I Chaperoned a Middle School Valentine's Day Dance

Categories: Serrano Time

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Photo by Jose Kevo via Flickr

Editor's Note: Shea Serrano is an award-winning music writer and goofball whose recent exploits include Bun B's Rapper Coloring and Activity Book. In his new column, he writes about his life and times.

3:20 p.m.: Today I am chaperoning our school's Valentine's Day dance. A line of about 100 kids is already waiting to get into the cafeteria, which is where we hold all of our school's dances. In the movies there's always, like, a decorations committee or whatever worrying that everything's not going to be finished in time for the dance and will be ruined. That's not how it works in real life.

You know who the decorating committee is at a middle school in real life? Four janitors. Do you know how they decorate? They move all of the tables out of the way. Malibooyah. The dance is ready, and the kids go goddamn nuts for it. That's a little thing called being efficient.

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Legal and Binding: Funeral Essentials for a Famous Music Critic

Categories: Serrano Time

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Flickr/Javier Lopez Zavala

Editor's Note: Shea Serrano is an award-winning music writer and goofball whose recent exploits include Bun B's Rapper Coloring and Activity Book. In his new column, he writes about his life and times.

Earlier this week, I went to the funeral of a person that I cared about. While I am of course happy that he will get to spend the rest of eternity in Heaven with the woman that he loved (who was there waiting for him), I am sad for myself and for my family because he is someone we all cared about deeply. This is not a remembrance post, though. My wife, this particular man's granddaughter, wrote one far better than I could ever hope to do. This, my true best friends, is a blueprint.

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Here Are the Songs They Play At a Kid's Skating Rink Birthday Party

Categories: Serrano Time

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Flickr/Great Beyond
Editor's Note: Shea Serrano is an award-winning music writer and goofball whose recent exploits include Bun B's Rapper Coloring and Activity Book. In his new column, he writes about his life and times.

Among many other things, my twin six-year-old sons think I am Manu Ginobili when the Spurs play basketball on TV, the model for the Georges St-Pierre action figure (which we gave my wife for Christmas one year), Paco from Bloodsport and the guy inside the blue Power Ranger costume. They think all of these things because I told them all of these things, because when you're a dad you can just lie about stuff and your kids will believe you.

With tiny humans whose brains are nearly empty living in your house, you can be whomever you want. Did you know that I once got into a fistfight with Thor? Or that I taught the Pope how to pray? That I have the muscle density of a gorilla? Or did you know that I invented cars and also lightning? Fact, fact, fact, fact and fact.

See Also: Here Are the Songs They Play At a Kid's Skating Rink Birthday Party

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My Son Talked to God and Got Him to Cancel School

Categories: Serrano Time

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Image at flick/Waiting For The World. Illustration by Shea
Editor's Note: Shea Serrano is an award-winning music writer and goofball whose recent exploits include Bun B's Rapper Coloring and Activity Book. In his new column, he writes about his life and times.

Perhaps you do not know this, because you do not follow weather trends of the Southeastern United States, but my native Houston has been getting properly pummeled by Meltankos (Norse God of Ice, obviously). A nasty frost closed all of the city's schools and many of its businesses last Friday. The roads were so treacherous and lethal and unforgiving that, even despite the limited traffic, there were more than 500 accidents.

But the front moved in and out quickly. By Saturday (Friday evening, to be more accurate), it was safe to move around again. By Sunday, it was downright pleasant. And by Monday, the schools were fully operational. At least they were, until one of my six-year-old sons called God.

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Children are the Worst: More Proof

Categories: Serrano Time

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Editor's Note: Shea Serrano is an award-winning music writer and goofball whose recent exploits include Bun B's Rapper Coloring and Activity Book. In his new column, he writes about his life and times.

I am working on a new book.

I cannot say too much about it yet, other than:

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Pitbull's "Timber" featuring Ke$ha: Why This Video Sucks

Categories: Serrano Time

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Editor's Note: Shea Serrano is an award-winning music writer and goofball whose recent exploits include Bun B's Rapper Coloring and Activity Book.

Right now, Pitbull's "Timber," featuring Ke$ha, is No. 2 on Billboard  and No. 1 on my GTFOH chart. I don't remember the first time I heard it -- it seems like I've heard it every day since I was twelve years old -- but I do remember when I decided I hated it (the first time I heard it).

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A Quick Note to 2013 About 2013 and Also 2014

Categories: Serrano Time

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Note: in his column Serrano Time, award-winning writer and goofball Shea Serrano writes about his life and times.

Dear 2013,

Oh, man. So you're officially over. That's kind of sad. You were mostly a very dope year -- at least for me, anyway, and truth be told, that's all I really care about because I am selfish, and I guess I'm sorry about that. I'll try to be more empathetic in 2014. (The 2014 Empathy Campaign will be largely unsuccessful, of this I am sure.)

2013, Do you remember Chance the Rapper's Acid Rap? That was such a great tape. It might've been the best tape of you, depending on when you happen to ask me. I watched Chance perform live twice. He was super entertaining. I like him a lot. Actually, I just saw that he's on the cover of the new Source. That's so wonderful. He seems so nice. I wonder how he felt about the picture they used though. It kind of made me wish that someone sometime a while back had invented shoes for eyeballs because when my eyeballs saw the cover they jumped out of my skull and ran right the fuck down the block. I didn't like it that much.

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Kanye West: The Illustrated Cartoon Quiz

Categories: Serrano Time

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All illustrations by me. I'm Shea.
[Editor's Note: In his column Serrano Time, award-winning writer and goofball Shea Serrano writes about his life and times.]

This game is very simple: Look at the pictures and guess what Kanye West song each one represents. Boom. That's it. That's all. You're done. That's a little thing called respecting your time. That's a little thing called sometimes Christopher Nolan works a little too hard. I'm saying that because I watched Inception on TNT the other day and I had no idea what the hell was going on. I spent the whole movie making the same face that you make when you can't remember what you changed your email password to. Fuck you, password.

Click the link underneath each picture to get the answer. Kanye may be insufferable but he's also the tits.

See also: Definitely the Best Rap Quiz You're Going to Take Today

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Eminem's "The Monster," Featuring Rihanna: Why This Song Sucks

Categories: Serrano Time

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Marco Torres
[Editor's Note: In his column Serrano Time, award-winning writer and goofball Shea Serrano writes about his life and times.]

Song: Eminem's "The Monster," featuring Rihanna

History: Eminem did a freestyle battle. He went up against Papa Doc and choked. It was pretty sad. Then some more sad stuff happened to him. But then he did another freestyle battle and, if you can even believe it, he ended up going against Papa Doc again and THIS TIME HE WON BY MAKING PAPA DOC CHOKE. That's a little thing called true justice. After that, Rihanna was like, "Oh my God, this dude has mad skills. I need to do a song with him." So they did some pretty good songs together. And then they made "The Monster."

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R. Kelly's Black Panties, Reviewed Using Baby Animal GIFs

Categories: Serrano Time

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[Editor's Note: In this column, award-winning music critic/goofball (and hip-hop coloring-book purveyor) Shea Serrano writes about his life and times.]

Here's what you need to know about Robert Sylvester Kelly: He's the fucking best.

At singing. At wearing masks. At making videos of himself having sex. All of it. And so of course his new album, Black Panties, does amazing things. There's one part where he says he wants to make crazy faces in the mirror just because it's fun, and on a different part he says he's going to marry a pussy because it's an extra-special pussy. See, he knows that if he gets bored with that pussy then the pussy he married will bring him another pussy to join them. That's a little thing called true love.

Originally, the plan was to review Black Panties using GIFs that captured each song's essence. But it turns out that would have required using anime pornography, which isn't appropriate for this, um, family blog. So I decided on the exact opposite: ADORABLE BABY ANIMAL GIFs!

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