Six Reasons I Won't Like Your Band On Facebook

Categories: Nitpick Six

facebookdislike.jpg
Every week, we get thousands of notifications on Facebook, and because our lives are privileged and lonely, we pay attention to them. Everyone has commented on everything. It is everybody's birthday today. Everyone but you has had a baby and is also celebrating their four-year anniversary with a decent human being. Facebook is a constant hum of people begging for your attention without looking you in the eyes.

If that's not enough, the network puts you in the awkward situation of dealing with a constant flow of hellish invites. A high school friend wants you to come to their pre-engagement party. The barista from the coffee shop down the street has invited you to visit his new art gallery composed entirely of Lolcats and pictures of trees at the zoo. Your aunt really, really, really wants you to play Candy Crush Saga. And of course, some asshole wants you to like their band on Facebook.

More »

Six Reasons Why Bands Break Up

Categories: Nitpick Six

np6breakup01.jpg
All illustrations by Curtis Tinsley.

While Aerosmith still flails around in a body without bones, propped up by the hot air of its backward-cap-wearing fanbase, most sensible bands know when to call it quits. Sure, reunion tours are still a thing, but those tend to happen on the stinking fumes of nostalgia, and they serve to fuel the now-meager drug habits that were once respectable addictions.

Everyone calls it quits at some point. Being in a band is hard work -- coordinating schedules, dealing with flakes and actually hammering out a tolerable song or two is a damn near miracle for some. But those who break through are still destined to quit at some point, and here's why.

See Also: The Nitpick Six Archives


More »

Six Reasons To Always Stagedive

Categories: Nitpick Six

5352579623_83aa1d6c31_z.jpg
Montecruz Foto/Flickr

Recently, extremely dangerous pop-punk band Joyce Manor ignited controversy among true rockers everywhere after its members stopped one of their fans from stagediving on some small women. The band even later took to Facebook to condemn the practice.

Although the move is likely motivated by positive intentions, this band is stupid and wrong. Stagediving is the most important thing that any human being could ever do at a rock & roll show. If you do not stagedive at all shows, you are probably a coward who is afraid of everything. It is important for so many reasons, which I will now list for you in a simple and readable format that also pays me money.


More »

Six Ways To Avoid Getting Robbed On Tour

Categories: Nitpick Six

VAN06.jpg
All illustrations by Dave Watt.
Although musicians are infamous for walking out on bar tabs, trashing hotel rooms and hijacking chuckwagon sandwiches from gas stations, there is one thing they deserve: the ability to torture society with their particular brand of art. Sadly, it happens all too often that bands' tours are derailed or altogether cancelled as a result of the actions of opportunistic criminals. St. Louis has seen a rash of incidents lately wherein bands' vans have been broken into and looted of their valuables. Most recently, reunited Texas emo band Mineral was taken for thousands of dollars worth of stuff after playing a show at the Firebird in St. Louis.

While it's likely that artists will continue to be the targets of such a devastating crime, we've come up with a few helpful suggestions to prevent bands from being robbed on tour.

See also: Mineral's Van Broken Into Outside of Flamingo Bowl, Thousands Stolen

More »

Six Reasons You Need To Flyer Your Shows

Categories: Nitpick Six

monkeyflyer.jpg
Philip Kromer/Flickr
So easy, even a monkey can do it.
Social media takes the heat for a lot of things. Some people insist that it's responsible for diluting activism and killing personal interaction. Others may recall the recent viral Craigslist post about the restaurant that blamed their slowing service on social media and smartphones, while some scientists have even drawn a connection between Facebook use and depression.

More »

Sixteen Stupid Hats Musicians Love Wearing

Categories: Nitpick Six

LEADHAT.jpg
Flickr/Joel Dinda
Straw hat left off this list because obviously it sucks. You don't need my help with that.
Recently, my enemies have been accusing me of having a problem with hats. Maybe it's because I am (predictably) a bald, pale music critic, and wearing a hat makes me look like a Nosferatu vampire-creature. But personally, I think someone's choice of headwear can tell a lot about a person -- usually how they suck.

As I am fully aware that most people are not as gifted as I am when it comes to deciphering the inner-character of a human being based solely upon their appearance, I've created an exceptionally important guide. When I die, I will be remembered for my gift to the world: a list of stupid hats musicians wear and what they mean.

More »

Six Ways for Degenerates to Celebrate the 4th of July

Categories: Nitpick Six

4THJULY_01b_SitWithDog.jpg
All illustrations by Dave Watt.
Every red-blooded American with the day off will agree: The 4th of July is one of our nation's finest holidays. While the historic significance is a no-brainer for our country, more importantly, it's a day of excess and celebration as we're expected to dutifully cram grilled meat and cheap beer into our already-bloated bodies. Then we set off explosives.

But what about those of us loser artists who live free and die on a daily basis -- staying up late, getting trashed, watching bands play local dumps and firing bottle rockets at our friends even during the dead of January? How do you celebrate a holiday where the encouraged activities are already incorporated into your regular routine of mayhem?
We've got you covered, you mutant. Here's six ways for a degenerate like you to celebrate the 4th of July.


More »

Six Reasons to Take Your Band On Tour

Categories: Nitpick Six

van2.jpg
Daigo Oliva/Flickr

There are a lot of ways to travel the world. Most of them involve being extremely wealthy. However, if you weren't born with the gift of mommy and daddy's golden checkbook, you can still find a fairly respectable way to see the world, provided you're OK with sleeping on a pool table and using a blood-stained pillow once and a while.

Just start a band, play some shows in your hometown, then tell everyone you're too cool to hang around and go book a tour. When you're not fighting off hordes of attractive groupies as they paw at your clothes and try to hand you money, you can experience the joys of beautiful national treasures/glorified gas stations like Wall Drug and South of the Border. Tour is also your chance to justify eating seventeen gas station burritos over the course of a few weeks.

See also: Six Reasons Employers Should Hire Touring Musicians


More »

Six Rules For Sharing a Practice Space

Categories: Nitpick Six

LEADIMAGESPACE.jpg
Flickr/eyeliam
Mixing business with pleasure is a dirty game, isn't it? While necessary, practice spaces exemplify the tension that comes with sharing a small area with a number of personal friends and acquaintances. It's like living in a tiny house with eight other unbalanced roommates. Between paying rent, keeping the space clean and organized, and having to occasionally text a friend and ask them if you can use a guitar strap, there are a multitude of dicey situations you can find yourself in.

To help alleviate some common headaches associated with sharing a space, we've compiled a short guide to help you navigate through some potentially tenuous and troublesome situations with your fellow musicians.

More »

Six Reasons People Want to Have Sex with Musicians

Categories: Nitpick Six

tom-petty-header-2.jpg
Press Photo
Tom Petty's skin looks like a fondue pot was poured over a haunted-house prop. If not for music, he'd be a very lonely man.
Recently, Business Insider published the results of a study that purports to prove why women want to enter the bone zone with musicians. The article summarizes research from the University of Sussex, and there are a few glaring omissions that make it useless to the general population. Aside from basically stating that it's "some sort of biological thing," the article fails to take into account some of the obvious reasons why creative individuals and other attention vacuums are attractive as short-term sex partners.

The study also sucks because it leaves dudes completely out of the equation. Maybe its authors think it's a given that guys want to screw anyone who's marginally cool or interesting. (Or horrible and boring.)

More »

Now Trending

From the Vault

 

Clubs

Loading...