Here Are the Songs They Play At a Kid's Skating Rink Birthday Party

Categories: Serrano Time


5:21: OK, we're getting close because they're playing the chicken-dance song. Is that a universal thing, or is that just a Texas thing like H-E-B? Real question.

5:30: Malibooyah. Last call for the birthday party was just made. Everyone is gathering into the concession-stand area for cake, which means its time to pretend like I've been into this party the whole time. I don't like to brag, but nobody works a room like Shea Serrano when cake is on the line. NOBODY.

Here's a thing that dads do at parties: At least for a few minutes, they'll pretend to be suuuuuper-into playing with their kids, and make sure all the other parents can hear it happening. Then they finish and look around like, "Cheer for me and my parenting, for it is righteous and thoughtful and egalitarian." Gross.

True story: We were at the park once. My wife set the whole thing up. She always does. She planned activities and packed lunches, snacks and drinks. She brought the bug spray, loaded the bikes in the car, and had sanitary wipes and even sunglasses for everyone if we wanted them. She even made sure to pick a park with all the stuff the boys like to play on, which added an extra ten minutes or so to her drive. We got there and the boys and I just abandoned her. She unloaded everything, got it all set up and made sure everybody had a good time. It was great. I took a picture of one of the boys on a swing and made a joke about him using it wrong and posted it on Facebook, and everyone was like, "Oh my God, you are THE BEST dad."

I took the boys to Kroger once and a lady literally stopped me and said, "I just really love to see great dads like you with their sons." This was like 30 seconds after I almost let one of them get run over in the parking lot because I was checking my Twitter mentions.

It must suck so bad to be a mom.

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