New Map Shows the LEAST Popular Musicians By State

Categories: Fiesta!

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After publishing this post yesterday -- which contains a map constructed by music critic Paul Lamere, who compiled information from the popular music-streaming service Spotify to determine each state's favorite musical act -- we got to thinking, and it seems to us that a map of the least popular artists by state is of equal import.

Dutifully, we got the RFT Music Department of Scientifc Study on the case immediately.

See also: U.S. Map Displays Most Popular Musicians By State

Research technically began almost ten years ago, when a younger me first heard "Crazy Bitch" by Anaheim, California's Buckcherry on the radio and immediately jumped out of my speeding car on the highway just to make the pain stop. This experience provided a solid foundation of institutional, experiential knowledge of the matter from the outset, leading my team and I to believe we were already close.

With this hypothesis formed, we approached nearby Washington University's research department, providing them with copies of Buckcherry's Time Bomb, 15, Black Butterfly, All Night Long and the band's most recent effort, 2013's Confessions. Wash U's researchers then flew in lab mice from each of the fifty states and played the albums for them, in a controlled environment. The results were telling -- 95% of the rodents subsequently ran head-first into the walls of their own cages, rendering themselves unconscious. The remaining 5% somehow got a lot of shitty tattoos and developed a fondness for date rape, as well as a severe addiction to cocaine.

See also: Six Terrible Bands I Would Fight if I Could

Intrigued by these findings, we then decided to mail copies of the CDs to interested scientists stationed in each individual state, and headed to the post office located just down the way from RFT Music International Headquarters in the Delmar Loop. Strangely, as soon as we started getting close, the adjacent statue of Chuck Berry -- whose name serves as the basis for the spoonerism that is "Buckcherry" -- began glowing red-hot. Its scorching temperature could be felt from across the street, and the closer we got, the more volatile it became. The danger came to a terrifying head when the statue suddenly and angrily removed its bronze penis from its statue-pants and began firing lasers at us, obliterating all of the CDs we had in our hands except for Confessions. We beat a hasty retreat, but logged fastidious notes about the encounter in order to bolster our research. Soon after, we were kicked out of the post office by an angry postal worker, after being told that it is illegal to send hazardous materials through the mail.

These developments were compelling, but we needed more....

Continue to page two.


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187 comments
Riverfront Times
Riverfront Times

Not true. We've looked into it. Buckcherry is, through proven science, the worst ever.

Ben Somethinorother
Ben Somethinorother

We don't like Nickelback because they legitimately suck. They've admitted they just write songs to be ear worms/candy.

Bill Hunter
Bill Hunter

seeing the music you listen too im doing just fine

Lee Hollister
Lee Hollister

Just keep that little tidbit to yourself and you'll go far in life

Matt Cox
Matt Cox

nickelback should be it. Lead singer sounds like a 60 yeared old smoker

Drew Walker
Drew Walker

You know what's older than RFT hate for a shitty band? The exact same song that shitty band has been playing for years.

Adam Fuchs
Adam Fuchs

This joke is as old as the writers for rft I don't even like buck berry find a new band to pick on like Coldplay or what ever hipster douche rock shit that is forced down ur throat now for 5 seconds

Paul Baker
Paul Baker

Yes, they are both played out and tired. They both need new material.

Paul Baker
Paul Baker

Why does this piece of s**t blog keep posting the same tired crap over and over. I've seen this same post about five times over the past 2 years. Get some new material.

Tim Horch
Tim Horch

No everyone just got sick of them on the radio with Thierry damn catchy songs

Justin Cremeans
Justin Cremeans

People say Nickleback is bad because that's the cool thing to do. There are far worse bands out there.

Brian Conley
Brian Conley

This blog and and BuckCherry have something in common. Can anyone guess?

Josh Koester
Josh Koester

Buckcherry is a good band to gauge new people you meet on. For example: "Nice to meet you. What kind of music are you into?" "Buckcherry" "Oh... I'm gonna go talk to literally anybody else at this party. Have a terrible night."

georgewhitt
georgewhitt

Who is The Shins? Maybe they misspelled THE STIFFS !

Zach Samples
Zach Samples

If this is intended as comedy, I'd much rather watch the writer die in a fire.

Brian Cave
Brian Cave

I wish I could be a music snob...

Sarah Stock
Sarah Stock

I still would listen to them over nickelback

Brian Bradley
Brian Bradley

This was a shining moment for Daniel Hill. :)

Robert A. West
Robert A. West

I hate Buckcherry as much as the next guy, but RFT goes way overboard with this; there are only so many pieces you can write about how much they suck.

Andrew Slate
Andrew Slate

This is a beautiful thing to see, and kind of restores some of my faith in humanity lol

Travis Morgan
Travis Morgan

This is pretty funny seeing all of the Buckcherry sympathizers. I'm disappointed to see that St. Louis.

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