I Chaperoned a Middle School Valentine's Day Dance

Categories: Serrano Time

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Photo by Jose Kevo via Flickr

Editor's Note: Shea Serrano is an award-winning music writer and goofball whose recent exploits include Bun B's Rapper Coloring and Activity Book. In his new column, he writes about his life and times.

3:20 p.m.: Today I am chaperoning our school's Valentine's Day dance. A line of about 100 kids is already waiting to get into the cafeteria, which is where we hold all of our school's dances. In the movies there's always, like, a decorations committee or whatever worrying that everything's not going to be finished in time for the dance and will be ruined. That's not how it works in real life.

You know who the decorating committee is at a middle school in real life? Four janitors. Do you know how they decorate? They move all of the tables out of the way. Malibooyah. The dance is ready, and the kids go goddamn nuts for it. That's a little thing called being efficient.

3:20:15: If you're questioning the effectiveness of moving tables as a means of decorating for a dance, go home today and put the kitchen table in the living room. Everyone in your whole house will freak the hell out about it. Table placement is serious, son.

3:24: The DJ for today's dance is a younger black lady. Normally our school hires this 60-year-old Mexican man who was kin to someone at our campus, but the lady that used to handle that is gone now, so he got the ax. I'll miss his Old Man Jeans.

3:26: Malibooyah. First song played: Sage the Gemini's very clubby "Gas Pedal." This is a strong start, to be sure. It's the first time we've ever had someone play a song that wasn't 30 years old at one of our dances. The kids seem appreciative.


3:38: The very first time I gave a girl something for Valentine's Day was when I was in the eighth grade. I gave her a six-pack of chocolate milk (I don't know why) and a hand-drawn picture of our names graffiti-ed on a brick wall. That's the realest shit of all. I'm saying, do you even know how long it takes to draw a brick wall? Like 40 minutes, man. True love.


3:38:15: Semi-related: The first time I ever for real kissed a girl was also in the eighth grade. I used to think I was a very cool kid in middle school, but then I saw pictures of me from back then about two or three years ago. I was definitely not a very cool kid. My front teeth looked like goddamn index cards. God bless that girl -- that kiss was probably the most altruistic moment of her whole life.


3:51: "Wobble." Wonderful. The DJ could play Boston for the rest of the dance, and she'd still have a better average than the previous guy.


3:58: Hahahahaha. There's a "Selfie Station" at the back of the dance. It's basically just a big Valentine's Day poster that you can take pictures in front of. Two eighth-graders asked a seventh-grader to take their picture in front of it.

The seventh-grader agreed, took the phone, aimed it at the eighth-graders, then very quickly clicked the little icon that reverses the direction of the camera, took a picture of herself pretending to take a picture of them, then handed them the phone and ran away before they could check it. I don't know who that kid was, but I know she's my favorite kid of all time.


4:04: The big guns: The DJ is playing "Me Puedo Matar" by Bachata Heightz. That's what's up. She is very serious about this. Our school is almost exclusively Latino, so this is pretty much the smartest move ever. Thirteen-year-old girls LOVE Bachata Heightz.


4:11: Oh no. "Timber." The new DJ takes a hit. Old Mexican Man DJ would have never played this, though I have to assume that it would be because he wouldn't have even known that it existed. There's something to be said for ignorance, I suppose.

See also: Pitbull's "Timber" featuring Ke$ha: Why This Video Sucks

4:16: OK. Jason Derulo's "Talk Dirty." I'm gonna go ahead and go stand outside until this song is over. Thanks, thanks.


4:18: Miley's "We Can't Stop." This car is skidding out of control. Someone send help.

Continue to page two for the world's most incredible middle-school "dougie" competition of all time.



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36 comments
Mike O'Connell
Mike O'Connell

"OH MY GOD IT'S A GODDAMN DOUGIE APOCALYPSE IN HERE." This still have me laughing four days later.

Patrick Devine
Patrick Devine

These stories by Shea make me cry every time. Comedy gold. Keep it up!

Colin Feeney
Colin Feeney

The Dougie Apocalypse? We're all screwed now! *lol*

Tim Corkill
Tim Corkill

They are only as smart as their teachers and since everybodies a winner they will be disappointed when they start jamming needles in their arms

dwight.kossman
dwight.kossman

"3:58" freaking hilarious! That'd definitely be my favorite kid there!

Carrie Watkins
Carrie Watkins

Very very funny!! I'm sitting in a doctors office and laughed out loud reading this!

Colann Main
Colann Main

Omg.....thank you for a great share! I remember Adam' s first school dance! Ask him about it!!!!!

Eddie Gregs
Eddie Gregs

Hopefully you took a lot of x for that one

janiebb
janiebb

For any teacher who has chaperoned a dance...this is a work of art!! My teacher friends are going crazy over this....thank you for capturing what so few adults get a chance to see.

Bryon Ramos
Bryon Ramos

"I CANNOT STOP CRYING" Brilliant. Well done sir.

Melissa Cameron
Melissa Cameron

Truly LOL fantastic. Serrano's a keeper, Riverfront Times.

hannahjmayer
hannahjmayer

"My front teeth looked like two goddamn index cards."... I had to read so much bull shit in high school. This should be required reading for all high school students to reassure them that everyone sucks until they are 35 and can make fun of themselves. Bravo on a hilarious post.

Nicole Lynn
Nicole Lynn

Haha! So funny! Read it and then read it to my boyfriend. Good stuff!

Sarah Palombo
Sarah Palombo

Lol! "Old white teachers are definitely the best at judging the veracity of one's dougie, in case you didn't know."

mariabeaver
mariabeaver

this is some of the funniest shit I have read in...ever. Lost my shit: "4:35:02: OH MY GOD IT'S A GODDAMN DOUGIE APOCALYPSE IN HERE" 

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