Six Reasons People Want to Have Sex with Musicians

Categories: Nitpick Six

Wayne_Coyne_outside_Wal-Mart.jpg
Morgan Tepsic
File under "old, racist Russell Brand."

2. Self-Promotion

Just as some people chase music journalists with the idea that their band is going to achieve some sort of elevated status because of an article, there are people who chase hometown heroes with the idea of advancing their clothing line, poetry or even worse: their own musical endeavors. These people are cultural cockroaches, scattered across dirty, yellowed floors, nibbling minor crumbs before making their way to the upper echelons -- the cupboards of culture, where they feast upon your name-brand cereals and local darlings. Then they get to talk about it and remind you of their perceived value as they corner you near the bathroom of a bar, neurotically swirling their drink as they stretch their gross little lips, babbling forever.

These are among the worst people on the planet; be wary of them.

Mick_Jagger_.jpg
Miss-Sophie
Remember, this man is an international sex symbol. There is only one explanation for that.

1. For Free Stuff

Maybe people want free Hello Kitty PalmPilots or beer or drugs or something. I don't know, but that sounds about right. People are pretty dumb.

Truth be told, I actually don't want to have adult relations with many musicians (aside from maybe Fiona Apple and members of Girlschool), so this is a bunch of speculative hogwash. Why would anyone want to give their precious nether parts to such shallow and transparent people? After all, 99 percent of those making any sort of art are horrible at it, so you should probably be ashamed of swinging your hips toward anything less than the next Freddie Mercury.

But you shouldn't waste your time with them, either. If an artist is sincerely gifted, he'll probably just cheat on you with one of the other thousands of people who adore him. Duh.

Follow Drew Ailes on Twitter at @CountBakula.

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44 comments
Jay Rodenhofer Bearden
Jay Rodenhofer Bearden

do not want to have sex with him but truly love this man. He's amazingly talented and can still rock with the best of them.

Sarah Jones
Sarah Jones

Tom Petty is hot. With or without guitar. This writer guy sounds like a nerd.

Sarah Jones
Sarah Jones

Nobody wants to have sex with the guy from BuckCherry.

LadyRae
LadyRae

There was a study done in 2005 that measured brain activity of men and women, when listening to another person speaking.  The area of the brain that processes language and speech was activated in women when either a man or a woman was speaking.  In men, however, that area was activated ONLY when another man was speaking.  When women were speaking the men's brains registered it in the right side of the brain, the part that responds to music.  From this we can conclude that men will always think women are irrational, no matter what we say, because they "hear" us on the wrong side of the brain.  And, of course, for me,, this explained why women, at least, love musicians.  I have to admit, musicians are my preferred first choice for lovers, and always have been, even before I read that study.

Steve Horak
Steve Horak

There is some truth to this. Dawn Abbott even named her only son after the guy. ;-)

Ashly Bratchie
Ashly Bratchie

This is so true . And I spent a good chunk of my teen years trying. And got pretty close...

Tessa Smith
Tessa Smith

I love artists of all sorts, creative minds are sexy to me. But no more musicians for me, keeps me out of the Gyno. :-O office and I rather like that.

Bob Scott
Bob Scott

This study was done at the University of Sussex. Try searching on "sexy musicians from Sussex". All you get is a couple of off-color (or possibly colour) limericks, and an ad seeking a bass player for a Sex-Pistols cover band. Not much of a sample group.

Tom Chiappisi
Tom Chiappisi

No Stevie. I wont have sex with you... Annie might.. But you would have ask her yourself... Im not doing it for you.

Norm Manis
Norm Manis

Whores bang musicians. What woman who respects herself would sleep with men that sleep with nasty groupies??????? None! Only whores!

Richard Messum
Richard Messum

Taylor Momsen can have me -- but not for any of these reasons ;-)

Sharon Walker
Sharon Walker

I am drawn to musicians because they use a part of their brain that is dormant in most people. Has got nothing to do with sex. People are capable of thinking of other things.

Ali Witcher
Ali Witcher

It's pretty likely I'd read anything Drew Ailes writes only to laugh while nodding and say "You know, yeeeeeah." Funny truths.

Bambi Zj Baker
Bambi Zj Baker

Well they hold guitars like large phallic devices...and the base drum is in between drummers legs. So yeah there's that

drewallesisadouche
drewallesisadouche

Your a fucking idiot dude. You have a real jealousy problem sounds like someone left you for a musician.


jchez52
jchez52

@RiverfrontTimes Yeah, but You Don't Know How It Feels to be Back In The Saddle with those boys... Hilarious might be an overstatement.

jchez52
jchez52

@RiverfrontTimes It's like you read my mind with the first 2 pictures in the story. Petty and Tyler are my, uh, rock gods, if you will.

RiverfrontTimes
RiverfrontTimes

@jchez52 They put the Sweet Emotion into your Great Wide Open, eh? Get it? Get it? Shhh. We're hilarious.

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