New Map Shows the LEAST Popular Musicians By State

Categories: Fiesta!

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After publishing this post yesterday -- which contains a map constructed by music critic Paul Lamere, who compiled information from the popular music-streaming service Spotify to determine each state's favorite musical act -- we got to thinking, and it seems to us that a map of the least popular artists by state is of equal import.

Dutifully, we got the RFT Music Department of Scientifc Study on the case immediately.

See also: U.S. Map Displays Most Popular Musicians By State

Research technically began almost ten years ago, when a younger me first heard "Crazy Bitch" by Anaheim, California's Buckcherry on the radio and immediately jumped out of my speeding car on the highway just to make the pain stop. This experience provided a solid foundation of institutional, experiential knowledge of the matter from the outset, leading my team and I to believe we were already close.

With this hypothesis formed, we approached nearby Washington University's research department, providing them with copies of Buckcherry's Time Bomb, 15, Black Butterfly, All Night Long and the band's most recent effort, 2013's Confessions. Wash U's researchers then flew in lab mice from each of the fifty states and played the albums for them, in a controlled environment. The results were telling -- 95% of the rodents subsequently ran head-first into the walls of their own cages, rendering themselves unconscious. The remaining 5% somehow got a lot of shitty tattoos and developed a fondness for date rape, as well as a severe addiction to cocaine.

See also: Six Terrible Bands I Would Fight if I Could

Intrigued by these findings, we then decided to mail copies of the CDs to interested scientists stationed in each individual state, and headed to the post office located just down the way from RFT Music International Headquarters in the Delmar Loop. Strangely, as soon as we started getting close, the adjacent statue of Chuck Berry -- whose name serves as the basis for the spoonerism that is "Buckcherry" -- began glowing red-hot. Its scorching temperature could be felt from across the street, and the closer we got, the more volatile it became. The danger came to a terrifying head when the statue suddenly and angrily removed its bronze penis from its statue-pants and began firing lasers at us, obliterating all of the CDs we had in our hands except for Confessions. We beat a hasty retreat, but logged fastidious notes about the encounter in order to bolster our research. Soon after, we were kicked out of the post office by an angry postal worker, after being told that it is illegal to send hazardous materials through the mail.

These developments were compelling, but we needed more....

Continue to page two.

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142 comments
Robert A. West
Robert A. West

I hate Buckcherry as much as the next guy, but RFT goes way overboard with this; there are only so many pieces you can write about how much they suck.

Andrew Slate
Andrew Slate

This is a beautiful thing to see, and kind of restores some of my faith in humanity lol

Travis Morgan
Travis Morgan

This is pretty funny seeing all of the Buckcherry sympathizers. I'm disappointed to see that St. Louis.

Sade Donovan
Sade Donovan

Haha Syd these ppl at the RFT never get music right..its sad I use to get all my up to date music news from here but not over the past few years..they havent a clue and just rewrite what some other paper wrote

Syd Destructo Schlemer
Syd Destructo Schlemer

Someone at RFT lost a girlfriend to a member... I feel that is the only explanation to all the Buckcherry hate.

Dorean Grey
Dorean Grey

Can't say I woke hating Buckcherry. Justin Beiber, on the otherhand, needs to be thrown in some dark pit never to be heard or seen from again.

Lance Swisher
Lance Swisher

Haters.. That's a random band to pick hahaa. Maybe that's why it's so funny.

Julie Fiala
Julie Fiala

Funny, yesterday a float in the mardi gras parade came thru blaring Crazy Bitch, and everyone started singing along. Didn't seem like they hated it to me....

David Biernbaum
David Biernbaum

These surveys are lame because every state, including Missouri, are hard to sterotype since most states have large cities, rural, and suburban mixes, and most states have a mix of demographics. What is Missouri? Ballwin? North St. Louis? Poplar Bluff? Rolla? Joplin? Kansas City?

Trisha Dumstorff
Trisha Dumstorff

This is stupid and so incorrect!! Im losing respect for rft by the second these days

Sade Donovan
Sade Donovan

Even more stupid bep are beloved by my many..again..first it was buckcherry now bep..dont be a tool get out there and do actual research

Sade Donovan
Sade Donovan

And honestly in STL most people complain about Nickelback..but still the venues are always sold out..so yea..im not a rat in a cage ..and we the people should decide not a rodent. .

Sade Donovan
Sade Donovan

Justin beiber should be on here that little tool came to town to grant a wish..instead he went and got a tattoo...now RFT. .people here truly do not like him..

Eddie Gregs
Eddie Gregs

U2 needs to be on there as well. And Bon Jovi. Fuck those guys.

Sade Donovan
Sade Donovan

Lol..I saw a thing awhile back on here naming off the city's number one local band..umm..I am vary avid in the local scene and noone I know of ever heard of them. .the writers do not have a clue..maybe they should actually get out into the scene and see instead of looking at random polls

Rafael Gonzalez
Rafael Gonzalez

Buckcherry is terrible but creed and nickel back should be on there too.

Amber Burr
Amber Burr

I love buckcherry. This writer is stupid.

Mike Taylor
Mike Taylor

RFT never has had a clue... I saw the same thing with Creed on it yesterday in Texas.

Andrea Brooks
Andrea Brooks

I love Buckcherry.and I live in Mo. It should say rap music.

Sade Donovan
Sade Donovan

I love buckcherry..and I know their shows are always packed when in STL..seriously RFT..never gets music right..esp on the local scene u guys dont have a clue

Calvin Morgan
Calvin Morgan

Buckcherry FUCKING ROCKS!!! I will be a happy and loyal fan till the day I die. When I was in Iraq I would blast these guys almost every time I left the gate.

Tim Holley
Tim Holley

Apparently big venues like Bonnaroo and Coachella don't ring any bells.

Tim Holley
Tim Holley

Phish is pretty popular, so is Stone Sour and Rush. Either you're a moron, or you need to pull your head out of your ass. Or both. You sound like one of those butthurt hipsters that works at the Starbucks on the corner

Ian Saxton
Ian Saxton

I thought that Godsmack would show up on at least a few states.

Josh Bucher
Josh Bucher

This is getting stupider by the day.

Ben Eversmann
Ben Eversmann

Yeah the Creed one was funnier YESTERDAY, biters.

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