Six Ways To Avoid Getting Robbed On Tour

Categories: Nitpick Six

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All illustrations by Dave Watt.
Although musicians are infamous for walking out on bar tabs, trashing hotel rooms and hijacking chuckwagon sandwiches from gas stations, there is one thing they deserve: the ability to torture society with their particular brand of art. Sadly, it happens all too often that bands' tours are derailed or altogether cancelled as a result of the actions of opportunistic criminals. St. Louis has seen a rash of incidents lately wherein bands' vans have been broken into and looted of their valuables. Most recently, reunited Texas emo band Mineral was taken for thousands of dollars worth of stuff after playing a show at the Firebird in St. Louis.

While it's likely that artists will continue to be the targets of such a devastating crime, we've come up with a few helpful suggestions to prevent bands from being robbed on tour.

See also: Mineral's Van Broken Into Outside of Flamingo Bowl, Thousands Stolen

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Six Reasons You Need To Flyer Your Shows

Categories: Nitpick Six

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Philip Kromer/Flickr
So easy, even a monkey can do it.
Social media takes the heat for a lot of things. Some people insist that it's responsible for diluting activism and killing personal interaction. Others may recall the recent viral Craigslist post about the restaurant that blamed their slowing service on social media and smartphones, while some scientists have even drawn a connection between Facebook use and depression.

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Sixteen Stupid Hats Musicians Love Wearing

Categories: Nitpick Six

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Flickr/Joel Dinda
Straw hat left off this list because obviously it sucks. You don't need my help with that.
Recently, my enemies have been accusing me of having a problem with hats. Maybe it's because I am (predictably) a bald, pale music critic, and wearing a hat makes me look like a Nosferatu vampire-creature. But personally, I think someone's choice of headwear can tell a lot about a person -- usually how they suck.

As I am fully aware that most people are not as gifted as I am when it comes to deciphering the inner-character of a human being based solely upon their appearance, I've created an exceptionally important guide. When I die, I will be remembered for my gift to the world: a list of stupid hats musicians wear and what they mean.

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Six Ways for Degenerates to Celebrate the 4th of July

Categories: Nitpick Six

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All illustrations by Dave Watt.
Every red-blooded American with the day off will agree: The 4th of July is one of our nation's finest holidays. While the historic significance is a no-brainer for our country, more importantly, it's a day of excess and celebration as we're expected to dutifully cram grilled meat and cheap beer into our already-bloated bodies. Then we set off explosives.

But what about those of us loser artists who live free and die on a daily basis -- staying up late, getting trashed, watching bands play local dumps and firing bottle rockets at our friends even during the dead of January? How do you celebrate a holiday where the encouraged activities are already incorporated into your regular routine of mayhem?
We've got you covered, you mutant. Here's six ways for a degenerate like you to celebrate the 4th of July.


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Six Reasons to Take Your Band On Tour

Categories: Nitpick Six

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Daigo Oliva/Flickr

There are a lot of ways to travel the world. Most of them involve being extremely wealthy. However, if you weren't born with the gift of mommy and daddy's golden checkbook, you can still find a fairly respectable way to see the world, provided you're OK with sleeping on a pool table and using a blood-stained pillow once and a while.

Just start a band, play some shows in your hometown, then tell everyone you're too cool to hang around and go book a tour. When you're not fighting off hordes of attractive groupies as they paw at your clothes and try to hand you money, you can experience the joys of beautiful national treasures/glorified gas stations like Wall Drug and South of the Border. Tour is also your chance to justify eating seventeen gas station burritos over the course of a few weeks.

See also: Six Reasons Employers Should Hire Touring Musicians


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Six Rules For Sharing a Practice Space

Categories: Nitpick Six

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Flickr/eyeliam
Mixing business with pleasure is a dirty game, isn't it? While necessary, practice spaces exemplify the tension that comes with sharing a small area with a number of personal friends and acquaintances. It's like living in a tiny house with eight other unbalanced roommates. Between paying rent, keeping the space clean and organized, and having to occasionally text a friend and ask them if you can use a guitar strap, there are a multitude of dicey situations you can find yourself in.

To help alleviate some common headaches associated with sharing a space, we've compiled a short guide to help you navigate through some potentially tenuous and troublesome situations with your fellow musicians.

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Six Reasons People Want to Have Sex with Musicians

Categories: Nitpick Six

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Press Photo
Tom Petty's skin looks like a fondue pot was poured over a haunted-house prop. If not for music, he'd be a very lonely man.
Recently, Business Insider published the results of a study that purports to prove why women want to enter the bone zone with musicians. The article summarizes research from the University of Sussex, and there are a few glaring omissions that make it useless to the general population. Aside from basically stating that it's "some sort of biological thing," the article fails to take into account some of the obvious reasons why creative individuals and other attention vacuums are attractive as short-term sex partners.

The study also sucks because it leaves dudes completely out of the equation. Maybe its authors think it's a given that guys want to screw anyone who's marginally cool or interesting. (Or horrible and boring.)

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Six of the Most Underrated Songs of All Time

Categories: Nitpick Six

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Ancient press photo from old timey times.
Type O Negative
The world continues to burn, propelling artists such as Justin Bieber, Miley Cyrus and La Bouche to the top of the charts. Meanwhile, some of the most brilliant artists sit silently in obscurity. Sometimes people discover them years later and bring them to light through covers, or a hip-hop artist incorporates samples of an overlooked piece of brilliance and gives a slight revitalization to the track.

Whether it's a painting, a sculpture or a song, everyone can agree that it's a true tragedy when an important work of art seems to be ignored by the general populace. It's depressing. Devastatingly sad. It can almost be as difficult as
"Unsuccessfully Coping with the Natural Beauty of Infidelity."

And with that, we are pleased to present Six of the Most Underrated Songs of All Time.


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Six Reasons Your Band Should Not Play Longer Than Twenty Minutes

Categories: Nitpick Six

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Tom Coates/Flickr
Imagine you're on a date and you're telling a story. It's a long one, but you know it's a winner. Everyone always loves this story. Three quarters of the way to the punch line, you notice a shift in your date's behavior. She's glancing at the door, bouncing her leg or messing with her hair. Does she want a cigarette? Does she need another drink to quell the anxiety? Has she been hit with a bout of explosive diarrhea?

Moments like these separate perceptive and considerate people from torturous, self-indulgent-asshole ones. The first will recognize the proper social cues and say something like, "Hey, let's grab another drink, and I'll finish this in a minute." The latter, however, will continue endlessly flapping their tight red gums, concentrating on themselves and their immediate needs.

See also: Six People to Avoid When Forming a Band

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Six Reasons Employers Should Hire Touring Musicians

Categories: Nitpick Six

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Incase/Flickr
In 2014, you should've already figured it out by now: Your dumpy, forgettable band with few fans should be touring. The need to turn your local bar band into a mobile poverty-stricken disaster unit is of utmost importance. It's your chance to see beautiful rolling landscapes, fall in love with people you'll only talk to on the Internet and learn how to comfortably carry yourself onstage. Tour is where baby takes his first steps -- gaining a new, elevated perspective and examining the world with awe while still shitting his pants.

Literally.

See also: Six People to Avoid When Forming a Band

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