Congratulations, You Bastards

Categories: Rams
Well, the day has finally come. Ladies and Gentlemen, your 2008 NFC West Champions, the Arizona Cardinals. 

And their leader, Klobberin' Kurt Warner. So congratulations to the Cardinals and congratulations to Kurt. 

I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit. 

I was watching the Rams game yesterday, and I was filled with a swirl of emotions, very few of them good. I would imagine that just about any St. Louis sports fan probably felt much the same way, watching as our very own St. Kurt took our very own lost tribe of football to the promised land. Hell, to complete the metaphor, there was even a desert involved. 

You know, I have to admit, I was never a big Kurt Warner fan. I know, I know, how can you possibly be a St. Louis Rams fan and not like Warner? The man was the quarterback during the most successful (okay, the only successful), era the Rams have enjoyed since moving here back in 1994. He's a former MVP. A Super Bowl MVP. How can you not like Kurt? 

Well, for one thing, I'm not real big on hearing about God all the time. I'm really not. I try to just let it go, but I don't really appreciate having to constantly hear about how much you love Jesus, how much you owe to Jesus, and how you felt he was with you out on the field. Guess what? The other guys probably love Jesus too. So what did you do so special that he likes you more than them, hmm? 

On a related note, I've probably always been much too hard on J.D. Drew for similar reasons. I mean, honestly, J.D.? Don't you think that if god really cares about you that much, he would have made it so your effing quadriceps could hold up to more than a light jog without bursting into flames? 

But I digress. See, I'm trying to be gracious here, and it totally isn't working. 

One more thing: I just couldn't stand his wife. I know that's not exactly a shocking statement for someone to make, but I'm just putting it out there. Shrill and unpleasant were the two nicest things you could say. I have a friend who refers to her as a "wire haired man-goblin."
Just bad times, man. 


Of course, Warner also just happens to be one of the most charitable, generous people you're ever going to meet. Which then makes me feel like a complete tool for not being a fan. Honestly, how do you not like a guy who gives so freely? Well, it ain't easy, but I make it work somehow. 

So anyway, all I could do while watching the Rams get trounced once again on Sunday was marvel at how different the fortunes of the team and its former star quarterback have been since Kurt left the Lou. St. Kurt wandered into the desert, only to find redemption there. St. Louis was left with the Martz/Zygmunt fun time happy hour, complete with appalling draft picks, internal strife, and paranoid fantasies galore. 

St. Kurt found a home with a franchise that finally appears to be getting its collective shit together. St. Louis is still stuck with absentee ownership, as well as absentee management, a front office that literally doesn't seem to have ever actually watched a football game before. It's really sad when a member of the Bidwill family elicits envy in the mind of a St. Louisan. 

St. Kurt has two of the best young receivers in all of football, Larry Fitzgerald and Anquan Boldin, both of whom were drafted and developed by the Cardinals. St. Louis simply decided they didn't need one of their best young receivers, Kevin Curtis. Curtis is starring in Philadelphia; his replacement in St. Louis, Drew Bennett, has been -- how do I put this delicately -- less than awe-inspiring. 

So while we St. Louis football fans are stuck with a lousy team, a lousy front office, and not much of a light at the end of the tunnel, our prodigal quarterback leads the team that Bill Bidwill basically just absconded in the night with into the playoffs. We've got one of the worst stadiums I've personally ever seen; the Cardinals have a brand new, state of the art facility to play in. In short, life as a fan of St. Louis football sucks ass. 

Hey, we've won a title just not too long ago, right? So why does this feel so shitty right now? 

So congratulations to Kurt and the Kardinals. Just don't expect a fruit basket. 

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