A Day In the Life of Stewart Cink

Categories: Sports
For your cultural and sporting edification, I am proud to present to you the first ever edition of Sporting Greats Theatre, presented to you without commercial interruption by a generous grant of both job and salary by the River Front Times. Visit the River Front Times for the best local coverage of politics, sports, and culture. The River Front Times: barely dodging respectability for over 130 years. 

Now, on with the show. 

The Victory Feast of Stewart Cink

A play in one act



Setting: A bar. Three men sit at a counter-height table, drinking and laughing. The three men are JERRY, LARRY, and BARRY, all friends of the recently crowned British Open Championship, STEWART CINK. 

AT RISE: The door of the bar opens. The three men glance up as STEWART CINK enters, crosses to the table, and sits down. 

STEWART

Hey, guys. What's up? 

ALL THREE

Goin' on, Stu? 

STEWART

So, you guys happen to watch any golf over the weekend? 

BARRY

Naw. I was busy all weekend. Rhonda was on the rag again, so I just tried to stay busy and out of the house, y'know? Last time she was raggin' I was trying to watch a fuckin' ballgame, and she comes downstairs and starts just screamin' at me, that I never take her out nowhere, and I must be ashamed of here since she got so fat, and when am I gonna clean the gutters, and all this other stuff, and I was just like, " Hey, hold on, there," and she just hauls off and jumps on me, still cryin' and yellin'. So now, I just stay the fuck out the way when Hurricane Kotex is in town. 

LARRY

Ouch. Man, that sucks. 

JERRY

Know what you need, B? You need one of them Russian mail-order brides. I hear they come with the plumbin' already fixed, if you know what I mean. Them Russkies know how to handle their business. 

STEWART

Oh, um, well, so you guys didn't happen to catch any of the tournament? It was on all the channels, news and stuff. 

LARRY

Nope, sorry man. Can't say that I did. You play this weekend? 

STEWART

Well, not to brag or anything, but I got a riddle for you. What has two thumbs and won the British Open this weekend? (Pauses briefly, then jabs thumbs toward himself.) This guy! 

BARRY

Sweet, man! Congrats! That's really cool. 

JERRY

Awesome. That's the one played in England, right? 

LARRY

Oh, cool! That's one of those majors, too, isn't it! That's like a big deal. Really cool, man. Here, let me buy you a beer. 

STEWART

Thanks, guys. It was really great. I feel like I'm on top of the world right now. 

JERRY

So, anybody else we know play in this tournament? 

STEWART

Well, I beat Tom Watson in a four hole playoff to win the thing. 

BARRY 

Cool! Isn't that that lefty that hits the ball really far? 

JERRY

Oh, yeah! That guy's awesome! I once saw him hit this ball like 600 yards! I bet it had to be some kind of record. 

STEWART

Oh. Um, no. That's Bubba Watson. I played Tom Watson. 

LARRY

Tom Watson? Hmm. Can't place him. You sure he ain't that long drive guy? 

STEWART

No, that's not him. Tom Watson is the Hall of Famer, won a whole bunch of majors, one of the best golfers ever. Ring any bells? 

LARRY

Wait. You mean the old guy? That Tom Watson? 

STEWART

Well, I mean, I wouldn't call him the old guy, but yeah, that's him. 

BARRY

Dude, he's like a hundred. 

LARRY 

I thought he retired like, years ago. 

JERRY

I thought he was dead. 

STEWART

What? No, he's not dead! 

JERRY

Hmm. You sure? I'm pretty sure Tom Watson's dead. Had like a, exploding stomach or something. 

STEWART

No, he didn't die of an exploding stomach. I just played golf against him yesterday. 

JERRY

Really? Well who in the hell am I thinkin' of? 

LARRY

You know, come to think of it, I thought Tom Watson died a couple of years back, too. Sure you don't mean Bubba Watson, Stu? 

STEWART

No, I do not mean Bubba Watson. Tom Watson is alive and well and playing golf. Okay? 

BARRY

Okay, man. Okay. Easy, Stu. You're gonna blow a gasket. 

JERRY 

Yeah, take it easy, Brophus. 

STEWART

Sorry, guys. I was just really excited, and you guys- 

LARRY 

Still, though, isn't Tom Watson like, really old? 

STEWART

He's 59, so, I mean, yeah, he's pretty old, but not like you guys are saying. 

BARRY

So you beat this old guy in a playoff? 

STEWART

Yes, but he's not an old- 

BARRY

You couldn't even beat him in regulation? You had to wait until he was exhausted from playing five days of golf, then beat him? Man, that sucks. 

LARRY

Yeah, that's rough. You're just lucky he didn't die on you out there, Stu. He's got that exploding stomach problem and all. 

STEWART
 
He does not have an exploding stomach problem! 

JERRY

So how did you beat him? 

STEWART 

It all came down to the 72nd hole. I made a putt that got me to within one shot behind him, and he missed a par putt, pushed it right, and we went on to the playoff. Then, on the first playoff hole, I drove the ball- 

BARRY 

He missed a putt on the last hole? Damn, that sucks. Poor old guy. 

STEWART

Well, yeah, but I had to make a putt to get within one, you know? 

LARRY

I'll bet he just couldn't concentrate. Stomach was probably acting up on him, wantin' to explode. 

STEWART

No, he doesn't have an- 

JERRY

I'll bet he couldn't concentrate 'cause he took some of them Ciabla pills. 

STEWART

What? Ciabla pills? What are you talking about? 

JERRY

You know, them Ciabla pills that give you a boner for like three days. 

BARRY

Dude! Seriously, they make three day boner pills now? 

JERRY 

Fuck yeah, man! They can make anything nowadays! 

STEWART

Okay, first off, it's Cialis, not Ciabla, and second, they don't give you an erection for three days. 

LARRY

Yeah, they do. I saw the commercial Jerry's talkin' about, and it said you can do it for 72 hours. That's three days. 

STEWART

No, it's any time within 72 hours, not 72 hours. 

BARRY

Man, that would suck, tryin' to play golf for three days with a boner. You know, I tried that Viagra one time, and I couldn't get anything done! Slammed my dick right in a door! Had to wait until Rhonda got home and give her the old- 

JERRY 

Man, I'll bet Rhonda is fuckin' hot in the sack. 

BARRY 

Hey! The fuck, man? 

LARRY 

Dude. Not cool. 

STEWART

Okay, hold on. Why would Tom Watson take Cialis during a golf tournament anyway? 

JERRY

Well, a guy that age, probably has trouble gettin' it up. 

STEWART

Um, alright, but why during a golf tournament? 

BARRY

Well, he probably figured he'd be home all weekend, and was plannin' on givin' the old lady the nine iron, if you know what I mean. Then he played all good, and didn't get to go home. So, golf with the three day boner. 

STEWART 

Again, it's not a three day boner, it's- 

LARRY

Okay, 72 hour boner. Fine. I know you just have to be all technical, Stu, even about your boners. Now you're gonna explain why 72 hours isn't exactly three days or something. 

STEWART 

No, I'm just saying that's not how Cialis works! It just allows you to get an erection any time within the next- 

JERRY

You mean a boner, Stu? 

STEWART 

Okay, that's it! Everyone stop saying boner! 

JERRY

Alright. Sorry. 

STEWART

Now, even if Tom Watson were taking Cialis, which I have no way of knowing if he is or not, I highly doubt he would take it in the middle of the British- 

LARRY 

Boner. 

STEWART

Dude, come on! I'm trying to explain something to you, about the British Open, which I won, by the way, and you guys don't even seem to care! I won a major tournament over the weekend! That's a really big deal to a professional- 

LARRY 

Boner. 

JERRY 

(Laughing uproariously) Awesome! You said it so he sounded like he was saying professional boner! Up high! (The two high five) 

STEWART

You know what? That's it. I'm leaving. You guys just- 

BARRY 

Okay, calm down, Stu. Guys, come on, stop it. This is really important to him. Knock it off. 

LARRY 

Alright. Sorry, Stu. 

JERRY

Yeah, sorry. 

STEWART

Ah, that's okay. I know you guys are just fucking around. 

LARRY 

Still, though. Isn't Tom Watson like, the oldest golfer ever or something? I thought I saw that on SportsCenter this morning. 

STEWART

He's not the oldest golfer, no, but he would have been the oldest to ever win a major. 

JERRY

Wasn't that Jack Nicholson guy the oldest before? I remember that was back in the like, the 80s, but he still looked pretty young then. 

STEWART

It was Nicklaus, not Nicholson, and yeah, he was only about 46 when he did it. Watson would have beaten him by thirteen years. 

BARRY 

Holy shit! Are you serious? Dude, that would have been awesome! Man, that sucks that he didn't win. 

LARRY 

Yeah, that does suck. Man, just think, a guy that old winning a big tournament like that. Damn, if only he hadn't taken all that Cialis. 

STEWART

Uh, guys? You do realize you're saying you wish he had beaten me, right? And for the last time, I don't think he took a bunch of Cialis. 

BARRY 

Oh, come on, Stu. You beat a 60 year old guy working on hour 71 of a 72 hour boner. Whoo hoo for you! I'll bet he could have made that last putt if all his blood wasn't down in his- 

STEWART

(Shouting) That isn't how Cialis works! 

JERRY 

You know, I saw on the Discovery station one time that Lions can do it like a hundred times a day. 

LARRY 

Seriously? Wow, that's fucked up. 

JERRY

Yeah, they were sayin' that when a girl lion is in heat, she wants it like, constantly. So the lion has to do it like over and over, and if he can't, she'll just go find some other guy lion who can. Hey, sort of like Rhonda and that Jamaican tour guide! 

BARRY 

Hey, fuck you, man! I told you it wasn't like that! She was really drunk, and we had totally been talking about maybe taking our relationship open, so, you know, it was totally cool. I mean, I've done stuff too, you know. 

LARRY 

Bet that guy didn't need any Cialis. 

JERRY 

Boosh! 

STEWART

Goddamnit, that isn't how Cialis- 

BARRY

Alright, that's it! You and me, outside, Larry! 

STEWART 

Guys, come on. No one's going to fight here. 

BARRY

Oh, yes we are. Sorry to ruin your little I beat up an old man celebration, Stu, but this is fuckin' bullshit. I've put up with this for years. Outside! Now! 

STEWART

Doesn't anyone care that I won the Brit- 

JERRY

Boner. 


Aaannnd, Scene. 

I feel kind of bad for Stewart Cink, you know? Here he is, winner of the British Open, holder of the Claret Jug, and absolutely nobody is going to remember it. This was the year Tom Watson almost won the thing despite being nearly 60 years old and not having won a major since 1983. That's just too good a story. 

And honestly, how many of us didn't kind of think to ourselves, "Well, yeah, he won, but just look at how tough it had to be for Tom Watson to hang in there that long. At that age, I can't imagine walking that many holes, much less playing championship level golf." 

So congratulations to Stewart Cink, who is a wonderful golfer and one hell of a dancer, I'm sure. Don't feel bad that no one is going to remember you won. 

You'll know you won, right? And hey, that's all that counts, slugger. 

Why slugger? I don't know. Just felt like a slugger moment. 

I hope you've enjoyed the maiden voyage of Sporting Greats Theatre. Tune in next time, when Tiger Woods tries to convince his pro-am group his wife totally would have married him even without the whole golf thing. 
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