Six Reasons People Want to Have Sex with Musicians

Categories: Nitpick Six

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Press Photo
Tom Petty's skin looks like a fondue pot was poured over a haunted-house prop. If not for music, he'd be a very lonely man.
Recently, Business Insider published the results of a study that purports to prove why women want to enter the bone zone with musicians. The article summarizes research from the University of Sussex, and there are a few glaring omissions that make it useless to the general population. Aside from basically stating that it's "some sort of biological thing," the article fails to take into account some of the obvious reasons why creative individuals and other attention vacuums are attractive as short-term sex partners.

The study also sucks because it leaves dudes completely out of the equation. Maybe its authors think it's a given that guys want to screw anyone who's marginally cool or interesting. (Or horrible and boring.)

Lucky for you there are experts out here who are willing to explore these issues and state the hard-hitting facts without consulting nerdy, wallflower scientists. Below, we bless you with six reasons why all people are programmed to lust over musicians.

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Look at this guy. He looks like a desperate trophy wife trying to seduce you with a Jacuzzi and blackberry brandy. And yet, the ladies still love him.

6. Musicians Will Have Sex With You

We all do a lot of pretty dumb things for attention, locked as we are in the eternal struggle to think well of ourselves. So alas, there are plenty of people who use being an artist as an accessory, in the same way you might see greasy, insecure bags of shit speeding down residential neighborhood streets in their $40,000 cars. Many musicians bleed and ooze this same insecurity in every self-absorbed interaction.

That, my friends, means they will probably have sex with you. They're easy targets.

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Buzz from the Melvins once called Ozzy a buck-toothed mummy, and he wasn't wrong. And yet still, Ozzy has had sex at least enough times to produce two horrible children.

5. People Are Impressed By Things They Can't Do

There's this mind-numbingly simple concept that the entire world seems mystified by: If you want to do something, you have to try to do it. But because people are so reluctant to embrace their fear of failure or looking stupid, most people do nothing themselves. Instead, they idolize and impart some sort of magical values on people who do the things they wish they were doing.

Example: According to 2013 figures from the National Institute of Mental Health, 5.3 million people report a having a social phobia. A miserable, marginally talented jobber stands up on a stage and displays something personal, transforming him into a demigod as powerful as Gozer the Gozerian for millions of people. Only instead of destroying the world, he gets laid sometimes.


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44 comments
Jay Rodenhofer Bearden
Jay Rodenhofer Bearden

do not want to have sex with him but truly love this man. He's amazingly talented and can still rock with the best of them.

Sarah Jones
Sarah Jones

Tom Petty is hot. With or without guitar. This writer guy sounds like a nerd.

Sarah Jones
Sarah Jones

Nobody wants to have sex with the guy from BuckCherry.

LadyRae
LadyRae

There was a study done in 2005 that measured brain activity of men and women, when listening to another person speaking.  The area of the brain that processes language and speech was activated in women when either a man or a woman was speaking.  In men, however, that area was activated ONLY when another man was speaking.  When women were speaking the men's brains registered it in the right side of the brain, the part that responds to music.  From this we can conclude that men will always think women are irrational, no matter what we say, because they "hear" us on the wrong side of the brain.  And, of course, for me,, this explained why women, at least, love musicians.  I have to admit, musicians are my preferred first choice for lovers, and always have been, even before I read that study.

Steve Horak
Steve Horak

There is some truth to this. Dawn Abbott even named her only son after the guy. ;-)

Ashly Bratchie
Ashly Bratchie

This is so true . And I spent a good chunk of my teen years trying. And got pretty close...

Tessa Smith
Tessa Smith

I love artists of all sorts, creative minds are sexy to me. But no more musicians for me, keeps me out of the Gyno. :-O office and I rather like that.

Bob Scott
Bob Scott

This study was done at the University of Sussex. Try searching on "sexy musicians from Sussex". All you get is a couple of off-color (or possibly colour) limericks, and an ad seeking a bass player for a Sex-Pistols cover band. Not much of a sample group.

Tom Chiappisi
Tom Chiappisi

No Stevie. I wont have sex with you... Annie might.. But you would have ask her yourself... Im not doing it for you.

Norm Manis
Norm Manis

Whores bang musicians. What woman who respects herself would sleep with men that sleep with nasty groupies??????? None! Only whores!

Richard Messum
Richard Messum

Taylor Momsen can have me -- but not for any of these reasons ;-)

Sharon Walker
Sharon Walker

I am drawn to musicians because they use a part of their brain that is dormant in most people. Has got nothing to do with sex. People are capable of thinking of other things.

Ali Witcher
Ali Witcher

It's pretty likely I'd read anything Drew Ailes writes only to laugh while nodding and say "You know, yeeeeeah." Funny truths.

Bambi Zj Baker
Bambi Zj Baker

Well they hold guitars like large phallic devices...and the base drum is in between drummers legs. So yeah there's that

drewallesisadouche
drewallesisadouche

Your a fucking idiot dude. You have a real jealousy problem sounds like someone left you for a musician.


jchez52
jchez52

@RiverfrontTimes Yeah, but You Don't Know How It Feels to be Back In The Saddle with those boys... Hilarious might be an overstatement.

jchez52
jchez52

@RiverfrontTimes It's like you read my mind with the first 2 pictures in the story. Petty and Tyler are my, uh, rock gods, if you will.

RiverfrontTimes
RiverfrontTimes

@jchez52 They put the Sweet Emotion into your Great Wide Open, eh? Get it? Get it? Shhh. We're hilarious.

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