Spotted on New Florissant Road:

Oh, if only the King of Kings could save us! Or, if not a king, then perhaps a Prince?

-Unreal

File under why-oh-why:

What's with Smash talking smack on KLOU -- er, "my 103.3," -- about next week's opponent, calling them "cowgirls" and such, while the Rams are getting their asses handed to them by an arguably inferior team?

-Unreal

Former Vashon High School basketball coach Floyd Irons pled guilty today to one federal count of wire fraud and one federal count of mail fraud stemming from a mortgage scam.

Irons, a past principal of his alma mater, Vashon High School, and its boys' basketball coach for more than three decades, faces up to 30 years in prison and a fine of up to $1 million, according to the plea agreement he signed.

As part of his deal with federal prosecutors, Irons has agreed to supply information to the Missouri State High School Activities Association regarding recruiting and other eligibility violations. A 2006 Riverfront Times investigation found that Vashon apparently fielded teams with at least three ineligible players -- and sometimes as many as ten -- each and every season from 1998-'99 through the 2005-'06 school year.)

"This will allow us to tie up some loose ends that you found when you did your story," says MSHSAA executive director Kerwin Urhahn. "The U.S. Attorney's office has told us they have information that we would be interested in as far as violations of our rules and policies. I don't know what that information is yet. We've had to wait until this plea agreement could be finalized."

Irons' attorney, Rick Sindel, did not immediately return a phone call for comment.

Local restaurateur and mortgage broker John Mineo Jr. pled guilty to one count of mail fraud in connection with the mortgage-fraud scheme. Like Irons, he faces up to 30 years in prison and a fine of up to $1 million.

A third participant alleged to be involved in the scheme, identified in court documents as "John Doe," has not been charged.

"Doe" is described in court papers as having "operated a development company, and also operated the not for profit Best of the Midwest Youth Foundation."

Incorporation papers filed with the Missouri Secretary of State indicate that Best of the Midwest Youth Foundation (formerly known as Best of Midwest Basketball Foundation) is operated by Michael Noll, of Chesterfield. Noll registered the nonprofit with the Secretary of State in 2004. Floyd Irons joined its board of directors in 2005, according to the organization's annual report, also filed with the Secretary of State.

According to the court documents, Irons and "Doe" devised a plan to purchase residential real estate at inflated prices. The pair purchased a total of three homes in 2005 and 2006 -- one in Tower Grove East, one in De Mun and the third in Wildwood. The men obtained loans by submitting false paperwork in Irons' name, and with mortgage broker Mineo's assistance received a total of $120,000 in kickbacks.

Soon after buying the homes, Irons and "Doe" put them up for sale. All the properties were eventually foreclosed upon when Irons and "Doe" failed to make mortgage payments.

In one 2005 transaction not involving Mineo, Irons and "Doe" used Irons' son, Altonio, as a "straw purchaser" of a brownstone "Doe" owned in Lafayette Square. In June 2005 "Doe" bought the home for $135,000. Five months later Altonio Irons purchased it from "Doe" for $167,000. Though Altonio Irons was attending the College of the Ozarks near Branson at the time, his father submitted a false loan application stating that Altonio planned to live in the house full-time and was employed by Best of the Midwest Youth Foundation, where he was earning almost $5,000 a month. The loan was approved.

City real estate records show that Michael Noll of Chesterfield purchased the Lafayette Square home in June 2005, then sold it five months later to Altonio Irons.

A spokeswoman for the U.S. Attorney's office would not comment on the identity of "John Doe" or say whether further charges might be pending, except to point to the plea agreements, which indicate that the investigation continues, and that both Irons and Mineo have agreed to cooperate in that effort.

Sentencing for the pair is set for November 29. For details of the charges against Irons and Mineo, click on the thumbnail below.

Additionally, the press release issued late this afternoon by the U.S. Attorney's office appears after the jump.

-Kristen Hinman

While Chris "Dry-Hump" Duncan warms the pine, his brother Shelley, a newly minted New York Yankee, is upholding the family honor -- most recently by responding to an autograph request from a young fan at Fenway Park by scrawling "RED SOX SUCK!" in the kid's autograph book.

So sayeth a story in yesterday's Boston Herald.

“'It was cool to get his autograph,'” ten-year-old Griffin Whitman told the Herald. “'It didn’t make me feel happy when he wrote that.'”

-Unreal

Check out Justin Kendall's riveting cover story about former football stars who say the NFL has deserted them.

Unreal investigates a chick interested in pulling a million dollars from her bum, the paragons of God's power and Chris Duncan's sports hernia.

While exploring the unanswered questions surrounding English Cave in Benton Park, Aimee Levitt takes readers on an expedition through urban folklore.

There's a new documentary out about Kurt Cobain; read Annie Zaleski's interview with the local director.

In b-sides, Roy Kasten talks with Peter Curry, bassist of Los Straightjackets, and Sam Chennault isn't too kind to Common.

Ian Froeb has already clued us in on what he and Malcolm Gay have been up to this week.

Dennis Brown takes a look at two new plays in town, The History Boys and Suddenly Last Summer. Paul Friswold critiques another.

The Brave One, Jodie Foster's new thriller, should not be taken literally, according to Scott Foundas.

Richard Gaines, a member of the Special Administrative Board of the St. Louis Public Schools, presided over the first meeting of the board's new High School Athletics Committee Tuesday night. It's the first committee of its kind for the district, and its purpose is to restore long-lost glory to the Public High League.

Gaines, who played basketball for Vashon High School in the 1960s, marshaled a mix of business, athletics and education leaders in St. Louis to volunteer for the committee. Among them: Frank Viverito of the St. Louis Sports Commission, Tom Irwin of Civic Progress; Kathy Osborn of the Regional Business Council; Deborah Powell-Childress, former mayor of East St. Louis, and the athletics directors at Wash. U., SIUE and UMSL. Thom Kuhn -- whose nonprofit group, PHL, Inc., has been working miracles for the SLPS by restoring fields and facilities during the last two-and-a-half years -- is also a member.

The district's biggest problem is its dwindling budget -- about $75,000 per school this year. That figure includes salaries and covers all teams. Gaines is said to favor the creation of an athletic endowment, presumably with private funds, that could eventually sustain the public schools' athletic program no matter the financial straits.

But the committee's immediate task is to examine the district in comparison to others in the metro area and issue recommendations for improvements. The process will take the entire school year.

Gaines said he believes in "linkages" between academic and athletic successes -- a fundamental reason for evaluating the district's program. He said he is also hoping to restore a lost sense of community:

"This is part of our process of bringing people back to the schools, and not just the children."

-Kristen Hinman

Was it the piñata, Homer Simpson or Charlie the Tortoise that kicked Chris Duncan where it counts?

When it came to the latest below-the-belt blow to the St. Louis Cardinals' postseason hopes, the warning signs, reportedly, were there: Manager Tony La Russa has gently hinted that Duncan's baggage has bothered him for the past six weeks. But the Cards skipper had been cagey about the precise nature of his star left fielder's affliction, referring to it as "a lower-half injury."

That all went by the boards in Phoenix over the weekend, after Duncan was forced to depart Saturday's game against the Arizona Diamondbacks, having fallen victim to the euphemistically named "sports hernia."

According to WebMD, a sports hernia is a groin injury that occurs from "overuse of groin muscles, which causes stress on the inguinal wall." The injury can occur "when too much stress is placed on an area...[which] often happens when you overdo an activity or repeat the same activity day after day."

Oh, no!

As faithful readers of STLog are well aware, Dunc's groinal region has been under a great deal of stress over the past ten months, having been made to dry-hump everything from the World Series trophy to an oversize copy of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.

Now the slugger's hurting -- in a big, big way: "It can be pretty debilitating," confirms Rick Lehman, medical director of the U.S. Center for Sports Medicine in Kirkwood. "It's a breakdown or tear in the floor of pelvis, which is the kind of gristly thing that holds the muscle structure of your groin together. Every time you stride it, hurts. It's like if you wear same pair of pants for five years straight, the material in the crotch will get kind of thin and banged up."

The down-low damage will more than likely end Duncan's season and require surgery to repair. Call it humpus interruptus.

And Unreal is left to wonder: What, precisely, kicked Dunc in the junk?

Click here to view the entire Hump-O-Rama.

-Unreal

In the Busch Stadium press box yesterday, the Cardinals' game-day notes contained an interesting factoid. Since Babe Ruth transitioned from the pitcher's mound to the outfield in 1918, just two other players in major league history -- Clint Hartung and Rick Ankiel -- have homered first as a pitcher and later as a position player. Before his career fizzled, Hartung hit three home runs as an outfielder with the 1952 New York Giants. Ankiel, on the other hand, has produced more Ruthian numbers.

Yesterday the Cardinals outfielder launched his eighth and ninth homers of the season in a game that also saw him hit a two-run double. Since his return to the majors 23 games ago, Ankiel is batting a whopping .358 and boasts a slugging percentage of .765. Projected over an entire season, Ankiel is on pace to hit 63 dingers. Yesterday in the right-field bleachers at Busch Stadium -- where both his homers landed -- fans raised their heads and bowed to the boy they've anointed "The Natural."

But could it be that Ankiel isn't so natural after all? This morning Cardinal Nation was greeted to news that Ankiel allegedly received a twelve-month supply of human growth hormone (HGH) in 2004 from a Florida pharmacy under investigation for operating an illegal prescription-drug operation. According to the New York Daily News, "Ankiel received eight shipments of HGH from Signature Pharmacy in Orlando from January to December 2004, including the brand-name injectable drugs Saizen and Genotropin."

The News reports that Signature Pharmacy is at the forefront of Albany District Attorney David Soares' two-year investigation into illegal Internet prescription-drug sales, which has brought 22 indictments and 9 convictions. Reacting to the allegation, Cardinals GM Walt Jocketty told the News: "This is the first I've heard of this. If it's true, obviously it would be very tragic, along with everything else we've had happen to us this year."

A spokesman for Major League Baseball told the News that the governing body will "look into" the charges surrounding Ankiel. HGH was not officially banned from baseball until after the 2004 season; no current drug test accurately detects the hormone.

In the meantime, Cardinals fans can only hope the allegations don't cause a mental breakdown like the one we witnessed in 2000 when Ankiel (the pitcher) unraveled in the playoffs. As the Cardinals enter a crucial series against the Arizona Diamondbacks tonight, the team desperately needs Ankiel to keep swatting like Ruth or -- dare we say -- Barry Bonds, whose prodigious stats remain clouded by allegations of his own abuse of steroids and human growth hormone.

-Chad Garrison

Got him!

-Unreal

An inveterate reader of the small print, Unreal took note yesterday morning that St. Louis Post-Dispatch Thoroughbred handicapper John Scully was touting River Front Times to take Friday night's seventh race at Fairmount Park.

"A little excursion to the race track might be just what the doctor ordered to erase the memory of a nose-to-the-grindstone week," Unreal said to ourself. The horse has been a little lackluster of late, but youneverknow, right?

Right.

Instead we shuffled off for home, a good stiff drink and a few prescription drugs our attorney has advised us not to name.

Shoulda coulda woulda. By the time we remembered Our Little Pony, it was nigh cocktail time on Saturday. Sure the heck enough, the Horse Formerly Known as Pollys Jaybird put away a field of seven nonwinners-of-three, making the circuit of Fairmount's one-mile dirt track in 1:43.40.

From the Equibase chart:

RIVER FRONT TIMES rated from outside, bid for the lead four wide on the second turn, floated out further into the stretch, gained a narrow advantage inside the eighth pole and edged ahead in the waning yards.

Went off at a hair over 5-1 and paid $12.40, $6.80 and $4.00.

Congrats to owner extraordinaire Lou O'Brien and his tip-top trainer Ralph Martinez, as well as to jockey Luis Medina.

Hope ol' Scully had his money where his mouth was.

-Unreal