Six Terrible Bands I Would Fight if I Could

Categories: Nitpick Six

2. Third Eye Blind

Just like Supertramp is invariably the answer to the question "I love this song; who does it?" when the classic-rock station is on, Third Eye Blind is the answer to "What the hell is this watery diarrhea?" on the alternative-rock station.

The Fight: To ensure the band could never escape and terrorize the world with its sappy waste again, I would perform a Tombstone Piledriver a la the Undertaker and imprison the entire band in a coffin, just like what happened to the Ultimate Warrior. Only these guys would stay there.

1. John Mellencamp

When I hear one of his trite denim-shirt, gritty-voiced tales of total horse crap, I want to inject PCP into my eyeballs. I don't know if it's the hair, denim shirts or that Mellencamp's idea of making rock music means writing songs that sound like they're solely created for the purposes of being used in truck commercials, but something about this sonic abortion of a man makes me blind with rage. And because I can't quite articulate what it is that infuriates me about his music, we have no choice but to communicate using the primal language of cavemen: violence. All of this is your fault, Mellencamp -- remember these words.

The Fight: Full of genuine anger but ultimately useless -- I'm too depressed and pessimistic to think I can punch my way toward meaningful change, and he's too wealthy and famous to do anything different. Besides, I've got a bad back, so really, I'm not fighting anyone. Turns out I'm not really very good at it anyway.

Follow Drew Ailes on Twitter at @CountBakula

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