Ten Reasons Juggalos Are Better Than You

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Life sucks. There is a multitude of reasons why, and no one has come to terms with this inescapable truth better than juggalos. Zen masters of nihilism and partying, they have become unquestionable experts at finding creative ways to cope with the unrelenting pain of reality.

Behind the fun-at-any-cost, consequences-be-damned attitude of these clown-painted fiends lies a cache of truly virtuous and respectable traits. You might be unable to comprehend that people who seem so strange might have something profound to teach you, so we've put together this list, outlining just what it is that makes juggalos better than everyone else.

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10. Juggalos Are Direct
Juggalos look you in the eyes when they talk to you. After accidentally brushing up against your oversized backpack while somersaulting away in a hurry, they'll still find the time to stop to earnestly apologize. And if a juggalo is angry at you, he or she will let you know it right away -- probably in the form of a loud chant about how "You fucked up."

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9. Juggalos Are Reckless but Miraculously Competent
You should never fire off a Roman candle in the middle of a crowd. Unless, of course, you've already done it twenty times that night without a single error. One of the more incredible things about going to the Gathering of the Juggalos is the number of times that you stare directly into the face of danger and shrug your shoulders, because, "shit, no one else here seems to be dead yet."

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8. Juggalos Are Generous
These are the sort of people that walk around with giant bottles of vodka, yelling into the sky as they offer free shots to everyone they pass. They hand you food that they're bored of eating. They show you their boobs if you just ask, and randomly give you a dollar to buy a bottle of water if you are thirsty. If you smell weed, you can ask for a hit without hesitation. Or if you happen to find yourself passing out on a grassy field after taking unexpectedly powerful hallucinogens, they just might provide all of the aforementioned things over the course of five minutes.

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7. They Didn't Kill The People From VICE
Hey, they were nice people, don't get me wrong, but they were obviously out of their element. They dressed like German tourists, and we caught them taking selfies at the Gathering -- twice. (Their photographer is from Cleveland, yet doesn't hang out at the greatest bar in the world: Now That's Class.) Plus, they actually used the cell-phone charging station. Thanks to the benevolence of the Juggalo people, they made it out of this psychotic mess of a festival without being disemboweled. So that is pretty cool.

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6. Juggalos Are Brilliant at Chanting
While the most common chants are "Fam-i-ly", "Magic Magic Ninja What," and the aforementioned,"You Fucked Up," we also heard some other choice hollering:
"Mutilated Dick!"
"Cir-cum-sized!"
"Baby-Dick!"
"Suck His Dick!"
"Fuck Jay Leno"
"Fuck Johnny Carson"
"Fuck Jack Paar"
"Fuck Steve Allen"
"Fuck Ed Sullivan"
"Fuck Her Right In The Pussy"
Basically, if a phrase is about dicks or has the word "fuck" in it, juggalos will gather en masse and scream it in unison at the top of their lungs.

Story continues on the next page.

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80 comments
Jennifer Lynn
Jennifer Lynn

Why is the RFT the only one posting so many articles about this group?

Marc Richey
Marc Richey

hahaha we would never be able to buy gas again!

Marc Richey
Marc Richey

I think all of the Juggalo posts are hilarious. Thanks RFT

Andrew Wilke
Andrew Wilke

RFT is trolling and these comments are great.

Alec Castle
Alec Castle

The cool thing about Eric Clapton and Chuck Berry is that they probably know how magnets work.

William Declue
William Declue

Most the women at this mess are whores only positive i see lol booom

Ricky Nelson
Ricky Nelson

Your parents must have neglected to teach you anything about music Tori. Go back, start again at chuck berry and work your way forward by the time you reach clapton maybe you will have learned what real music is supposed to sound like.

Brandy Airheart
Brandy Airheart

I'm ill and couldn't make it to the Gathering this year and I appreciate the coverage. Thank you, thank you.-From an old ass Juggalo

Alec Castle
Alec Castle

I just want to go on record and say I don't like Kiss or their fans either. That is all.

Jeff Lagemann
Jeff Lagemann

E Wtf is your deal with these people? You want to do a story. Do one on the percent of them that are leeching of our taxes

Kristen Javurek-Jordan
Kristen Javurek-Jordan

Is anyone building a bridge to get the fuck over it. It's music they are people Move along.

Tony Bologna
Tony Bologna

Good thing the gathering never takes place in saint louis because none of the gas station employees would be working those days.

Nick Pathik
Nick Pathik

Never liked rft. This makes me glad I never did. theyre obviously mentally retarded.

Megg Ray
Megg Ray

Wait, idolize juggalos? Nahhhhh.

Jason Gerfers
Jason Gerfers

Ha ha. The RFT is totally trolling now. Funny stuff.

Jeremy Colt Grindstaff
Jeremy Colt Grindstaff

John Ring Brandon Troy Sonja Miller Steve Lyles CurbStomp Christina Kaitlyn Branham

Tommy Houchin
Tommy Houchin

I think its funny how everyone has hate for these guys but yet kiss is the same way but its ok for them icp donates millions of dollers to charity every year what do u do to help humanity oh nothing lol u all need to grow up its just music

Mike Kotraba
Mike Kotraba

If your over 15 and still listen to that garbage you have mental issues.

Ricky Nelson
Ricky Nelson

If you are going to send a reporter to the gathering, make sure you fit him with a suicide bomber vest first.

Brian Hernandez
Brian Hernandez

Love Juggalos. It helps me break down that if I were living in a trailer with wood paneling and had someone steals my microwave, I know who the culprit is.

Josh Smith
Josh Smith

Fat ughhly hoosiers.com,, who gives a fuck

Jon-Michael Barger
Jon-Michael Barger

Amber Spiess Andrew Barger Cliff Kleckner Chuck Odin-Son Copley Cousin Eddie Derek Valencia

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