Six Terrible Bands I Would Fight if I Could

Categories: Nitpick Six

2. Third Eye Blind

Just like Supertramp is invariably the answer to the question "I love this song; who does it?" when the classic-rock station is on, Third Eye Blind is the answer to "What the hell is this watery diarrhea?" on the alternative-rock station.

The Fight: To ensure the band could never escape and terrorize the world with its sappy waste again, I would perform a Tombstone Piledriver a la the Undertaker and imprison the entire band in a coffin, just like what happened to the Ultimate Warrior. Only these guys would stay there.

1. John Mellencamp

When I hear one of his trite denim-shirt, gritty-voiced tales of total horse crap, I want to inject PCP into my eyeballs. I don't know if it's the hair, denim shirts or that Mellencamp's idea of making rock music means writing songs that sound like they're solely created for the purposes of being used in truck commercials, but something about this sonic abortion of a man makes me blind with rage. And because I can't quite articulate what it is that infuriates me about his music, we have no choice but to communicate using the primal language of cavemen: violence. All of this is your fault, Mellencamp -- remember these words.

The Fight: Full of genuine anger but ultimately useless -- I'm too depressed and pessimistic to think I can punch my way toward meaningful change, and he's too wealthy and famous to do anything different. Besides, I've got a bad back, so really, I'm not fighting anyone. Turns out I'm not really very good at it anyway.

Follow Drew Ailes on Twitter at @CountBakula

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81 comments
sithjedi
sithjedi

Mellencamp should be removed, and Nickelback should be in the top spot.

Crit
Crit

Even though I love almost all of your other articles, this one is seriously flawed. First of all you chose all pussy bands that would be easy to fight. Secondly Jet, John Cougar Mellencamp, Lit, and Third Eye Blind rule and have done nothing wrong (Well Jet sucks but they seem liked okay dudes). I think this list would have been better if you had chosen one band, Biohazard. Because they got the poo on Joe Dirt in that iconic film about his life. 

Additionally Buck Cherry sucks but crazy bitch is a sick song you gotta admit it. Anyone who wrote that song has got to be pretty cool

Still love you though Drew

Jorge Rodriguez Rodriguez Ruxin
Jorge Rodriguez Rodriguez Ruxin

That's right Charlie...I'M the troll. You keep telling yourself that if it makes you feel better. You dickbump, douchecanoe.

Zseth Laveynhorn
Zseth Laveynhorn

justin bieber rules, he would ultrakill you with one finger you bigoted creep

Jorge Rodriguez Rodriguez Ruxin
Jorge Rodriguez Rodriguez Ruxin

Drew Ailes is a dickbump, hipster douchecanoe and would get stomped by all bands in existence...especially Justin Bieber....cause after all drew is a belieber.

Jenny Sandifer
Jenny Sandifer

OMG Nickelback SO needs to be on this list! Though, I agree all of the bands listed suck...

Joe Copley
Joe Copley

So Nickelback walks into a bar... There is no punchline because making terrible music isn't funny.

Drew Walker
Drew Walker

Man, I feel so bad for the RFT writers. They just put an opinion piece out there, and because they don't like 1 band that open for Breaking Benjamin 7 years ago, all the sudden they have no talent. Maybe it's the band that's been writing in the same key for 3 albums that doesn't have any talent.

Drew Walker
Drew Walker

All ten Buck Cherry fans are out, and they are angry.

Robert A. West
Robert A. West

Oh hey look everyone, RFT is drudging up articles from 2006.

Big Damn Heroes
Big Damn Heroes

Could we pit them against each other in a sort of Hunger Games style deathmatch?

Nate Capps
Nate Capps

This is awesome. I love the reaction from people. Like you weren't expecting tons of hate. Troll on...

Ryan Rick
Ryan Rick

RFT has some extremely jaded writers. I haven't seen a single music article from you guys that wasn't written by someone with a superiority complex.

Allyssa Bodily
Allyssa Bodily

this writer has no musical experience. he obviously is very one way when it comes to music and bashes artist that he doesn't lik and clearly has never bought an album from any of these artist. this article is based on old popular radio hits and has no regard for what the artist vision is. I could give you 100 bands I dislike from radio hits but unless you listen to other songs by that artist you have no right to bash them. please stop writing misinformed articles basedoff your homeschool mixtape sincerely, everyone who appreciatea music :)

Jessica Rynders
Jessica Rynders

Can't lie, I agree with the list with the exception of the self titled Third Eye Blind album. It's a good.

Alirox
Alirox

Who's that  "You don't want yer waisins to turn into gwapes" little girl from the AT&T commercials? I'd fight her.

Stephen Siemaszkiewicz
Stephen Siemaszkiewicz

Have to say this is a let down..usually enjoy your articles, this is tripe... Way worse bands in the world.

Patrick Elder
Patrick Elder

Failed attempt at "journalism." Tell us, which bands would you sleep with, rather than fight? Perhaps it would offer us an opportunity to dislike RFT even more.

Lee Montgomery
Lee Montgomery

The List Is BS!!! Lit Is An Awesome Band And Puts On A Great Live Show!!! Their New Album Is One Of The Best Albums I Have Heard In A Long Time!!! Plus Ajay Popoff Would Beat The Hell Out Of The Writer Of This Horrible Article!!!

Courtny Munger
Courtny Munger

all of his bands are "rock" on this list...he is so biased it was boring to read...Miley Cyrus anyone?

Brian Bacchus
Brian Bacchus

Interestng that a Vengaboys music video came up as a suggested link under this post.

Lisa Ogilvy
Lisa Ogilvy

Nickelback and Creed should be at the top of this list.

Jorge Rodriguez Rodriguez Ruxin
Jorge Rodriguez Rodriguez Ruxin

Drew Ailes wrote of bands he would fight...if he could and along the way in this must pathetic of diatribes he mentioned that he would rather inject PCP into his eyeballs than listen to said bands, forgot which one cause I don't listen to what idiotic hipsters have to say in the first place, but if ever you decide to do that, I would gladly offer my services to you and jab it in your eye like the scene in pulp fiction. I hate hipsters and all they stand for...which is unimportant in must rational peoples eyes, I will miss the riverfront times as I have read it religiously since the late 80's, but if your first is to hire and cater to these fuckin wastes of life, like EYEBALL PCP BOY...then...I am finished.

Amy Petty
Amy Petty

Creed? Phish? Goo goo dolls? Gin blossoms?

Matt Ragsdale
Matt Ragsdale

You chose jet over nickelback? Jet's first album was actually a pretty good nod to a bygone era, that being the one with cool seventies rock in it. Albeit they haven't broken any ground with their stuff, but its way better than some other terrible bands out there e.g. creed, and limp bizkit to name just a couple. At least they're listenable

Douglas Schulte
Douglas Schulte

How about we set up any of these bands to actually fight Drew Ailes? Also, I'm pretty sure he is the same guy that fronts the "punk" bad Brain Tumors....now there is a band I would like to fight!

Syd Destructo Schlemer
Syd Destructo Schlemer

Buckcherry is a great band and the members are my family. Articles like this give me no hope for journalism. This writer sounds like a 13 year old kid with an unhealthy and unmedicated emotional issue behind a keyboard.

thelphq
thelphq

@lorddvirgil, is this what you call "rock and roll"?

Do you consider Sum 41 and Good Charlotte to be "punk"?

andrewrobertailes
andrewrobertailes topcommenter

Check your Crohn's fundraiser page for the list, Patrick.

thelphq
thelphq

I take it "Lee" is a girls name?

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