Dude looked good in the Birds on the Bat, though.

www.bestsportsphotos.com

And didn't he ramble!

-Tom Finkel

Same old lame headlines, though.

Like Unreal's dear, departed mother used to say: What you gain on the swings, you lose on the roundabouts.

Speaking of mothers and headlines, here's another from today's Post:

Kinda a downer, to Unreal's eye, especially given the nature of the holiday. Why not accentuate the positive? Like:

Or perhaps:

-Unreal

Yesterday afternoon, right about 3 p.m. St. Louis time, a tremendous explosion was heard in downtown Denver, Colorado. Local officials, fearing the worst, visions of a terrorist attack in their heads, responded to the apparent source of the sound, Coors Field. Upon reaching the stadium, they were shocked to find a smoking, dust-filled crater where the pitcher's mound had previously stood. On further inspection, they found a single Cardinal player at the bottom of the new depression, one Kyle Lohse.

He had been roughed up in his previous outing, against the Cubs, but it was brushed aside as one bad day, particularly since the Cardinals were able to maintain and emerge victorious. This time, though, not so much.

I had actually had plans of writing up a post-game article yesterday, but found myself without a single idea of anything I could actually write about. It was an ugly game, and there aren't really even any positives to take from it, except for the fact that Ryan Ludwick may, in fact, destroy us all with his insane powers.

So, I didn't write a post-gamer. Then, I turn on the television this morning, and I see that, apparently, no one else could find anything interesting either, because all of the coverage is of Albert Pujols getting pissed and mouthing off to Tony La Russa when Tony pulled him from the game.

Friday, 5/9

Clothing Time: High fashion is as fickle as most world-hating teens -- its moods and styles are mercurial in form, switching fabrics, cuts and even era-inspired styles several times a year. This is why your inner fashionista simply must sashay to the third annual Pronto Fashion Show and Design Contest and learn about what’s hot at this very moment. The doors at 555 Washington Avenue open at 7:30 p.m. with a runway show at 8:30 displaying the latest work from up-and-coming designers. The competition portion is to be judged by industry experts and fashion retailers. Before the show, enjoy a complimentary wine bar and appetizers from Hendris. Tickets ($40, $125 for VIP seating) can be picked up at HT Communications Group (141 N. Meramec Avenue; 314-726-3117).

Attababy, Harry, give 'em hell in Heaven!

Besides, Harry Truman was pretty damn cool.

Often when the Cardinals lose, it goes occurs like this:

The dead, as far as I'm aware of, have not risen from their graves and begun to feast upon the living, but if they ever did, the Zombie Squad would make sure you were prepared for the undead cataclysm. That, you see, is their mission:

noel vasquez

RFT freelancer Nichole Torpea didn't shoot this pic of lead singer Gerard Way in action at a My Chemical Romance concert.

While taking pictures from the balcony of the Pageant during last Saturday's sold-out show, Torpea says, she was approached by a man she believes is a member of MCR's security team. The man, whom she later described to St. Louis police as six-foot-three, 210 to 230 pounds and dressed all in black, grabbed her arm, led her through a door to a stairwell and forced her to the ground. Torpea says the man paid little attention to the photo pass attached to her shirt.

"I was collapsing under his pressure," she says. "I had no idea what was going on. He had no ID and wouldn't tell me who he was. He kept saying, 'You know what you did. Give me the fucking camera.'"

But more on that later. I come to you today with a much more pressing issue, one that I believe will prove to be the defining moment of our time. And how we deal with it will, in large part, determine how future generations view us and our legacy.

Oh, what ill-formed notion first spawned such an abomination? What impulse gave rise to this hideous affront to nature and man? The name itself calls forth images of crying children, dead batteries, war orphans and losing lottery tickets.

Dinger.

Who, you ask, is Dinger? Only the most foul, loathsome creation of the mascot world. Only the harbinger of black days for us all, a purple Star Wormwood hanging in the sky above Coors Field.

The award for player of the game goes to staff writer/pitcher Chad Garrison, who, flush with confidence after conquering the St. Louis real estate market, struck out three while walking just one in four innings of work. While his ERA is inflated after allowing sixteen runs, including an emblematic home run on the first pitch of the season, the blogosphere is already touting his low WHIP and xFIP numbers as more telling of his abilities. If you're in a deep fantasy league, he could be a good waiver pickup.

Check back every Tuesday this summer to see if the RFT will be able to improve on its opening-day showing. Next week's goal: advancing a runner past first base.

-Unreal

But enough about that. We'll see plenty of that; every news station in town, and maybe even some of the national people, will be running the replay of that one ad nauseam for quite a while. Lost in all of the late-game running heroics by Albert the Great was the debut of a young right-hander for the Cardinals by the name of Mike Parisi.

Welcome to town, Mike. And while I'm at it, nice job last night. So where, exactly, did Mr. Parisi come from, and what should we fans expect from him?

Blogga placata: Buzz "I'm Sorry I Said You're Really Full of Shit" Bissinger

Bissinger had interrupted Leitch as he was responding to Costas' initial question, asserting that the Deadspin-ner is "really full of shit." Here's a link to the fracas (more after the jump):

Click the pic to see the Leitch (pictured)-Bissinger fracas.

For the kid in all of us, read about the event and watch the video after the jump.

So, what did we learn?