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Is the Cardinals' brand of baseball not bold enough for you? Have you ever jumped up from the table in the middle of getting another barbed-wire tattoo around your neck to scream at the TV, "That double play was not extreme enough for my gonzo sensibilities"? Do you wish to see both teams -- pitchers included -- batting and fielding at the same time on a totally wicked double diamond? Do you dream of watching men run the bases in the wrong direction like human comets with asses afire? How 'bout some glow-in-the-dark team logos blazing on those uniforms? Snap into a SlimJim! And say hello to the National Extreme Baseball Association, Broseph.

We don't understand it ourselves. But we don't understand quantum physics either, and a burrito was just successfully microwaved in the break room. So either we're witches or we're willing to suspend comprehension in the face of delicious miracles.

The same blind eye will be cast on more baseball.

Right now the league is just two teams, and they're both located in Florida. But according to the league's Web site, plans are in the works for "20 to 30 teams" by 2008.

And, oh yes, St. Louis is on that list of expansion cities. Exchange a rockin' headbutt with your new team's name: The St. Louis Xmen.

(That "ding" you just heard was the sound of the idea bell going off in the sports-marketing department at KMOX. Or it might have been another burrito in the microwave.)

Before you get a big-ol' Wolverine tattooed on your back, please note that the Web site also has a crawler that reads, "Team names/city subject to change." Which might not be a bad idea, given that Tampa Bay is potentially home to the "Black Sox." Yeah, that's a scandal that needed reviving.

Anyway, if all goes according to plan -- and judging by the way the pitcher in that YouTube clip fielded that catcher's toss, there are no guarantees in Xtreme Baseball -- the Xmen could be making you proud in a stadium (or sandlot) sometime in the near future. Somebody with deep pockets and an excess of moxie just needs to step up and buy a team (looks plaintively at Dave Checketts with puppy-dog eyes and whimpers expectantly). Lest those pesky MLB lawyers get any ideas, the NXBL notes that league founder Phil Weidner "respects traditional baseball full heartily [sic] with the intent to compliment [sic] traditional baseball and not to compete with it."

Duly noted, Phil -- though Marvel Comics' lawyers might not be so easily swayed. And they have mutant healing powers.

-Paul Friswold

Here's a link to Sports Illustrated's profile of St. Louis Cardinals skipper Tony La Russa.

You won't read much that you didn't already know, with the probable exception of the manager's first marriage (which, statistically speaking, yielded two daughters and a divorce), any mention of which has been omitted from La Russa's bio on the Cards' Web site.

What with all the shit La Russa has taken in the first five months of 2007, maybe I'm predisposed to cut him some slack. But here's the thing: In spite of the several high-profile (and idiotic) recent lapses -- the DUI, the petty pouting over the St. Louis Post-Dispatch's (also idiotic) Cubs parody, the fungo-wielding threat leveled at reporters after Josh Hancock's fatal accident -- I not only feel for the guy; I actually find myself admiring him.

He's flawed, obtuse and frequently obnoxious. But he's also intelligent, and principled. You may not agree with his principles, but that doesn't mean he ain't got 'em. Moreover, he does his best to apply them consistently, and that's more than can be said of most human beings.

-Tom Finkel

-Unreal

Well, not quite. But baseball's über-agent does say this about the locally revered Cardinals general manager, who lowballed Boras' client Jeff Weaver this past off-season:

“You have to respect that teams have a right to make their own decisions. [But] here’s a GM who never played the game saying, ‘We’re going to go with our young guys,’ and I go, ‘You can’t.’ The Cardinals not signing Jeff Weaver is how you don’t win divisions, and my prediction is the St. Louis Cardinals won’t win their division this year.”

Read all about it in Jeffrey Anderson's "The Boras Factor," courtesy of our sister paper the LA Weekly.

-Unreal

Not in this instance, allegedly.

Congratulations to all who had "25 days" in the How Long Will It Take to File a Josh Hancock Wrongful Death Lawsuit Pool.

And kudos to those who singled Newman Bronson & Wallis as the local personal-injury firm.

Pat "We Offered to Call Him a Cab" Shannon's middle-of-the-night phone call to St. Louis police chief Joe Mokwa was what we in the trade like to call a "red flag": Someone was gonna sue Mike Shannon's Steaks and Seafood in the wake of the fatal drunk-driving misadventure; it was merely a question of who and when.

Along with Mark Bronson, Claude F. Clayton Jr., Keith C. Kantack and J. Kristopher White, all of Tupelo, Mississippi; and S. Ray Hill III, of Oxford, Mississippi, are reportedly listed as representing the plaintiff, Dean Hancock, Josh Hancock's father.

Shannon's has company: Listed as co-defendants are the tow-truck company whose vehicle Hancock's rented SUV plowed into and the driver of the disabled car the tow-truck driver had come to the aid of.

In the Post-Dispatch's story, reporter Heather Ratcliffe quotes the lawsuit as saying:

"The intoxication of Joshua Morgan Hancock on said occasion was involuntary."

-Unreal

-Unreal

Let's get this straight. Last week Webster University brought in Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi as its commencement speaker. Tomorrow Tim Russert of NBC's Meet the Press is slated to speak at Washington University's graduation. And who has Saint Louis University recruited to round out the trifecta? Why none other than Yogi Berra!

The baseball Hall of Famer (and St. Louis native) might not have the acumen or political insight of other speakers, but Berra's malaproprisms and tangled verbiage have been entertaining and bemusing audiences for years. No doubt SLU's graduating class will get a kick out of the geezer, who turned 82 last Saturday. To wit, I refer you to the Ft. Worth Star-Telegram's humor columnist David Thomas, who imagines the wisdom Berra might impart this weekend.

-Chad Garrison

Last Friday, after Unreal had imbibed too many Jell-O shots to legally blog, the Seattle Mariners announced that they'd placed former St. Louis Cardinals right-hander Jeff Weaver on the fifteen-day disabled list with "right shoulder tendinitis."

USA Today quotes Mariners general manager Bill Bavasi like so:

"Jeff is a guy that won't complain about anything and just takes the baseball.... It became obvious to us when he needed to reach back for that little something extra, his arm strength just wasn't there. Once we talked to him, it became obvious that with some time off and a strength program, he will have an opportunity to return to the type of pitcher we know he can be."

With the aid of our patented Bullshit Translator, here's what Bavasi was really saying:

"Jeff's not hurt; he's just pitching like shit again. What was I thinking when I agreed to pay this guy $8.3 million? Right now I'd pay another $8.3 million just for the privilege of kicking [sports agent -- and Weaver's agent] Scott Boras' ass."

Per blogger Larry "vivaelbirdos.com" Borowsky, the Cardinals are rumored to be considering taking Weaver back if the price is right.

That price? Try $2 million (i.e., the Mariners would have to eat the rest), according to Yahoo's Tim Brown -- scroll down (also via Vivaelbirdos).

Meanwhile, former Cardinals punching bag Sidney Ponson has been released by the Minnesota Twins, who'd taken a $1 million flyer on him during the off-season. Over seven starts with the Twins, Ponson had compiled a record of 2-5, with a 6.93 ERA.

After Ponson flamed out with the Cardinals last year (4-4, 5.24 ERA), the Yankees picked him up (0-1, 10.47 ERA).

-Unreal

Last time Bob Costas landed in our blog was back in January when St. Louis Post-Dispatch sportswriter Dan O'Neill took several unprovoked potshots at the broadcaster. If, as we suspected, O'Neill was jealous of the immense fame and wealth Costas has amassed in the sports-media trade, the P-D columnist may want to stop reading here.

Last week the Wall Street Journal reported that Costas closed on a new, $10 million apartment on Manhattan's Upper West Side.

The three-bedroom, 3,500-square-foot pad in the just-finished Fifteen Central Park West building features amenities such as a private twenty-seat theater, wine cellars, room service with a private chef, a health club and a swimming pool.

Costas' neighbors in the building include Sting, actor Denzel Washington and Nascar driver Jeff Gordon.

The WSJ reports that Costas' previous two-bedroom apartment in Manhattan was purchased for nearly $5 million in 2005. But lest you think the broadcaster has turned his back on his hometown, know that Costas still keeps a mailing address here. His luxury condominium on Hanley Road in Clayton was appraised last year at slightly more than $1 million, according to St. Louis County tax records.

-Chad Garrison

This week only! Noodlin' with Dunc!

-Unreal

From the Detroit Free Press:

In the process of losing to the Detroit Tigers, 7-3, [Jeff] Weaver’s body language was the kind that gets Little Leaguers in trouble.

After each hit given up, his shoulders slumped and -- at least on two occasions -- he kicked at the grass or dirt on the mound instead of backing up a base. It was a child-like show....

The Mariners could try to help him find himself by making him a long man in the bullpen....

Or, they could release him and eat the remainder of his $8.25 million contract....

-Unreal

C'mon, we know you're following the fate of The Weav as religiously as Unreal is. That's how we know you wouldn't want to miss this.

Or this.

-Unreal

St. Louis Medical Examiner Michael Graham reported this morning that Josh Hancock was legally drunk when he was killed in a car accident early last Sunday morning. Hancock’s blood-alcohol level of 0.157 percent was almost twice the state’s legal limit of 0.08.

St. Louis Police Chief Joe Mokwa reported that Hancock’s rented Ford Explorer was traveling at 68 MPH in a 55 MPH zone along Highway 40 (I-64) near Grand Avenue. He was not wearing a seat belt, and there was no indication that he braked before plowing into a tow truck assisting a disabled Geo Prism.

Hancock was on his cell phone at the time of accident. Police found 8.55 grams of marijuana in Hancock’s vehicle and a glass pipe. Dr. Graham concluded Hancock died of severe head trauma within seconds of the crash.

Mokwa provided the following outline of Josh Hancock’s final hours:

After the Cardinals game with the Chicago Cubs ended last Saturday at 5:40 p.m., Busch Stadium security cameras captured Hancock leaving the ballpark at 6:35 p.m. His whereabouts over the next two hours remain unknown. At 8:30 p.m. Hancock arrived alone at Mike Shannon’s Steaks & Seafood. Over the course of the next four hours, the relief pitcher ate and consumed several alcoholic drinks and, according to Mokwa, purchased drinks for other patrons.

Hancock left Shannon’s restaurant at 12:28 a.m. At 12:34 a.m. a tow truck arrived at Highway 40 and Grand Avenue to assist the broken-down Geo. Mokwa reported that Hancock received an incoming call at 12:39 a.m. from a female acquaintance whom he declined to name. The two discussed baseball tickets for approximately three minutes before the line suddenly went dead, presumably at the very moment Hancock plowed into the tow truck and perished.

Medical examiner Graham said toxicology reports — which could indicate that Hancock was also under the influence of other drugs — would not be available for several weeks.
Mokwa and Graham’s news conference can be viewed on KSDK (Channel 5)'s Web site. For more on the Josh Hancock tragedy, see our earlier posts, Tales from the East Side and Josh Hancock: 1978 – 2007.

-Chad Garrison

-Unreal

Ever since the Josh Hancock story took a detour to the strip clubs of East St. Louis, Sauget Police Chief Patrick Delaney has barely had time to hang up the phone. Yesterday evening Delaney was bombarded with a wave of media phone calls following a 5 p.m. story on KSDK-TV (Channel 5) that was the first to link the Cardinals relief pitcher to a fender-bender early Thursday morning (April 26) outside the nightclubs and topless joints of Sauget.

Later last evening, as Delaney was watching his son's hockey game, his cell phone erupted in another round of calls. This time FOX 2 was reporting on its 9 p.m. newscast that an anonymous witness (identified as "Vince" in this morning's Post-Dispatch) claimed to have seen Hancock drinking at Mike Shannon's Steaks and Seafood late Saturday night. "My wife said he couldn't put a sentence together," the self-proclaimed witness told Fox 2, his face concealed from view. "That was her way of saying he'd had too much to drink."

Hancock was killed not long after leaving Shannon's restaurant when his rented Ford Explorer collided with a tow truck on Highway 40 (Interstate 64) at approximately 12:30 a.m. Sunday, April 29.

As Chief Delaney told the reporters the first time they called yesterday: Hancock gave no indication he'd been drinking after a tractor-trailer clipped his GMC Yukon as it pulled out of Yellow Brick Road (home to The Oz, Pop's and the Penthouse Club) at 5:30 a.m. Thursday.

"Neither the officer who arrived on the scene or the truck driver thought Hancock had been drinking," Delaney says. "No field-sobriety test was administered."

Here's the Sauget police report (click to enlarge document in a new window):

Hancock's Yukon was later towed to a lot, which explains why he was driving a rented Ford Explorer when he was killed days later. Delaney says no one else was in Hancock's vehicle at the time of the accident in Sauget and cannot say for certain where the ballplayer was in the hours or minutes prior to the accident.

"He wasn't at The Oz, because it's closed that day. The Penthouse Club closed an hour and a half earlier, at 4 a.m., and people at Pop's [which is open 24 hours] say he wasn't there," Delany says. "A lot of the Cardinals and other professional athletes go to those clubs, but in our conversation with the management and bouncers, Hancock wasn't one of the regulars."

Another tidbit: "Vince" insinuates that Cards manager Tony La Russa was peeved at Hancock. That doesn't jibe with this (unattributed) assertion in Bob Nightengale's story Sunday on USAtoday.com:

Hancock, whose closest friends on the team were outfielder Chris Duncan and relievers Brad Thompson and Adam Wainwright, left the clubhouse for the final time Saturday in an upbeat mood. He had been told he was the starting pitcher Tuesday against Milwaukee after pitching three innings of relief Saturday against the Cubs.

-Chad Garrison