The Candlestick Catastrophe and Other Nicknames for the Rams '08 Season
Well, yet another Sunday has passed for the St. Louis Rams, and yet another horrific loss.
See, the Rams played the 49ers yesterday. San Francisco, in no uncertain terms, is a crappy football team. Don't get me wrong; the Rams are also a crappy football team, but this was supposed to be their chance to actually compete in a game, to at least fight on roughly even ground against another also ran.
Final score: San Francisco 35, St. Louis 16. And in no way was the game anywhere near that close.
As such, with disastrous loss after disastrous loss piling up, it's becoming increasingly hard to pay any attention at all to the Rams. We scribes have had to begin coming up with our own little ways to keep the games interesting.
Me? Well, I've begun coming up with names for each one of the Rams' defeats.
Jim Thomas, the excellent beat writer for the Rams over at the local daily, christened the Rams' monumental loss to the Jets a couple of weeks ago the "Meltdown in the Meadowlands," and I like that one. Personally, though, I prefer "The Meadowland Massacre," give it sort of colonial times vibe.
So in order to try and give you something to look forward to, I have taken the liberty of assigning the proper name to each one of the Rams' remaining games. This way, each Sunday, you'll be able to turn on the television and, at the very least, have a proper frame to assign to the game in question.
So, after the Meadowland Massacre, and the Candlestick Catastrophe (I considered Crap-tastrophe.) In order for these to work, a newsreel announcer from the 30s needs to be able to say them all without slowing down the slightest bit.), the Rams' remaining six games will go as such:
23rd November, vs. the Chicago Bears:
The Desecration of the Dome: Bears come to town, beat the Rams 65-2 in their own building.
30th November, vs. the Miami Dolphins:
The Hometown Holocaust of Hurricane Parcells: Dolphins win 72-17 as they gear up for playoff football; Ricky Williams runs for 218 yards while laughing loudly at old episodes of Hogan's Heroes and eating bag after bag of Cool Ranch Doritos.
7th December, at the Arizona Cardinals:
The Disaster in the Desert: Kurt's Revenge Part Two: Midway through the second quarter, Torry Holt defects to rejoin his old quarterback, then proceeds to catch seven TD passes in the second half. Final score: Arizona 98, Rams 3.
14th December, vs. the Seattle Seahawks:
The Seattle Shitstorm: Seattle beats the Rams 48-14, then smears feces all over the visiting player's clubhouse. The maintenance crew refuses to clean it up, forcing the Rams players to do so.
21st December, vs the San Francisco 49ers:
Dr. Strangepass; or How the Rams Learned to Stop Letting Bad Coaches Make Personnel Decisions: Issac Bruce and Mike Martz take over the Edward Jones Dome, beating the Rams 76-9. Afterward, rabid San Fran fans who have made the trip to St. Louis declare the dome Frisco East, and proceed to redecorate it. Beautifully, I might add. This game will also be known as The Prodigal Pounding in some quarters.
28th December, at the Atlanta Falcons:
The Joke in Georgia: Half the Rams' players don't make the trip, having chosen to flee the country amidst the chaos of the Christmas travel season. The remaining players, playing on both defense and offense, lose 92-0. Afterward, the Falcons thank the Rams players for a final tune up scrimmage before the playoffs. Star of the game for the Rams: Joe Plummer, an insurance salesman and Ram fan form Atlanta. Mr. Plummer, in spite of the carnage around him, rises above it all and comes up with a catchy new chant in the waning seconds of the game.
All in all, it's going to be a full, exciting six weeks. Hey, at least we won't have to worry about watching the home games on television, right? No need to interrupt that steak knife infomercial. I think those guys might really be on to something.