Six Ways for Degenerates to Celebrate the 4th of July
3. Show Your True Freedom, Get Arrested In Public
Hell yeah, America -- land of the free and the home of the brave! Love it or leave it! Don't tread on me! Freedom ain't free! United we stand, divided we fall! These colors don't run! Yes we can! Wake up, sheeple! Git R Dun! The greatest and most free nation on the planet - just don't drink a beer while walking down the street or while quietly sitting on a park bench. That's only for those high-tax paying slaves in Europe. This Independence Day, get pissed off, get a beer, and get arrested in public while screaming about your freedom. The cost of the ticket is worth the irony.
2. Leave to Canada
If you're truly flying the freak flag on a regular basis, you're probably not too pleased with this country anyway. This aggression will not stand, man. There's no better time to plan a trip to the land of Tim Hortons and Five Alive vending machines. As an added bonus, enjoy the scoffs of disgust emitted by your conservative family members and co-workers when they ask you what you did for the holiday.
1. Sit With a Dog and Curse the World
There is no worse time on the planet for a dog than the 4th of July. If the swarming crowds of screaming drunks don't bother your pooch, then the sound of mysterious exploding bullshit every ten seconds certainly will. Remember -- although dogs are cool, they're not that smart and they don't speak human language. As far as they can figure, World War III has erupted and it's just them and your dumbass left to roam the wastelands in search of irradiated meat. There's that saying: if you can't beat 'em, join 'em - but whoever made that quote up obviously didn't have a nice dog to hang out with alone. On the 4th of July, join man's best friend in the perplexed loathing of the wanton debauchery and screeching noises of the intoxicated masses.
Follow Drew Ailes on Twitter @CountBakula.
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