Six Reasons Musicians Don't Deserve To Get Paid

Categories: Nitpick Six

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Alina Sofia / Flickr
All for free and free for all.
You've seen those memes: the ones about how musicians spend thousands of dollars on gear, hours rehearsing and loading/unloading, and drive 40 minutes to just play a show for $100. How noble and brave our poor musicians are, selflessly sacrificing themselves at every turn for a chance to do what they love while constantly griping and whining about every aspect of it. So of course they deserve to get paid -- they're performing a vital service to our lives, just like an ambulance driver.

Although musicians are indeed shafted by entire industries that are built purely around their creative output, truthfully, they don't deserve to get paid anything. Now tremble with indignant rage as I explain precisely why.

See also: Six Reasons Employers Should Hire Touring Musicians

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6 Christmas Punk Songs You Haven't Heard

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Cover sourced from The Night Stalkers bandcamp page.
The Night Stalkers nabbed this photo for their song "Christmas Blue Balls."

Joy to the world, it's a Christmas themed list! Oh and look, we even incorporated "punk" into it. It seems as if Riverfront Times has done it again. Look, we understand your concerns, but scan the internet. You'll find a bunch of pathetic lists with Fall Out Boy and that dopey '90s record from The Vandals. Scratch a little deeper and you'll find last holiday's precious gift: Punk Goes Christmas, a compilation with bands like All Time Low and Yellowcard - the perfect collection for your closest friend who still wears a Nightmare Before Christmas stocking cap.

While it would be easy to dig into these lists and records, we're all knee deep in holiday spirit. Instead, we'd rather give you a present. As pointed out in our recent "punk" themed list of Christmas songs, any decent deviant knows hits like Fear's "Fuck Christmas" or that goddamn Ramones song. So here's six ones you haven't heard.


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Six Ways James Blunt Could Make Up For That Horrid Travesty "You're Beautiful"

Categories: Nitpick Six

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Screenshot from the video for that unlistenable piece of garbage song.
Recently, in an interview with Hello! Magazine, that sappy dude with Ashton Kutcher hair, James Blunt, apologized for his double-platinum song "Beautiful." Referring to it as "force-fed down people's throats" and "annoying," Blunt has openly admitted his grim misdeed in writing the 2005 anthem for the parade of the horribles.

While the right thing to do would be to forgive our friend with the dope-smoking last name and possibly even check out his more recent material, we are not fair and righteous people. We are petty, calloused and vindictive. More importantly, we hated that fucking song and still have to hear it in elevators and while waiting on hold in telephone hell as we attempt to negotiate medical bill payment plans.

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Six Reasons I Won't Like Your Band On Facebook

Categories: Nitpick Six

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Every week, we get thousands of notifications on Facebook, and because our lives are privileged and lonely, we pay attention to them. Everyone has commented on everything. It is everybody's birthday today. Everyone but you has had a baby and is also celebrating their four-year anniversary with a decent human being. Facebook is a constant hum of people begging for your attention without looking you in the eyes.

If that's not enough, the network puts you in the awkward situation of dealing with a constant flow of hellish invites. A high school friend wants you to come to their pre-engagement party. The barista from the coffee shop down the street has invited you to visit his new art gallery composed entirely of Lolcats and pictures of trees at the zoo. Your aunt really, really, really wants you to play Candy Crush Saga. And of course, some asshole wants you to like their band on Facebook.

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Six Reasons Why Bands Break Up

Categories: Nitpick Six

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All illustrations by Curtis Tinsley.

While Aerosmith still flails around in a body without bones, propped up by the hot air of its backward-cap-wearing fanbase, most sensible bands know when to call it quits. Sure, reunion tours are still a thing, but those tend to happen on the stinking fumes of nostalgia, and they serve to fuel the now-meager drug habits that were once respectable addictions.

Everyone calls it quits at some point. Being in a band is hard work -- coordinating schedules, dealing with flakes and actually hammering out a tolerable song or two is a damn near miracle for some. But those who break through are still destined to quit at some point, and here's why.

See Also: The Nitpick Six Archives


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Six Reasons To Always Stagedive

Categories: Nitpick Six

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Montecruz Foto/Flickr

Recently, extremely dangerous pop-punk band Joyce Manor ignited controversy among true rockers everywhere after its members stopped one of their fans from stagediving on some small women. The band even later took to Facebook to condemn the practice.

Although the move is likely motivated by positive intentions, this band is stupid and wrong. Stagediving is the most important thing that any human being could ever do at a rock & roll show. If you do not stagedive at all shows, you are probably a coward who is afraid of everything. It is important for so many reasons, which I will now list for you in a simple and readable format that also pays me money.


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Six Ways To Avoid Getting Robbed On Tour

Categories: Nitpick Six

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All illustrations by Dave Watt.
Although musicians are infamous for walking out on bar tabs, trashing hotel rooms and hijacking chuckwagon sandwiches from gas stations, there is one thing they deserve: the ability to torture society with their particular brand of art. Sadly, it happens all too often that bands' tours are derailed or altogether cancelled as a result of the actions of opportunistic criminals. St. Louis has seen a rash of incidents lately wherein bands' vans have been broken into and looted of their valuables. Most recently, reunited Texas emo band Mineral was taken for thousands of dollars worth of stuff after playing a show at the Firebird in St. Louis.

While it's likely that artists will continue to be the targets of such a devastating crime, we've come up with a few helpful suggestions to prevent bands from being robbed on tour.

See also: Mineral's Van Broken Into Outside of Flamingo Bowl, Thousands Stolen

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Six Reasons You Need To Flyer Your Shows

Categories: Nitpick Six

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Philip Kromer/Flickr
So easy, even a monkey can do it.
Social media takes the heat for a lot of things. Some people insist that it's responsible for diluting activism and killing personal interaction. Others may recall the recent viral Craigslist post about the restaurant that blamed their slowing service on social media and smartphones, while some scientists have even drawn a connection between Facebook use and depression.

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Sixteen Stupid Hats Musicians Love Wearing

Categories: Nitpick Six

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Flickr/Joel Dinda
Straw hat left off this list because obviously it sucks. You don't need my help with that.
Recently, my enemies have been accusing me of having a problem with hats. Maybe it's because I am (predictably) a bald, pale music critic, and wearing a hat makes me look like a Nosferatu vampire-creature. But personally, I think someone's choice of headwear can tell a lot about a person -- usually how they suck.

As I am fully aware that most people are not as gifted as I am when it comes to deciphering the inner-character of a human being based solely upon their appearance, I've created an exceptionally important guide. When I die, I will be remembered for my gift to the world: a list of stupid hats musicians wear and what they mean.

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Six Ways for Degenerates to Celebrate the 4th of July

Categories: Nitpick Six

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All illustrations by Dave Watt.
Every red-blooded American with the day off will agree: The 4th of July is one of our nation's finest holidays. While the historic significance is a no-brainer for our country, more importantly, it's a day of excess and celebration as we're expected to dutifully cram grilled meat and cheap beer into our already-bloated bodies. Then we set off explosives.

But what about those of us loser artists who live free and die on a daily basis -- staying up late, getting trashed, watching bands play local dumps and firing bottle rockets at our friends even during the dead of January? How do you celebrate a holiday where the encouraged activities are already incorporated into your regular routine of mayhem?
We've got you covered, you mutant. Here's six ways for a degenerate like you to celebrate the 4th of July.


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