Six Terrible Bands I Would Fight if I Could

Categories: Nitpick Six

buckcherry.jpg
Press Photo
Buckcherry, who really should be on this list six times. Especially that second guy from the left, with the sociopatch on his face.
In the most head-shaking article unleashed on the Internet in recent memory, it was revealed that rapper/necrophiliac/federal agent impersonator DMX has been in talks to fight George Zimmerman, the infamous idiot who gunned down young Trayvon Martin. Luckily for humanity and overall decency in general, the fight has been called off after an outpouring of disapproval on social media.

The whole shitshow got me thinking, though, about fighting and musicians and poor taste in general, and which musical artists I would gladly rain blows upon if given the legal chance to do so. To get into the same mindset as I, it would be best to start huffing some rubber cement, put on this Abwärts album and let your glassy eyes read over these six bands that I'd like to fight.

(Oh, and if you happen to be in one of these groups, let's set this shit up. Your move, Buckcherry.)

6. Buckcherry

Buckcherry is excrement. Just hearing the name sends my mind spinning as I picture an army of shitty dudes wearing T-shirts under sport jackets, snorting cocaine and high-fiving their greasy-haired friends while "Lit Up" plays in the background.

As I grit my teeth, I imagine another scene where some dude with Sailor Jerry tattoos enters a "dive bar" where they sell $6 PBR tall boys, posting up in the corner with arms folded and eyes lowered. He makes gives a casual glance at some woman whose favorite movie is Coyote Ugly, and after a quick wink, he walks over to the jukebox and plays "Crazy Bitch." The woman nods and then they embrace, falling on top of a pool table as the balls fly everywhere. Then they have sex and create 100 other bands from California that sound exactly like Buckcherry, proud of themselves for "livin' the wild life."

Requiring an outlet for my pure hate, I recently took matters into my own hands and began Tweeting my disgust to this band. While I have yet to receive a response from the members of Buckcherry, a few of the group's fans have taken up the noble and intellectual cause of accusing me of being gay. Because you know, only some horrible gay man would reject the unbridled, pure, masculine rock & roll nature of Los Angeles' elite renegades Buckcherry.

The Fight: Mike Tyson once tried to bribe a zoo attendant to let him into a gorilla cage so he could fight one of the gorillas who was bullying the others. I'm not sure which of us would be the gorilla is and which would be Tyson, but the fight would resemble something like that.

5. Hinder

In a 2008 interview, Hinder frontman Austin Winkler claims he became an expert on making authentic rock because he read a book by a guy in Motley Crue. The tattooed doofus who sang the radio-wreck "Lips of an Angel" goes on to talk about how bands don't push limits, which is funny coming from a guy whose band is as dangerous as mint ice cream.

The Fight: Austin recently entered rehab. While none of us will ever recover from how horrible Hinder is, I have respect for anyone who is willing to admit they have a problem and confront it. Fittingly, I would drink a ton of tequila and probably let the entire band beat me up in the same way you let your friend's son always win at Mario Kart.


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81 comments
sithjedi
sithjedi

Mellencamp should be removed, and Nickelback should be in the top spot.

Crit
Crit

Even though I love almost all of your other articles, this one is seriously flawed. First of all you chose all pussy bands that would be easy to fight. Secondly Jet, John Cougar Mellencamp, Lit, and Third Eye Blind rule and have done nothing wrong (Well Jet sucks but they seem liked okay dudes). I think this list would have been better if you had chosen one band, Biohazard. Because they got the poo on Joe Dirt in that iconic film about his life. 

Additionally Buck Cherry sucks but crazy bitch is a sick song you gotta admit it. Anyone who wrote that song has got to be pretty cool

Still love you though Drew

Jorge Rodriguez Rodriguez Ruxin
Jorge Rodriguez Rodriguez Ruxin

That's right Charlie...I'M the troll. You keep telling yourself that if it makes you feel better. You dickbump, douchecanoe.

Zseth Laveynhorn
Zseth Laveynhorn

justin bieber rules, he would ultrakill you with one finger you bigoted creep

Jorge Rodriguez Rodriguez Ruxin
Jorge Rodriguez Rodriguez Ruxin

Drew Ailes is a dickbump, hipster douchecanoe and would get stomped by all bands in existence...especially Justin Bieber....cause after all drew is a belieber.

Jenny Sandifer
Jenny Sandifer

OMG Nickelback SO needs to be on this list! Though, I agree all of the bands listed suck...

Joe Copley
Joe Copley

So Nickelback walks into a bar... There is no punchline because making terrible music isn't funny.

Drew Walker
Drew Walker

Man, I feel so bad for the RFT writers. They just put an opinion piece out there, and because they don't like 1 band that open for Breaking Benjamin 7 years ago, all the sudden they have no talent. Maybe it's the band that's been writing in the same key for 3 albums that doesn't have any talent.

Drew Walker
Drew Walker

All ten Buck Cherry fans are out, and they are angry.

Robert A. West
Robert A. West

Oh hey look everyone, RFT is drudging up articles from 2006.

Big Damn Heroes
Big Damn Heroes

Could we pit them against each other in a sort of Hunger Games style deathmatch?

Nate Capps
Nate Capps

This is awesome. I love the reaction from people. Like you weren't expecting tons of hate. Troll on...

Ryan Rick
Ryan Rick

RFT has some extremely jaded writers. I haven't seen a single music article from you guys that wasn't written by someone with a superiority complex.

Allyssa Bodily
Allyssa Bodily

this writer has no musical experience. he obviously is very one way when it comes to music and bashes artist that he doesn't lik and clearly has never bought an album from any of these artist. this article is based on old popular radio hits and has no regard for what the artist vision is. I could give you 100 bands I dislike from radio hits but unless you listen to other songs by that artist you have no right to bash them. please stop writing misinformed articles basedoff your homeschool mixtape sincerely, everyone who appreciatea music :)

Jessica Rynders
Jessica Rynders

Can't lie, I agree with the list with the exception of the self titled Third Eye Blind album. It's a good.

Alirox
Alirox

Who's that  "You don't want yer waisins to turn into gwapes" little girl from the AT&T commercials? I'd fight her.

Stephen Siemaszkiewicz
Stephen Siemaszkiewicz

Have to say this is a let down..usually enjoy your articles, this is tripe... Way worse bands in the world.

Patrick Elder
Patrick Elder

Failed attempt at "journalism." Tell us, which bands would you sleep with, rather than fight? Perhaps it would offer us an opportunity to dislike RFT even more.

Lee Montgomery
Lee Montgomery

The List Is BS!!! Lit Is An Awesome Band And Puts On A Great Live Show!!! Their New Album Is One Of The Best Albums I Have Heard In A Long Time!!! Plus Ajay Popoff Would Beat The Hell Out Of The Writer Of This Horrible Article!!!

Courtny Munger
Courtny Munger

all of his bands are "rock" on this list...he is so biased it was boring to read...Miley Cyrus anyone?

Brian Bacchus
Brian Bacchus

Interestng that a Vengaboys music video came up as a suggested link under this post.

Lisa Ogilvy
Lisa Ogilvy

Nickelback and Creed should be at the top of this list.

Jorge Rodriguez Rodriguez Ruxin
Jorge Rodriguez Rodriguez Ruxin

Drew Ailes wrote of bands he would fight...if he could and along the way in this must pathetic of diatribes he mentioned that he would rather inject PCP into his eyeballs than listen to said bands, forgot which one cause I don't listen to what idiotic hipsters have to say in the first place, but if ever you decide to do that, I would gladly offer my services to you and jab it in your eye like the scene in pulp fiction. I hate hipsters and all they stand for...which is unimportant in must rational peoples eyes, I will miss the riverfront times as I have read it religiously since the late 80's, but if your first is to hire and cater to these fuckin wastes of life, like EYEBALL PCP BOY...then...I am finished.

Amy Petty
Amy Petty

Creed? Phish? Goo goo dolls? Gin blossoms?

Matt Ragsdale
Matt Ragsdale

You chose jet over nickelback? Jet's first album was actually a pretty good nod to a bygone era, that being the one with cool seventies rock in it. Albeit they haven't broken any ground with their stuff, but its way better than some other terrible bands out there e.g. creed, and limp bizkit to name just a couple. At least they're listenable

Douglas Schulte
Douglas Schulte

How about we set up any of these bands to actually fight Drew Ailes? Also, I'm pretty sure he is the same guy that fronts the "punk" bad Brain Tumors....now there is a band I would like to fight!

Syd Destructo Schlemer
Syd Destructo Schlemer

Buckcherry is a great band and the members are my family. Articles like this give me no hope for journalism. This writer sounds like a 13 year old kid with an unhealthy and unmedicated emotional issue behind a keyboard.

thelphq
thelphq

@lorddvirgil, is this what you call "rock and roll"?

Do you consider Sum 41 and Good Charlotte to be "punk"?

andrewrobertailes
andrewrobertailes topcommenter

Check your Crohn's fundraiser page for the list, Patrick.

thelphq
thelphq

I take it "Lee" is a girls name?

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