wash U kids' "Explore the Loop" scavenger hunt, because fuck those little shits; I'm only making minimum wage.

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