The Perfect Father's Day Gift For Any Dad
Categories: Shit That Gets Passed Around
You know, I'm not someone who generally has a lot of nice things to say. No, no, it's true, I know it. I make fun of things, and people, and people's things, pretty much every day of my life. But that doesn't mean that I don't occasionally find things that I like. And when I do find something I like, I don't mind spreading the word around a little bit.
If you're looking for a very nice Father's Day gift- and, considering how close we are to Father's Day, don't care if it's late- you might want to consider going over to Steuben Glass' website and ordering something. Steuben is a company that makes all sorts of cut and etched glass keepsakes, including a full line of MLB products. For instance, if you just happen to have an extra $9,500 just sitting around the house, you can order dear old dad a regulation-sized glass baseball bat, covered in the logo of his favorite team.
Of course, you still have to be careful what you order; if you aren't careful which team you go with, you could very well end up delivering a message to your father that you didn't quite mean.
Cardinals- "Love you, Dad! Oh, and really sorry about that huge hole I dug in the yard when I was nine. I'm totally going to get around to fixing that one of these days. Oh, you've got company coming in town this weekend? Well, no, I won't have it fixed by then. Maybe you could just put the swingset in front of it or something?"
Marlins- "Dad, thanks for everything over the years. However, I'm sad to say you've become too expensive to support, and I'm going to have to trade you to another family for a younger, cheaper father."
Dodgers- "Hey, it's okay that you weren't around for the first third of my life. You're here now. Um, Dad, where are you going? What do you mean, you've seen all you need to see? No, I don't want to go for sushi!"
Red Sox- "I know we never used to have a good relationship, but things are really great now. And I'm going to tell everyone about it, as loudly and obnoxiously as I can, until they just want to punch both you and I in our throats until we stop struggling."
Cubs- "So you're a raging alcoholic who's never had any success in your life. It's okay. You've got that big job interview next week; I'm sure you'll get this one. I believe in you, Dad. Even though you tied me to the radiator and beat me with a garden hose until I blacked out to the sound of my own screams last Thursday, I still love you. Plus, you said things were going to be different now, that you wouldn't lock me in the basement and spray me with freezing cold water twice a day any more. This time will be different, right? No more putting out your cigarettes in my eye and then laughing when I try to run away. You're going to get this job, quit drinking, and we're going to be happy. Things are going to be good this time. Dad? What are you doing with that tire iron? You said it would be different this time. You promised! Oh, God, no!"
Nationals- "You know what, Dad? Fuck you."
So just remember, no matter what kind of father you have, you can always find something nice to give him, something that says just the right words.
All joking aside, these are really nice gifts. You can find Steuben's Father's Day Collection locally at Neiman Marcus in Plaza Frontenac if you prefer to actually go outside and interact with other human beings while shopping. Not sure why you would, but hey, people do weird things.