Here Are the Songs They Play At a Kid's Skating Rink Birthday Party
4:29: One Republic's "Counting Stars." I want to hate this, but two little girls know some of the words and are singing it. That's pretty adorable. I wish I had a daughter. Not too long ago I was changing Boy C's diaper and a AA battery fell out. I don't know how it got in there or what he was planning to do with it, but it tumbled out onto the floor. Hand to God, maybe twenty seconds later one of the six-year-olds came wandering downstairs, saw it sitting on the floor (where I left it while tossing the diaper), bent down, picked it up, then popped it INTO HIS MOUTH. I really wish I had a daughter.
4:35: Most kids here are pretty terrible at skating, but one boy is kind of good at it, strutting around and stunting on everyone. I might have to check this hoe into a side rail soon if he doesn't chill out.
4:40: Lorde's "Royals." It's like the DJ is walking down the Top 100 chart.
4:40:15: Ay, but "Royals" is good to skate to. The little skating boy is killing it to this song, dipping his shoulders on beat and stuff. Respect.
Son: Daddy, why aren't you skating?
Me: Because I skate so fast that one time I reversed the rotation of the Earth.
Son: Oh! Is that bad!?
Me: Yeah. REAL bad. Everyone would probably die.
Son: Oh! OK! You better stay sitting here then, Daddy!
Kids ain't that smart. Spy Kids was a total lie.
4:51: At every birthday party, a group of sad dads is standing in a circle talking at each other about nothing. When I very first started going to kid birthday parties, it was like how in the movies where some young guy is talking to a Vietnam vet, except all these vets have on jean shorts and tuck their sunglasses into the back of the collar of their shirts. Sad dads are the worst. Never go there, never be that.
5:01: OHHHHH FUUUUUU THE DJ IS PLAYING "MY HITTA" HAHAHAHAHA THIS IS THE BEST PARTY I HAVE EVER BEEN TO HAVE YOU EVER WATCHED SIX-YEAR-OLDS ROLLER SKATE TO "MY HITTA" THERE'S NOTHING BETTER
5:11: OMG NOW HE'S PLAYING "HAPPY" BY PHARRELL OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG
5:11:15: For real, I listened to "Happy" like 30 times in a row after watching Pharrell's mega-hat at the Grammys. What a great hat that was. I wonder what was in there? My best wish was that underneath it was a slightly smaller hat, and underneath that one was a smaller one still, and they just kept getting smaller and smaller and smaller. Then, like 40 hats later, you reach the last one and it's the size of a thimble. Oh, man. Pharrell is the very best.
5:18: Ewww. Avicii. That's a weird-looking bro right there. He looks like how those cat mutants looked in Stephen King's Sleepwalkers.
5:18:15: I hope this party ends soon. I'm not certain how much longer I can watch two of the three men tasked with carrying the Serrano name forward into greatness weeble-wobble around this rink all teary-eyed while tiny girls blow past them. This is worse than the first time they played soccer and the opposing team scored a goal on Boy A, who broke down and started both crying and doing the robot dance*.
*This is my favorite sports-related breakdown of all-time, by the way. More people should cry while doing the robot.
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