I Chaperoned a Middle School Valentine's Day Dance
4:21: Boom. Prince Royce's "Stand By Me." What a save. Is that song big anywhere else, or is it strictly a Latino Middle School thing? As soon as it comes tinking out of the speakers the kids go all the way nuts.
One kid at our school actually looks quite a bit like Prince Royce. He is quite popular, of course. What a thing that must be, to just have a face that people do not want to punch when they see it. I am on the other end of that particular sliding scale.
4:27: A group of boys from the basketball team are here, all standing around lying about things they did during the season. (I coached the seventh-grade team this year.) When I was a middle-school basketball player, one game I scored, like, maybe six points and you'd have thought I was the goddamn NBA scoring champion.
What fun that was. I was so terrible. The coach would call a time out, say a whole bunch of gibberish, then send us back out there. The point guard would be like, "Hey, what'd coach say to do again?" And I'd always be like, "I don't know. I wasn't listening. Just throw the ball to me so I can shoot some three-point buckets." That's how bad I was: I used to call them "three-point buckets."
4:31: Oh, man. I'd heard that the DJ was planning on giving away door prizes, but I'd assumed it was going to be a raffle or something like that. It's not, though. IT'S A MOTHEREFFING DANCE CONTEST. This is wonderful news. She is organizing everything right now. Hold tight.
4:33: OK, got it. She's going to play that song about teaching people how to dougie ("Teach Me How To Dougie," as it were). Us teachers are to walk around and pick the six or seven best dougie-ers and send them to the front. Old white teachers are definitely the best at judging the veracity of one's dougie, in case you didn't know.
4:35: Aaaaaaand we're off...
4:35:02: OH MY GOD IT'S A GODDAMN DOUGIE APOCALYPSE IN HERE. EVERYBODY IS DOUGIEING AS THOUGH THEY WILL NEVER EVER DOUGIE AGAIN. I WISH YOU COULD SEE THIS. IT LOOKS LIKE IN WORLD WAR Z WHEN ALL OF THE ZOMBIES ARE RUNNING EXCEPT INSTEAD OF RUNNING THEY ARE ALL DOUGIEING. THIS IS THE MOST AMAZING THING I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE.
4:35:15: I wish there was a parody song where someone sang, "I'm never gonna dougie again, guilty feet have got no rhythm." :( You're messing up, Internet.
4:37: Deep breaths. We are down to the best eight dougie-ers at the dance, who are all at the front right by the DJ station. She says she's going to play the song again and they will compete against each other. This is the dougie contest for the ultra-elite. There has never been a more vicious competition.
4:40: We are about to begin. I am so nervous.
4:41: 3... 2... 1... start.
4:41:15: :') This is true beauty. This is perfect motion. This is pure energy. I can't stop crying. I cannot stop crying. :')
4:42: IT'S A TIE, IT'S A TIE. AN EIGHTH-GRADE BOY AND A SEVENTH-GRADE GIRL HAVE BATTLED TO A STANDSTILL. THEY ARE GOING TO BATTLE EACH OTHER ONE ON ONE NOW. WHERE IS MICHAEL BAY??? GET HIM HERE IMMEDIATELY.
4:44: OK, it's him versus her. We are about to start. I don't know what the prize is yet, but I hope that it's at least a billion dollars because that's what this is worth right now.
The girl is up first and is dancing to "Stanky Leg," probably the best song from the South Dallas Swag movement. I am going to throw up from nervousness. Here we go.
4:45: 3... 2... 1... start.
4:45:03: IT'S OVER, IT'S OVER!!! SHE HAS THE STANKIEST LEG OF ALL. I WISH I COULD DESCRIBE TO YOU ALL WHAT SHE DID OR ALL OF THE WAYS THAT HER BODY MOVED BUT I AM INCAPABLE. AT ONE MOMENT SHE GOT CLOSE TO HIM AND PRETENDED TO SMELL HIS BREATH AND PRETENDED IT STUNK AND THE WHOLE CROWD WENT YO-YO. THAT POOR BOY. #RIPTHATBOY
4:46: He tried to overcome her force but there was just nothing to be done. He was a tiny boy screaming at a tidal wave. Once more for posterity: #RIPTHATBOY
4:48: I don't know what else there is to do after that. I have to go home and go to sleep. This was too overwhelming. Know that America's future is in good hands, my friends.
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