Legal and Binding: Funeral Essentials for a Famous Music Critic

Categories: Serrano Time

6. There will be a 25-minute fellowship, during which time UGK's "One Day" will be played on repeat. Nobody is allowed to talk, save rapping the words to the song. Please do not attend if you don't know the words. (I'd recommend printing them out right now and then carrying them in your wallet/purse.)

7. One of my three sons will deliver the eulogy. If Boy A gives the speech, he will do so in the same voice and speech pattern as Juvenile in "Ha." If Boy B does it, he will mimic Future's vocals in "Karate Chop." And if Boy C does it, he'll do his like Slick Rick in "A Children's Story."

8. DMX will be there to perform the opening prayer, from the prayer skit from It's Dark And Hell Is Hot. If he wants, he can also sing "Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer." I must've watched that video of him doing that, like, 200 times.

9. I will headline my own funeral, which means there should be several smaller, less important funerals before mine. These will be preceded by a two-song set from Ja Rule, consisting of "Holla, Holla" and his verse from "Can I Get A." After that, escort him out of the building. If he asks for payment, give him the copy of R.U.L.E. that I bought in college and tell him, "Shea says 'Thanks for nothing, Ja.'"

10. Everyone should already be seated before they bring my casket in. When the pallbearers wheel me in, the girls from ODB's "Got Your Money" video will walk alongside it singing the song's hook, but instead of singing, "Hey, Dirty, baby I got your money," they will sing, "Hey, Jesus, baby I got your body."

11. Everyone who comes gets an "RIP Selena" T-shirt.

I think that's it.

Thank you.

Legal and binding.

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