Six Reasons People Want to Have Sex with Musicians

Categories: Nitpick Six

Wayne_Coyne_outside_Wal-Mart.jpg
Morgan Tepsic
File under "old, racist Russell Brand."

2. Self-Promotion

Just as some people chase music journalists with the idea that their band is going to achieve some sort of elevated status because of an article, there are people who chase hometown heroes with the idea of advancing their clothing line, poetry or even worse: their own musical endeavors. These people are cultural cockroaches, scattered across dirty, yellowed floors, nibbling minor crumbs before making their way to the upper echelons -- the cupboards of culture, where they feast upon your name-brand cereals and local darlings. Then they get to talk about it and remind you of their perceived value as they corner you near the bathroom of a bar, neurotically swirling their drink as they stretch their gross little lips, babbling forever.

These are among the worst people on the planet; be wary of them.

Mick_Jagger_.jpg
Miss-Sophie
Remember, this man is an international sex symbol. There is only one explanation for that.

1. For Free Stuff

Maybe people want free Hello Kitty PalmPilots or beer or drugs or something. I don't know, but that sounds about right. People are pretty dumb.

Truth be told, I actually don't want to have adult relations with many musicians (aside from maybe Fiona Apple and members of Girlschool), so this is a bunch of speculative hogwash. Why would anyone want to give their precious nether parts to such shallow and transparent people? After all, 99 percent of those making any sort of art are horrible at it, so you should probably be ashamed of swinging your hips toward anything less than the next Freddie Mercury.

But you shouldn't waste your time with them, either. If an artist is sincerely gifted, he'll probably just cheat on you with one of the other thousands of people who adore him. Duh.

Follow Drew Ailes on Twitter at @CountBakula.

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