The 10 Best Punk Christmas Songs

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Andrew Youssef
Warren Fitzgerald of the Vandals on guitar
By Damian Bloor

Christmas is only a week away, and with it will come the fateful holiday party where someone -- hopefully not you -- drinks too much and tells off a roomful of sullen friends and family members. Far from a time of universal peace and joy, the winter holidays can be fraught with familial resentment and animosity. This makes the season a perfect time to dust off your old punk-rock records. We know holiday prep is major drain on time, so as our gift to you, we've assembled a playlist of our ten favorite Christmas punk songs. Now you should have plenty of time to write insincere cards to people you only see once a year.

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Lagwagon Nails the Delicate Art of Aging Gracefully

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Lisa Johnson

Ever wondered what kind of maladies might befall residents of an old folks' home for punk musicians? All you have to do is crank up Lagwagon's "Falling Apart," on which the long-running Santa Barbara, California, band fast-forwards time and imagines what its members will look like when they are decrepit and utterly dilapidated. There are all manner of ailments: baldness, osteoporosis, glaucoma, blown-out knees, liver failure, dementia, muscular atrophy, dental decay, etc.

At the particularly mournful-sounding bridge, vocalist Joey Cape's distinctive, kinda nasal voice wades through despondence: "I'll never be Ozzy/Onstage when I'm 50/I'm gonna look like Elvis/By the time I'm 40/We're already bogus/We're already fading/We'll never be the Rolling Stones/I'm staying home."

And there Lagwagon is: infirm and irrelevant. It's a pointedly tragicomic riff on youth disappearing -- Cape himself sees the tune as more funny than sad.


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Minneapolis' Miami Dolphins Is Not a Football Team From Florida

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Joe Scott
Don't worry; they're OK. Dolphins can breathe underwater.
Aside from the fact that it is decidedly not a sports team (but also, still totally a sports team), not much is known about the whimsical Minneapolis band Miami Dolphins. Having carved a quirky cacophony into the foreheads of freak deviants and gleeful art-school nerds alike, the band seems to garner a wide array of bizarre comparisons from every direction. Terms like "angular avant-punk" and "spazz-rock" drunkenly dance around reviews while other confused music aficionados liken the group to the Minutemen, Wire, Dog Faced Hermans, Fantomas, Le Tigre or a kindergarten class on a sugar high.

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Super Punk Mattress From Genuine Punk House For Sale On Ebay

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Photo from Ebay listing
Sorry, the "0" from the house's address has already been sold.
Look at this mattress. As you can plainly see, it is very punk. It is spray-painted and dirty, and it has a negative but in-your-face attitude. Do you want to buy it? Of course you do.

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[Update: Canceled] Modern Life is War Will Play St. Louis for the First Time in Six Years

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Press photo
By Nick Lucchesi

[Editor's note: We've just received word from MLIW's people that one of its members has a family medical emergency and this show is canceled. The band hopes to reschedule soon.]

The last time Modern Life Is War played St. Louis, it looked liked like Hillary Clinton could be president, America was blissfully unaware of Sarah Palin and the first-generation iPhone was a tech revelation.

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The Ongoing Explosion of Crossover Thrash Band Power Trip

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Press photo
By Nick Lucchesi

"Whiskey and yummy snacks."

Thus ends the rider for Dallas hardcore/thrash band Power Trip, whose recent ascent hasn't left a lot of time for fleshing out a list of things the band would like in its greenroom.

"I wrote, verbatim, 'a bottle of whiskey and yummy snacks; various, assorted yummy snacks,'" says frontman Riley Gale by phone from his duplex in Old East Dallas. "This rider business is new to me."

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Iron Maiden's Bruce Dickinson Is Wrong About Punk

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Todd Owyoung
Bruce!
Bruce Dickinson rules. He's the greatest singer for one of the greatest bands of all time, Iron Maiden. But recently, he unleashed some pretty charged words in an interview with the Guardian. In addition to dropping one of the most incredible quotations ever, "fame is the excrement of creativity," he also said a few harsh words about punk rock, referring to it as rubbish and saying that the lack of talent in punk was an excuse to call it performance art. He goes on to state, "Half the kids that were in punk bands were laughing at the art establishment, going: 'What a fucking bunch of tosspots. Thanks very much, give us the money, and we'll fuck off and stick it up our nose and shag birds.'"

Not totally untrue. The problem, however, lies in his words that immediately follow that thought:

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Guttermouth Frontman Mark Adkins Loves Playing Punk and Talking Shit

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Courtesy of Guttermouth
On a Tuesday afternoon, Guttermouth front man Mark Adkins is laying in bed, slurping down a bowl of Honey Bunches of Oats, and talking about how boring it is living in San Juan Capistrano, California, how he's itching to get the band back on the road at the end of this month. "There's a sense of normalcy being on the road," Adkins says, his voice gruff from sleep, having been rousted out of bed for the interview. "Even when I am home, I take off to Tijuana or Rosarito just to get out of here. It gets really boring."

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Lady Gaga is Really into Crust Punk, DOOM and G.I.S.M.

In her latest music video for "Telephone," Lady Gaga is hanging out in women's prison, seemingly up to no good and, as we find out, waiting for a phone call from Beyonce.

What's received some attention from those who enjoy both Gaga's pop songs and bands like Discharge (we do exist, of course), is the leather jacket she's wearing in the video.


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